Confusing Cuckolding Continues

It has been a while since my last update – much has happened in that time, and much has stayed the same.

Since we got back from holiday just over a week ago, Mistress and Dave have been texting each other every day, all through the day. Sometimes they have sex, and sometime – often – they just talk. It is all this talk that I don’t get – they are intimate. Too intimate.

They are due to meet up at a London hotel next week for a fuck, and She’s looking forward to it. They don’t fuck that much – usually they play in his car, and he just gets to cum in Her mouth, so She’s really looking forward to a few hours in a hotel room with him.

Today (Friday) She’s going to go out with Her girlfriend Amanda and another girl. She told me about their plans yesterday. I replied to say that I don’t like it when She goes out with Amanda – She ends up coming home in the wee hours of the morning after fucking other guys, and is hung over and of little use all the next day.

She got a bit upset, and said She won’t fuck anyone else or drink too much – but She’s not happy with that.

Since my last blog post She has never done a performance review for me, nor punished or disciplined me for anything. I continue to serve Her, but there is no FemDom discipline or punishment in our life (and so, I’d argue, no FemDom in our lives – except of course the constant cuckolding with Dave).

I’m not happy with this. I don’t like the cuckolding without the other aspects of FemDom. When I said to Her that She ends up fucking other guys it should have gone like this:-

Her: But of course I end up fucking other guys. You are a submissive wimp who can’t fuck me properly so what do you expect me to do? Go without?

Me: No. I guess You should go out and have fun.

Her: Exactly. Silly boy. And don’t I deserve to party, dance and have fun with my friends?

Me: Yes. Of course You do.

Her: Good. Of course I do. You are completely out of order suggesting otherwise. Before you go to bed tonight I want 1,000 lines ‘Because I am a submissive wimp that is not able to satisfy my Mistress sexually, it is only right that She go out and find other men to fuck Her properly.”

Her: And when we go to bed tonight you are to present yourself for punishment strokes for questioning my right to fuck other men and have fun.

Me: Yes Mistress. Thank You Mistress.

But that’s just my fantasy. No matter how many times I tell Her She just doesn’t get it. I’m thinking of officially putting the boot into the current (non existent) FemDom relationship we have, and ‘normalise’ things – including loosing the cuckolding.

I could get upset…

I could get upset that She’s not been in touch with me – I probably am.

Then a part of me remembers that She chose to put my cock in Her pussy this morning and let me cum in Her, and I wonder what I have to be jealous about. Then I get upset again.

Day out

She’s taken the kids to an amusement park for the day.

She’s not texted or called to say they’ve arrived OK. I’ve not heard from Her at all. But I can see that She’s exchanged three emails with Dave from Her iPhone since She got there, so texting me would have been very easy had She wanted to …

Punishment due

On Saturday we went out, and had a silly argument on the way back. I got very annoyed and rude to Mistress. I have done that a couple of times recently. I think that because of the cuckolding I feel very insecure and less able to take criticism from Her.

This time She has handled it differently, and said She will cane me for my behaviour. I think She is looking forward to giving me probably the hardest caning She has ever done.

This morning when the cleaning lady was here, I commented that if She wanted, we could go upstairs and I could eat Her arse.

“More likely give you the canes you are getting,” She said. She really wants this. My cock is hard with fear.

Viagra poll

Hey! Last day to vote in the Viagra poll. Then I shall act on advice received… Vote now if you haven’t done so already.

No arse today

Mistress did not ask me to lick Her arse this morning. I really wanted to, but I decided not to offer, but to simply be there for Her, and lick it only if She asked – but She didn’t.

This is my dilemma in life – to offer/ask or not to offer.

I think that’s why She likes to have alpha males in Her life – because they don’t hesitate. They take. And She likes that from them.

To submit and to serve

Mistress has not used the review forms or the cane for some time now – apart from some disciplinary strokes about a week ago, 'just to put me in my place'.

I find this intensely frustrating and difficult. After some time of not being told what to do, not being punished for any insubordination, I think to myself: “If I’m not serving Her and submitting to Her,” (read: being punished) “then why aren’t I allowed to fuck Her as well?”

And so we get into the discussions about why She doesn’t wan’t me to fuck Her properly.

I’ve always said to Her, the only basis for being a cuckold submissive is that She is the dominant and I the submissive.

But this time I have tried to be different: I have said to myself “This is how She has chosen to live, so support Her decision. Don’t question it. Live with it. If She chooses not to punish you, but to kiss You instead, then be glad of it. Continue to serve Her.”

So that’s what I’ve tried to do. And by and large its gone reasonably well.

But this morning in bed Mistress said “Lick my arse!” No preamble. Just that. She has never been that blunt. So I did. I licked it to the best of my ability. She clearly loved it, moaning as I did.

After, when She called ‘enough’, She told me to go and made tea. No sexual hint for me. Just go and make tea.

As I got out of bed She told me that She would cane me for not dimming the lights when She asked me to last night. “When I ask you to do something like that I don’t need your attitude,” She said, “You should just do it.” I agree.

And She told me to start to submit the review form to Her every day, so She could use it to ‘manage that sort of behaviour’ better.

As I showered later my cock got hard. She wants me to not fuck Her properly, ever again (“get that right out of your mind”), She wants me to encourage and support Her fucking other men (She picked up a one night stand about a month ago, and sucked and fucked him) and She wants me to submit and serve Her ‘without attitude’. Fucking perfect. THAT is exactly where I want to be. And not just to be, but to manifestly be. A complete wimp cuckold submissive who serves Her, submits to Her and comes second to Her in every way.

Trying to simplify our relationship

Life is good. It has its complications, and I am trying to simplify them.

A few days ago a friend came round with some viagra. I don’t need the stuff – my cock is always rock hard – but hell, a man wants to try a permanent hard on, right? So I got one from him. It’s in my draw upstairs.

But what shall I do with it?

I asked Mistress why She does not ask me to fuck Her properly (because then I could use the viagra, and fuck Her for 3 hours like David used to do) but She doesn’t want this. “You love fucking other guys so much, why not me’” I asked Her.

“You are my submissive wimp husband, and I love you for that. I don’t want you to fuck me properly now or ever. Just forget that. Put it out of your mind,” She said.

Well. That was a difficult pill to swallow – and no pun intended.

So my viagra is still in the drawer upstairs. I’m actually toying with the idea of offering it to Her to use with one of Her boyfriends. Or throwing it away. But that would be like giving up.

On the other hand I could ask Her what to do with it. I could say to Her. ‘I have this viagra tab (She knows I got it). You don’t want me to fuck You properly, so what shall I do with it, shall I throw it away?” and see what She says.

Or, I could just throw it away and not trouble Her about it.

I’d love to do the best submissive thing to do. But I’d also love to enjoy a bottle of wine together and bang Her all night with it.

What do you think? Take the poll.

What is time for?

I sent that email (below) to Mistress this morning – I had tried to talk to Her about it but neither of us could find the time.

She’s been very busy – late nights and early mornings at work, including today. So She texted me at mid day to say She’s been really busy all day (read too busy to read and deal with my email).

She’s just called me now on Her way out the office - to go and meet Dave for a 45 minute glass of wine. She’s still not had time to read my email.

What do you make of that?

She won’t tell me to my face that I come second in some of these things – in fact to my face She’ll strenuously and convincingly deny that that is the case – but Her actions speak much louder than words/

For You not us (An open letter to Mistress)

My Darling Mistress Wife

I read Your BlackBerry Messenger last night after You went to bed because I was jealous about what he was saying to You at that time of night.

This morning I told You I read it because the BBM is ‘for us’, but I don’t think that it actually is for us, nor should that be the case – I think that You see him because I am sexually inadequate and don’t fulfil Your needs, and that he is for You and not for us.

I think we should agree that he is Your boyfriend not ours, and that I should be jealous of him (and of any other man You choose to see) because You are seeing them as sexual men because of my inadequacy.

Some times You say things that suggest to me that You don’t actually believe this. For example yesterday when You discerned that I was concerned about You going out with Amanda again.

It may be that You don’t believe in my submissive, sexual inadequacy in quite the way I do. In that case, I would like to understand what You do believe in so that I can understand and accept it.

I think we should both work harder to confirm, establish and build on my submissive, supportive role in our relationship.

I think that if You want to go out with Amanda, have sex with other men, see Dave, then we should agree that You do so because of my sexual inadequacy and that I should both accept and actively support Your decision to do so, humbly and without question.

I think that if or when I do not actively support, accept and encourage Your decisions (on cuckolding or any matter) then You should point this out to me, confirm Your expectations, and punish me for it.

I don’t think You should feel obliged to share any aspect or details of Your external relationships with me, unless You choose to do so – either to humiliate or excite me.

I think that the only opinion I should be entitled to have about Your pursuit of sexual fulfilment outside of our marriage is to accept that You rightly seek it because of my own sexual inadequacy, and I should accept and encourage whatever decisions You make.

I love You forever.

me

I kissed Her

I kissed Her a few days ago, a number of times. She started by returning my kiss as a peck, but I stayed in for more and kissed Her again and again. It was heavenly.

At the time neither of us said anything about me not being allowed to….But last night She said that She would never give me a “deep” kiss again, so apparently She held back.

Thanks to all those who voted in the poll. Sadly Blogger polls don’t work properly – because a few days ago 7 people had voted, and last time I looked it showed only 5 people having voted. Naught Google!

I showed Mistress the cock torture video a few days ago. She was not enthralled – thought it was too long repeating the same thing. But then this morning She held my balls and threatened to beet them as She laughed and talked about the video ‘I must start to practice and learn to be that ruthless with you”, She said.

What a world of conflicts!