"Not submissive enough"

Yesterday morning Mistress defined some new standards. As She lay on the floor doing her early morning Pilates She pointed out a couple of incidents of unacceptable behaviour, where She felt that I had made no effort to be submissive or provide service, and asked how I reconciled those with my recent letter.

On one occasion I had argued with Her (in front of my mum) about whether or not I was putting things on the shopping list. As I later confessed to Her, I argued with Her (which is no excuse) because I was trying to defent myself against any punishment She might award me if She concluded I was in the wrong.

On another occasion She had driven home with shopping in the car, and I had not gone to the car to offer to carry it in.

She said this sort of behaviour was not acceptable, and that She should not have to argue with me about anything, nor tell me when and how to serve Her. I should use my initiative in both those areas to make Her life easy – not create work for Her telling me what to do.

Phew! That’s a tricky one! I agree with Her whole heartedly, thanked Her for guiding me in this way, and promised to try harder.

Things could get tricky, but much better for us, if She starts punishing me for ‘not being submissive enough’, or ‘not serving well enough’, which is the only level at which She is going to succeed in influencing this sort of change, if that’s what She chooses to do.

I am awed that so soon following the letter Her fundamental criticism is so basic. Not submissive enough’ is a pretty powerful condemnation.

I hope I succeed in adjusting to an acceptable level. I am already working towards that.

Punishment award

Last night we were watching a re-run of Trading Places. Mistress chose it, but I was very happy to watch it as I’ve always liked the movie and was enjoying it.

But for some reason She got it into Her head that I did not want to watch – even though I told Her many times that I was happy to watch and was enjoying it.

When I got tired, at about 11.30 or so, I declared my intention to go to bed, and She said that was ‘proof’ that I was not enjoying it.

I got rather cross and told her not to be so fucking stupid – I told Her I was happy to watch it then I’m happy to watch it. How the fuck can She tell me whether or not I am happy to watch a movie. Jeez!

She was not very pleased. This morning She told me to mark ten strokes in my book for being rude to Her. In future, She says, if I want to differ with Her I must do so politely, and say ‘Please can explain how I feel’. Wow.

I asked if She wanted to warn me this time, or actually punish me, and She said She would cane me for it. I reached to my bedside cupboard for the book and wrote it in.

I wished for simplicity. I’ve got it.

More for more...

This morning Mistress told me to go down on Her without me offering. Once She had cum She told me to put it in, in exchange for 5 strokes.

I came deep in Her, but She did not tell me to write the strokes down, so I won’t do so, and hopefully She will forget…

Tenterhooks

I have been walking on ice ever since giving Mistress the letter. She has not said anything more about it, but I have this pregnant expectation that something will happen as a result of it. I’m not saying something should happen – because that is of course Her choice, but I feel as if it will.

Before I gave Her the letter She said She would re-introduce the cane to our relationship. What will She do after the letter? Change Her mind?

Her sister-in-law is visiting us at the moment, and the kids are on school holiday so there has really been no opportunity for Her to have caned me since She decided to, nor since I gave Her the letter.

I am carefully resisting the temptation to share my dark, submissive fantasies. Partly because I don’t want an immediate and sore arse, but mostly because I feel it would be wrong to do so – the letter was designed to surrender to Her Way, not to suggest mine.

Sunday night in Bed She had me play with Her with my fingers rather than eat Her. She gets so many blow jobs She has had enough of them! Lucky girl! So I fingered Her delicately for some time before She told me to put it in.

When I did, I was careful not to thrust too hard, so as to be able to keep going for as long as possible, but almost immediately, with no stimulation at all, while I lay still deep inside Her, I came spontaneously and copiously – without permission.

She made no comment, and had me continue to finger Her to orgasm afterwards.

One of the fantasies that plagues me since the letter is as follows:

She tells me to put it in Her at night. She tells me to come in exchange for ten hard strokes. I cry tears of fear and pain as I cum deep inside Her, fearful of the impending strokes. She cuddle s me close as I cry after cuming, and tells me not to cry, because it’s only a few strokes. As I lie in Her embrace and stop crying She tells me She will give me two extra strokes as a reward for stopping crying.

Why the letter, and what’s the impact?

I gave Mistress the letter to read in bed on Saturday morning, while I was downstairs making Her tea.

I had taken a while to write it on the Friday afternoon, and I read and re-read it a few times making a few changes before I felt it was presentable. Mostly the changes were to make sure that I was not grovelling or begging for ‘lashings’ of domination.

I was never truly happy that I achieved that – but when I took those sections out, and was just left with the ‘Your Way’ and ‘Not the man You married’ sections, I did not feel that it communicated my true thoughts well enough, so I sent it as you now read it below.

I wanted to achieve three things:-

· Make sure She did not feel that I thought She should be caning me – because I want this only to be Her decision and not something I’ve asked for.

· Make sure She new that I would gladly submit to Her if She did choose to cane me.

· Pledge my commitment to living Her way.

Presenting the letter

I wanted to make sure the letter had no ‘sting’ in it, so handed it to Her and said “I am confused. And I have some things I’d like to to say to you, so I have written them in a letter. I am not sure if it’s the right thing to do, but here you are.”

Then I went down to make the tea.

20 minutes later I was back with the tea, and as She sipped it She thanked me for the letter, and said that She had read it twice, and that it did provide clarity on a few things She had been thinking, and that it was good. I thanked Her.

I lay there worrying about the rather submissive work I had become, and eventually muscled up the guts to ask Her is She was happy to be with the submissive character I had become, and She said yes. Well, I can’t argue with that! In truth, I was quite pleased with it. That was all that came of it Saturday.

Her first overt act

Sunday afternoon the kids were amusing themselves and I was cutting wood outside when Mistress came out and told me to come up and eat Her. I gladly did, duly delivering a shuddering orgasm to Her gorgeous frame as I cupped Her lovely tits and licked Her pussy.

Once She had cum I probed deep and gentle with my tongue, to maintain the sensation while steering clear of Her now sensitive clitoris. Soon She told me to go back to my wood, and I stood by the bed.

Her first man

As I got dressed I explained to Her what I had been thinking about while I ate Her.

A couple of days ago we had been chatting with Her sister who is visiting, about her kids loosing their virginity. This is a topic I never contribute much to, and have never really opened up to Mistress about my own verginity. But following on from the letter I felt a connection which I explained to Her as I stood by Her bed.

As I ate Her pussy, I thought of all the lucky guys She had given access to that lovely space since She first chose to do so – lucky, virile young men, with hard cocks that She had chosen to allow to fuck Her. None of whom will have eaten Her pussy as much as I now did. All of whom will have taken their way with Her by thrusting into that love passage that I now licked and tongued.
I thought of Her as the Goddess that granted them that pleasure, and they the jocks fortunate enough to be granted it.

I on the other hand lost my virginity at the age of 13 to a two-bit hooker. Right through until age 20 or so at university I only ever had sex with hookers (along with copious amounts of wanking). Never in my teens or at all in my life has any lovely virgin allowed me her cherry.

I explained to Mistress how inferior this made me feel – having had sex with hookers, never blessed with access to a lovely teen pussy such as the one She shared with men She chose to share Her with. How inferior this makes me feel. And how this is why I love to hear and marvel and the activities She got up to with the guys She chose to share Her teen body with.

I humbly explained to Her that this was one of the reasons I felt inferior to Her. She accepted my explanation quite gladly.

Before going back downstairs I asked if She would like me to lick Her arse before I went down, and She allowed me this pleasure, spreading Her behind for me to access. I licked and tongued Her before returning to my wood cutting.

Good thing to have written it down

Last night before we slept I said to Mistress that I was still worried to have dumped confirmation of my submission on Her, and asked again how She felt about it.

She said She was fine with it, and was happy that I had chosen to write my feelings down for Her to read.

This morning She kindly allowed me to lick Her arse before getting up and going to the gym.
I do keep reminding myself that the whole point of the letter was not to attract increased domination, but rather to confirm my eagerness to live Her way.

Letter to Mistress

August 2008

Dear Mistress Wife

I want to share some thoughts with you. I am confused and so to try and make it easier for you to understand my thoughts I decided to write them to you in a letter.

Your way

I am writing to You to let You know how much I love You, and to try to explain my love to You and confirm my dedication to You and most of all to confirm that I want to live ‘Your Way’.

I would like to apologise for telling You my fantasy of living in complete servitude to You. I have thought about this and now realise how wrong it was for me to impose my fantasies on You in this way. This was selfish of me.

I have since realised that of course rather than begging You to dominate me, I should have begged You to lead us to live Your way – whatever way You want – without concern for any desire of mine.

I feel that I am lucky and privileged that You choose to be with me, and I should be grateful for this – I am grateful for it - and in recognition of it I should do all I can to make Your life comfortable and happy above all else.

I know – it is obvious - that any man in the world would be madly pleased to have the pleasure of your company, and that I am not deserving of such a privilege. That is why I am so keen to live Your way.

I recognise the extreme privileges You allow me. Just the pleasure of Your company, let alone the more extreme gifts such as the opportunity to see You naked, to touch You, to sleep with You, to eat Your pussy and more, and even to rub my hard cock on You. These are the greatest privileges on earth of which I am not deserving, let alone the extreme privilege that You bestow on me to even touch my cock yourself, and even permit it to enter You. Those privileges I know I do not deserve and am so lucky to be granted.

Not the man You married

I worry because the submissive I have become is not the man You chose to marry. I worry that You chose a dominant and more selfish person, aggressive in bed and demanding of You. I worry that the submissive me is not what You want.

I now see that against this background, especially with You having chosen not to cane me this Year while living “Your way”, it was so wrong and selfish of me to express my desire for Your punishment and Your domination.

If I could turn back time then I would not be a submissive, wanting to serve You. But I cannot turn back time, so all I can do is try to make the most of what I am and what we have now.
I try to make the most of what I am and have now by begging for the opportunity to keep You close to me, and by doing anything and everything to live any way that You choose in order for us to be happy together. Even offering to try to live more as an equal if that is the way You choose.

I am shocked that I have changed from the dominant person I once was, and I can see that this is not fair on You. In my defence all I can say is that I have lived with You many years, and come to recognise in You my Goddess that I wish to exalt, to serve, and to respect.

Whilst I still have every desire to bang my cock into You as hard as possible and as often as possible, I find it disrespectful to expose let alone impose my selfish and crude desires on an angel like You. I simply do not deserve such privilege, and so I humbly defer to Your guidance in all sexual matters and beg You to lead me in ways You choose.

I have changed so much and recognise the unfairness of this change on you. I also recognise that at times you may just want an uncomplicated fuck and sex with a guy who is more dominating and aggressive in bed. While I do undertake to live however You choose, I urge You to seek out Your sexual pleasure wherever You can, and by all means find a lover or lovers who will be more aggressive towards You. I certainly would not begrudge You this, and would be even happier in my service to You to know You were choosing to get Your pleasure in this way.

So why do I beg for Your punishment?

If You choose to punish me for failing to deliver Your expectations, then You reward me by making Your way clearer to me so that I can better serve it. For this I am always most grateful.
I do hate and fear the cane, but I am so very, very grateful when you bestow Your gift of it on me. I know any man would die to serve You, so for You to actually choose to take time out to punish me rather than simply ignoring me or even allowing another man to serve You is a fortunate privilege for me indeed.

Since Your way by definition must be Your way, it cannot be influenced by any of my desires. I recognise unequivocally that I do not deserve the time or energy it takes for You to punish me. Thus any decision to do so can only be Yours and Yours alone.

So I apologise for imposing my desire for punishment on You. That was wrong. Only You should make the choice as to how we live in this respect.

Why do I beg for Your discipline and humiliation?

You could have any man You want, and when You choose to humiliate or discipline me You bestow the greatest gift of Your time and energy purely on me. So I am so grateful if You do choose to discipline or humiliate me.

When we live Your way then any decision to humiliate or discipline me can only be made by You. If You choose to discipline or humiliate me then you humble me to Your desires and Your way, and I am certainly lucky to be humbled in any manner of your choosing and certainly not deserving of such privilege.

Why do I beg You to enjoy other men?

I beg You to enjoy other men because when You choose to enjoy other men then You choose to live Your way.

There can be no greater indication of living Your way than You choosing to enjoy sex with another man (or woman) without me present or involved.

When You choose to have sex with another person, and then return to give me the privilege of Your company once again, then you bestow on me more privilege than I deserve.

I know you could have any man You choose, young or old, rich or poor, to pamper You, care for You and be with You. For You to choose to spend time with me is more privilege than I deserve.
So I beg You to enjoy other men or lovers at every opportunity and in any way that you choose. In doing so You become aware of how sexy and desirable they find You and how sexy and desirable You in fact are. Only when You appreciate how sexy and desirable all men find You can You really appreciate how privileged I am to receive any attention from You, and how subservient to You I should be.

Our recent argument

How do I reconcile all this to our recent argument?

I recognise the error and stupidity of my ways. I apologise, and I beg Your forgiveness and the opportunity to serve You better.

I offer You myself to deal with Your way, whatever that may be, in order to move us forward.
In my dumb simplicity I wish that You choose to thrash me severely after every or any argument we ever have, as a pre-condition to any forgiveness that I beg.

But this takes us full circle – back to me being selfish and begging for the simplicity of punishment. That is obviously wrong – that is the whole point of this letter. I should be able to recognise the error of my ways and improve myself without the need for You to waste Your energies punishing me. And so I do offer to work to mend my ways in any way that You guide me.

I am so sorry I have complicated our lives with my slide into submission. I hope You are still happy to live with me, and I live for Your happiness.

Lots and lots of all my love

Doomsday book

Yesterday I woke up with a rigid hard on, thrusting hard into Mistress’ oh-so-tender, naked but cheeks next to me. I put my arm around Her and cupped Her tender breasts, kneading them lovingly and gently.

Once She was awake I asked if She would like me to eat Her pussy or arse before I went to make the tea, and She had me go down on Her arse.

I licked and tongued at Her for 20 minutes, probing deeply and licking all around Her tender rose before She told me to lay back up. I did so, gently pushing my hard rod into Her tender buttocks again.

She kindly told me I could put it in, provided I did not cum, and I eagerly but gently inserted myself to Her. Hmmmm! Luxury. I pumped gently, wanting to enjoy it for as long as I could given I was not to cum.

After some time She told me I could cum in Her, in exchange for 5 strokes of the cane. I groaned, and asked Her what She wanted me to do – to control myself, or cum and receive the cane. She told me to cum and I did. Thrusting deep inside Her.

As I lay with Her, wondering if She would in fact give me the strokes, She said that She would buy me a book, into which I should record all the strokes I was due, so that She could give them to me at the next opportunity. This sounded ominous. Perhaps She was planning to actually give them to me.

Next day She told me She has bought the book.

When instructed, She says, I am to write in it ‘Dear Mistress, Please give me [insert number] strokes for [insert reason].’

After She has given the strokes She will tear out the page and give it to me to write ‘Thank You Mistress’ on the page.

She went on to say that I must do Her handwash every Friday religiously, or I would get ten strokes.

I think She is serious this time, and my arse will be bleeding again soon.

It is now over 24 hours since She told me about the book, and already my attitude towards Her has improved. I have done more chores and served Her better, just to ensure I do not get punished.

Oral servitude

Last night Mistress had me go down on Her in bed. I did and licked her to loving orgasm. As I did, She was WET. Only two things have made Her this wet in the past – one is when She has sex with another lady, and the other is when She reads lesbian porn while I eat Her. I wondered what thoughts made Her so wet while I licked at Her last night.

As we lay together after, She having decided that I would not cum, She said She had thought about being fucked by two guys at the same time (‘one each end’ as She called it) and also thought about being eaten while She was fucked. She also thought about and made the decision that I would not cum. These three things made Her that wet.

Well, I was lucky, I got to lick Her wet pussy.

She asked how I felt about Her decision that I should not cum. I replied in all honesty that I loved it not because of what the decision was, but because it gave Her pleasure to make the decision, and Her pleasure is all that matters to me.

2008

Life continues to be busy, which partially accounts for my lengthy silence.

We are now more than half way through 2008, living ‘Her Way’ as we agreed to do at the turn of the year. During that time Mistress has chosen not to actually cane me. To give me credit (!) I have not asked her to, nor suggested that She should (not until very recently anyway, but I’ll come to that in a minute).

Only twice in 2008 has She said that She is going to cane me, but She has not actually gone through with it (thank goodness for my arse!).

I no longer call Her ‘Mistress’ to Her face, I now wank occasionally (this morning, for example!) and I would say we actually no longer live a FemDom life. I have even initiated sex with her about twice this year, and no longer ask Her permission to cum.

So I found it interesting/odd last month when, on the eve of my birthday as I got into bed She said “You can have an early birthday present. Go down and eat my pussy!” And I did. Very grateful for my ‘early present’.

I loved the way She told me that it was my treat to eat Her pussy! How weird is that! But She was right – particularly because She granted me the ‘treat’. That made it all the more of a privilege for me.

Once She had cum, she held my throbbing cock briefly in Her fist, and told me that She was not letting me cum, as She preferred me horny. As we slept, She promised to give me 44 strokes of the cane the next day, as a birthday present.

So on my birthday the next day I asked Her if She had really decided to reintroduce the cane to our relationship, and why. She smiled and said She had decided to reintroduce it. She did not explain why. I mused over it.

Later that day we ended up have a HUGE row, and the cane never materialised. We had an enormous blow up, and it took weeks before our relationship returned to anything near normal, which it has now done.

Since the row, all trace of FemDom has gone from our relationship. Mistress has even made the morning tea for us in bed. Only today, for the first time this week, did She ask/tell me to go down and make the tea.

Last night I went out with the boys for a beer. In fact, while we were out we met the sportsman that Mistress used to have a relationship with. (See ‘sportsman’ in my tag cloud for blogs on this relationship).

As we drank the tea I made in bed in this morning, She told me how She had anticipated my return last night, and had plans to make me lick Her arse and make Her cum.

My cock got hard as She spoke, and as I held my cock in bed I told her of my erection as I asked Her if she really planned to make me lick Her arse.

I told Her that these days my cock gets hard every morning thinking about us re-establishing a FemDom relationship. To my surprise She said that She felt the same way, and said that only yesterday as She was wiping Her arse after a shit She questioned why She was doing that Herself and not getting me to lick it clean for Her.

That thought was too much for me, and I confessed to Her that I dreamed of Her deciding to lead us into an even more strict FemDom relationship than we ever had, where She caned me thoroughly for the slightest infraction – particularly for not offering to lick Her arse enough or serve Her in any way.

She expressed some interest in this, and said it worked well for Her, and she was thinking of introducing it.

I said to Her that I would really not want to do it unless it was 110% domination by Her, with ruthless punishment associated with any failure on my part, which I noted in the past She has been reluctant to apply.

She accepted this previous reluctance, but said that She now thought that it actually worked best for Her when we lived like that, and that She did want to reintroduce it.

We shall see. Meantime my cock is hard at the thought. I am sure she will have me lick Her arse tonight.