I shouldn't complain

These things are all on my instigation. I shouldn't complain. In fact, since they are on my instigation, I should be grateful!

Be careful what you wish for! It might come true.

"Busy" day

Mistress has had a busy day at work she tells me. "Busy, busy, busy".

She didn't mention Pete's mid morning or afternoon calls. But she sent me an "I love you" message mid morning which by my estimation means he'd just called her.

Last night he was at a pop concert with his wife and daughter, messaging Mistress from inside the concert to say he'd rather be with her.

This is going to get interesting...

She's gone for Pilates on her way home. She'll be home soon for a glass of wine and an evening together.

I'm not allowed to ask about contact with Pete and I'm not going to ask. I'll just wait and see what she tells me.

But as I said to her recently, at no time in the past did we ever contemplate or discuss that she would have a relationship outside of me. A new side to her life that I am not part of.

She's given me no details of the 3.5 hours of sex they had. I've been excluded from that.

I don't like that side of it. It makes me feel like finding a piece on the side myself and not telling her about it, which is not where I want to be.

I am supposed to just serve her and support her in her private relationship with him. That's what I should do, but it's easier said than done.

Sex

The sex on their Wednesday date went something like this.

- Meet in wine bar 12:15. Glass of wine, flirt and chat.

- Check in to hotel 13:00.

- Sex 13:00 – 15:30 (2.5 hours!).

- Shower. Go for lunch. More wine. More flirting.

- Return to hotel 17:30.

- Sex 17:30 – 18:30 (Another hour!).

- Get thrown out of hotel because checkout time was 18:00. No time to shower. Just dress and leave.

There is no way he just fucked her all that time without considerable encouragement from her. I mean she must have sucked his cock, wanked it, ridden it – she will have participated fully and encouraged him every step of the way – or there is no way they could have remained at it for all that time.

When she got back that night she allowed me to eat her pussy, which I did. She told me they hadn’t showered, and so I would be lucky enough to taste his cock on her pussy.

When she’d had enough she told me to sleep. No sex for me.

But then she relented and allowed me what she called a ‘sympathy fuck’. She didn’t need or require it – it was purely out of sympathy for me.

I put it in (I don’t like to call it fucking – what I do is too submissive to be called that) in the only position in which I am permitted – spoon position.

As I put it in she told me my cock was a useless wimp cock that was unable to satisfy her compared to Pete’s. She made me say humiliating things like that repeating after her as I humped at her.

The humiliation was intense and my cuckold cock got rock hard in defence.

In an unusually aggressive mood, I rose above her and fucked her hard from behind – very hard. I real cuckold humping. I came hard into her.

I think she actually enjoyed it. It really was unusual for me to fuck her so hard – but my defense mechanisms kicked in and spurred me to greater heights.

Last night as required I offered her oral service, but she chose to sleep.

This morning again I made the offer. “Mistress, my wimp cock is not worthy of your lovely pussy. Would you like me to serve you with my mouth?”.

She allowed me to eat her pussy.

I did so enthusiastically, carefully and thoroughly – trying to ensure maximum pleasure for her. I do this quite well – I’ve had enough practice!

She got very wet while I ate her. I wondered whether she would ask me to put it in, but she didn’t. Once she’d had enough she told me to stop and go get tea.

If it were him, there is no way they would not have fucked. But I’m not him.

I’m tempted to ask her – what’s up? – why is he encouraged to fuck so much, and I am not?

But I have my answers – they are in the written guidance she has provided me:-

1) By the end of tomorrow...write (by hand) 100 lines saying:-

"My cock is a wimp cock that does not satisfy Mistress. I MUST remember that "

2) I do not EVER want or wish you to fuck me like a stud / alpha male. I do not desire that from your wimp cock at all.

3) I want you to fuck me (when asked to!) in the submissive way that we have done now for years. I love it & need that in my life.

4) You are my loving, submissive husband. Your role in my life is to:

a) Serve me & take care of all my physical (non sexual needs)

b) Provide sexual pleasure by eating my pussy & arse when you ask to do so & I allow you to

c) You are not my alpha male sex provider & you NEVER will be

5) I get alpha male sex from Pete. He is the BEST I have EVER had & you will NEVER play that role.

So my role is pretty clear. I don’t need to ask her to clarify it. It’s clear. Just difficult to swallow.

The rules also state:

“I expect you to live by the rules we have established & carry on establishing. Do not ask me what the rules are ever - you should have them ALL written down.

You can ask about the rules but my point is - if a rule is written in black & white, what is there to question? If I consider a question is stupid based on a rule that's in black & white, I will answer it but I will punish you for making me answer a question for which you already have the answer.”

So I don’t need to ask for clarification. If I do, I should be punished for doing so.

What I do need to do is accept my position. No pun intended!

Me myself and I. Or Her, Him and Me.

She's back from their date.

Sex is the most selfish act in the world.

He only cares about him. What he wants now (to fuck her) what he wants in the future (to have her, or if not, then at least to not loose his wife) and how happy he is.

She only cares about her. Her pussy, her orgasms, his attraction to her. Having him. My love of her. Her keeping me. Her.

I only care about me. Where do I fit in? Now and in the future? My orgasms. What did the two of them say about me?

Within this selfish cocktail everyone's happiness is challenging.

London date

Mistress has gone to London for a date with Pete (name changed remember - to protect the not-so-innocent).

They do this every couple of weeks or so. She goes to London, they go to a pub, glass of bubbly, take a day room (www.dayuse.com) somewhere in the city and shag their socks off.

She texted me at 3pm to say they were going for lunch. They'd met at 12:30 and taken up the day room, so they shagged for 2 hours before lunch. 2 hours. Who shags for 2 hours?

Now they are at lunch, where they will probably be for just over an hour, then go back to the room from 4pm to 6pm (when the day room end) - for another hour and half of shagging.

Who shags for two hours, takes a one hour break, and then goes back for another hour and half? They do.

I told her he must be using viagra - he's older than me - nearly 55. She says he doesn't - but can a 55 year old guy shag for 4 hours in a day without viagra? I don't think so.

To try and manage the jealousy, last night in bed she wanked me while she made me tell her what I expect them to do today - I said I expect them to kiss, cuddle, fuck a lot and have drinks together. Needless to say I had a huge orgasm while she did that to me.

This morning she canned me for it. The rule is that if she touches my cock with her hand I am to ask for punishment the next day.

She also kicked my balls this morning. This is a first for us. I knelt forward over the sofa with my balls hanging off the side of the chair and she kicked them. It was terrifying. She wasn't happy the first kick was hard enough so she told me to spread my legs for a second, which was a little harder, but I was able to bear it.

She said that if I'm jealous when she comes back then she will kick them much harder tomorrow.

I did encourage her - I told her how horny it was that she chose to kick my balls, and to lick and fuck Pete's. Shit. I'm mad. Why do I encourage her?

I'm going to try not to be jealous.

She has said numerous times:-

My role is to:-

1) Serve her physical, non sexual needs,

2) Encourage her relationship with Pete, even if it means she falls in love with him, and

3) Give her sexual pleasure by licking her pussy and/or arse when she allows me to.

She has said I am NOT and will NEVER be her alpha male sex provider. I am to tell her morning and evening that my wimp cock does not deserve her lovely pussy.

So its pretty clear. After 15 years of femdom she does not see me as an alpha male sex provider and does not want me to aspire to be one.

So there is not much point in being jealous. I should, as she says, be grateful that she comes back to me and even lets me see her pussy.

I should. But that's easier said than done.

But so far I'm feeling OK.

She has said she does not want to tell me anything about the date when she gets back. So I will not ask. If she chooses to tell me or share any details then fine, but I won't ask.

I think that is madness, because it means we don't share in my cuckolding. But she thinks its better because it means she has privacy with Pete, and I have the humiliation of not knowing. Which obviously makes sense too.

Her Submissive Goals

In view of all the difficulties my jealousy has caused, I asked her yesterday what her ideal, fantasy relationship with me would be. She replied as follows:-

******

She would come back from a date with Pete. I would be in a ‘slave’ loincloth. She would be exhausted from shagging and partying. I would kneel before her and ask if there was any way I could serve her.

I would not mentioned sex – I would just offer to serve.

I would not ask for sex, nor expect sex of her – just offer to serve.

I would not talk about or mention her fucking Pete. In fact, any mention of her ‘fucking’ him at all is disrespectful and would result in punishment.

On one occasion she would allow me to massage her feat, which I would do. Nothing sexual.

On another occasion she might pull her panties to one side to reveal her dripping wet pussy, and ask me to lick it clean for her, which I would do, but this would be her choice – not a request from me.

On yet another occasion she would simply reply ‘No’. There is nothing she requires of me. She’d reach for her iPAd and watch telly, or snooze to recover from the excesses of her time with him.

*******

At another level, in her ideal fantasy world, I would never ask or talk about having proper, alpha male sex with her – ever. I would just be happy that she ever allows me to engage with her pussy in any way she chooses – with no expectations or desires on my part, other than to engage with it as invited.

In these cases, her invitations, when given, would always be for submissive sex with me. Never proper, alpha male sex.

*****

On another level, upon her return I would kneel before her and wank into a cup. Then she would make me sip my sperm out the cup over time – not all at once, but over time, to make it more humiliating for me.

At some point in time I would spread my legs, hand tied behind my back, and she would kick my balls.

It would be especially good, she said, that I would drink the sperm and have my balls kicked after I’d wanked. So I would not be on a sexual high. I would be drained. There would be no pleasure it in for me – only pain and humiliation.

I was shocked. She’s never mentioned this before.
“That would hurt me!” I said.

“Yes”, she said, “It’s meant to hurt you. To make you disciplined. To not be jealous. In fact, if you ever show signs of jealousy again I am going to kick your balls, hard.”

*****

The final level of her fantasy that she shared would be that I would have a daily mantra that I would repeat to her every day.

The mantra had stuff in it about my wimp cock, no entitlement to fuck her and other stuff. I couldn’t remember it all, so I suggested she send me a note of the elements so that I could draft the mantra.

She thought that was a good idea.

She sent me this:-

In response to which I drafted the following. Now, every morning and night, rather then offering to lick her pussy or arse, I am to use this mantra:

My wimp cock is not worthy of your lovely pussy. Please allow me the privilege of serving you with my mouth.

Last night she allowed me to eat her pussy to orgasm. Then she slept. She is meeting Pete tomorrow for a date and wants to preserve her pussy for him. ‘Keep it clean for him’, she called it.

This morning she allowed me to lick her arse before I got out of bed.

So I know I’m not going to be allowed to put my cock in her tonight - because of the date tomorrow. And tomorrow she’ll come back sexually exhausted – not in need of my cock at all.

So shall I wank it today? There doesn’t seem to be any reason not to wank. It will be days before she requires a hard on from me.

New man on the horizon

Recent times have been fairly traumatic around here. About three months ago Mistress met a new boyfriend who hit on her in a London pub. He’s a married investment banker. Loaded. Handsome (she says) and a sex god.

For purposes of this blog I'll call him Pete. Not his real name - I've changed it to protect the not-so-innocent...

He fucks her for 3 hours on the trot non stop. Then they go for lunch, then they go back for more sex!

She spent the night with him in a hotel (they’ve spent a few nights together) – they fucked for 2.5 hours when they met in the day time, then went for lunch, then went back and fucked for another hour, then went out for the evening, then went back and fucked before sleeping. Woke up[ at 5am and fucked, and then fucked on and off from 7am to 10 am when they finally got up. They both showered to get dressed, got dressed, then stripped off and fucked again….

So I’ve been having jealousy issues. Fairly big time.

We’ve discussed it together and I’ve tried to manage it, but it’s tough. He is the ‘perfect’ boyfriend. He’s married – treats his wife a little badly! Loaded – he pays for everything – hotels, train fares, meals, drinks and a general good time. He likes to party, and he loves her pussy.

She says he is the best fuck she has ever had, and that I will NEVER be able to match that.

He calls her at work twice a day – about 10:30 am and again at about 3pm. They chat for about 15 minutes each call – sharing their day and making plans for their next hook up.

When they message he professes his love for her and she for him.

She just messaged me now from work – says she’s very busy, but just messaging me to say hi. It’s a catch 22, because I suspect/believe that what it really means is she’s just got off the phone with him, is feeling a little guilty, and so is sending me a quick message.

The jealousy thing is difficult to deal with.

I asked her where I fit in now she has him. This is what she typed up for me:

You are my loving , submissive husband. Your role in my life is to:

- Serve me & take care of all my physical (non sexual needs)

- Provide sexual pleasure by eating my pussy & arse when you ask to do so & I allow you to

- You are not my alpha male sex provider & you NEVER will be

- I get alpha male sex from Pete. He is the BEST I have EVER had & you will NEVER play that role

- You are the father of my children which is so important to me & no one else can fulfill that role

- You are my cuckold submissive & I get immense pleasure from humiliating you by being with another man fulfilling me in ways you can't & NEVER will

- I get pleasure from caning you to ensure you behave as I wish - I want the perfect cuckold submissive husband

- Your role is to encourage & help me build my relationship with Pete even if it culminates in me falling in love with him

- You play an important part in my life, I love you deeply & would not want to be without you in my life

- I expect you to live by the rules we have established & carry on establishing. Do not ask me what the rules are ever - you should have them ALL written down.

- You can ask about the rules but my point is - if a rule is written in black & white, what is there to question? If I consider a question is stupid based on a rule that's in black & white, I will answer it but I will punish you for making me answer a question for which you already have the answer.

- When I allow you to put your cock in it is for reasons you do not need to question. It may be becoz I am feeling pity on you & allow you to dip your useless wimp cock into my pussy which is something you do not deserve & never will. Another reason may be becoz I want to cum using my vibrator (obviously your wimp cock alone cannot make me cum ever). Bottomline you should NEVER question why I like submissive sex with you. I like It for MY reasons. You should just be grateful I let you anywhere near my pussy! If you ever question my reasons, you will be punished severely.

Do you see that bit about service? Take care of her physical, non sexual needs. That there is a tough one. The reality is she gets all the sex she wants from Pete. I no longer really on the sex agenda. That's a tough one.