"If I were David"

This morning in bed when I said that “if I were David” I would shove my cock in your mouth or wank over you, it actually had nothing to do with David the guy – and had everything to do with me.

What I meant was this:

Now that we live a FemDom life, I would be embarrassed to just start wanking my morning hard on over you, and certainly would not try to stuff it in your mouth. I would of course be happy – delighted - to do either of these things if you encouraged or allowed me to, but I would be very wary of suggesting them to you, because I don’t feel it is my place to trouble you with my sexual urges. You can tell my cock is hard, and you can choose whether to do anything about it or not, and if you choose to do something about it, you can choose what to do….(it was wow! when you chose to hold it in bed this morning ;) thank you!)

So what I meant by ‘if I were David’ could better be restated as this: “If I were a real man, confident about my sexual relationship with you, then I would take this big, hard cock I have here and either wank it over your tits right now, or stuff it down your throat. But I am not a real man. I am a weak submissive that fears and respects his love for you too much to just do that to you.”

So to interpret this as an issue I have with David personally, or your relationship with him personally, is wrong – the problem I have is with myself and my own inadequacy in not pushing my sexual advances onto you.

Mixed signals

I’m getting mixed signals here, and so I am confused.

Last night when you came to bed I explained to you that while you were out the room I had been wanking. I explained that as I heard you return I stopped and covered myself up, because as your submissive I would be embarrassed to just wank in front of you.

I asked you if you minded this and were happy with it, - do you prefer me to suppress my wanking in front of you as I had done, or would you rather I was open and explicit about it – wanking in front of you.

Your reply was unequivocal. There was no hesitation: You said you prefer the submissive behaviour and I certainly should not wank in front of you.

I was immediately grateful for your guidance, and so happy that I had chosen the correct course of action – which I thought was correct too.

But, there is an area where I am really confused about this – and it is this confusion that scares me – I think it is this confusion that scares me more than your relationship with David: If I might explain:

Years ago when we met I would have wanked over you or cum in your mouth when I had a hard on like the one I had this morning. Now I no longer do that, unless you ask me to, or permit it on those rare occasions I might as for permission to do such a thing.

Yet when you meet David [read any other guy you might choose to meet – right now – and for the first time ever – it is him so I’ll use his name], he does do those sorts of things to you (and that’s great – I don’t begrudge you those things at all – you are a sexy goddess and you deserve them).

My fear and confusion is not about David personally – my fear is about me and the fact I don’t do those things to you the way I used to. Now that you’ve found someone who does, what I want to do is seek confirmation that you are happy with that state of affairs:-

A. Are you happy with me as a submissive who does not do these things to you? Or

B. Would you prefer it if I reverted to a more equal (or even more dominant?) sexual partner?

The reason I ask this question is fundamental to my current uncertainty: If you are happy with me as a submissive, and love and prefer me like that, then we don’t have a problem – my behaviour is making you happy and so I am happy, because I want to make you happy.

But if you are not happy with me as a submissive, and you would actually prefer a more equal or aggressive (not necessarily “dominant” but more equal than submissive – or dominant if you want) then this is fine – I LOVED living a slightly dominant life with you, and if you wanted me to live so again, then I would not question your decision and would gladly release my lust/love on to you in the morning :)

Have I made my point? That my current uncertainty requires only a clear message from you on what you want from me?

I am reluctant to push you either way – both have their + and their -. So in my reverence of you (or wimp-ass way – I guess it depends on the perspective ~ more uncertainty) I look to you for guidance – because I want to live your way. I want to make you happy.

What do I want to do?

If you don’t want to ‘impose your answer on me’ then I have failed to communicate myself to you clearly – because your desire in this respect is not and cannot be an ‘imposition’.

But anyway, if you don’t want to impose your answer on me, and you want to know what I think, then it is this:

I love and worship you, so much so that I elevate you and so submit to you – I am happiest living in loving submission to you – that is what I want, but only if it is what you want.

If you want something else, then I smile - because you want me!. So I smile first, and then I put my reverence and submission to you to one side, next to me, where you will see it only in my love and respect for you, and then I say ‘Great! Let’s work on this other thing you want.’

This morning’s fantasy

I had a fantasy this morning. David came to visit you at home for the first time.

Before he got here you had had a shower and we chatted in the bathroom and dressing room while you/we chose your wardrobe as we so often do – discussing what he might like and how you wanted to look. As usual, you looked absolutely stunning by the time you were ready.

When David rang the bell at the gate you locked me safely away in my study where I started to work on my computer, and I heard your muted voices as you welcomed him in (there must have been a lingering kiss, but I could not see you, and of course did not hear it…. though there was a rather long period of silence after your initial greeting – that must have been a kiss. Was he grabbing you gorgeous ass as he kissed you?) and I heard the two of you moving into the kitchen.

The muffled sound of your chatting and tinkling laughter as you flirted and worked him drifted through to me and all I could hear was the general exchange, peppered by the occasional laugh. I could not hear what the two of you were saying. I could well imagine the beauty of your face as you smiled and laughed with him. What a creation.

You came through to the dining room – and of course I could and did see you (looking so good!) as you walked in and soon back out again, carrying a bottle of red with you (I really should have got that ready for you before he arrived – sorry). You did not pause to acknowledge me, but took the wine through to the kitchen.

You carried on chatting, and I started to work. The two of you might be at it for hours – your current average is no less than 3 hours of sex at any one time - and that’s midnight sex, so I needed to get on with something to keep me busy, and I did.

Then I hear the door from the kitchen open – my ears pricked at the sound of movement as I wondered what you were up to.

You took the few paces to my study door and tapped on it.

“Hello you!” you said. “Put on your blindfold and stand in front of the door”. He had obviously decided he wanted to see me.

You waited smiling and watched as I obeyed you. My last thought as darkness engulfed me was how damn hot you looked in those trousers, and how lucky he was that he was going to fuck the living daylights out of you – and how lucky I was that afterwards you would fall asleep in my arms. Anyway, I watched the curve of your arse disappear as I put on the blind fold, and I stood there waiting to be inspected by your new lover.

When I was done I heard you walking away, and calling to him - I could hear your words through the door now that we were closer, and then the sound of two pairs of feet, one slightly heavier, as you brought him to see me through the glass door.

He talked quietly to you – just above a whisper – clearly not wanting me to hear what he said, and you spoke quietly back – yours a little more than a whisper – you had no need to maintain silence – this is your domain.

You giggled again in your electrifying way, and I envied the smile he must have been seeing on your face. You talked some more, and then tapped the glass.

‘Play with your cock! Make it hard for us” you said, and I reached down and took my limp dick in my hand and gently started to wank it. My god, the embarrassment of him watching me do that. I wasn’t at all sure it would get hard!

Of course it did, and I continued to rub the monster slightly more enthusiastically now that it was hard. I heard the two of you talking as I did so. There was the sound of what seemed to me to be the two of you touching, a cuddle I guessed, and silent slobber of a kiss, then a giggle and some murmuring. I continued to wank.

“Stop now!” you said. “We don’t want you cumming. Just stand there, and stay hard”. I did while the two of you mingled and talked softly outside. There was whispering, and the sound of movement – the two of you obviously weren’t just standing there.

[What happened next?]