When Mistress came back from David’s house at 2am Friday She was tired and ready to sleep.
She kindly lay down and let me lick his cum out of Her arse before finally going to the bathroom to get ready for bed. I licked deep with my tongue and sucked out all I could. It was a strange sensation! Her arse which is usually so tight even on my tongue was enlarged and loose from his cock, and I was able to get my tongue in as deep as it could go, with no resistance at all.
I begged for the opportunity to put my cock in Her arse as well, but She denied me this, telling me that my cock was too big, and She did not want it in Her arse.
Eventually She pulled away from my ministrations and went to the bathroom to get ready, returning to bed to sleep.
Of course I was horny, and rubbing my cock into Her but cheeks as She tried to sleep. She would not accept my advances and eventually agreed that I could wank to get rid of my horn so that I could sleep.
I persuaded Her to let me wank onto Her tits if I would then lick it off, to which She kindly agreed and rolled over to let me cum groaning onto Her gorgeous breasts. Incredibly frustrated that that is all I got. But as She said, I was the lucky one who got to lick his cum out of Her arse, I should be grateful.
I had no further sexual contact until Mistress kindly had me eat Her to orgasm on Monday mid day. But then Monday night Mistress kindly allowed me to penetrate Her pussy which I did mounting Her from behind.
As I eased into Her she groaned that my cock was so big! (and She says She doesn’t compare us! She was obviously saying it was big – and uncomfortably so – relative to David’s).
I was as gentle as possible – I don’t want a complete ban! I eased it in, and in no time at call came inside Her - such a delight, but so short lived – I just can’t last when She let’s me in! No wonder She likes to fuck David – that goes on for hours!
On Tuesday morning She kindly allowed me to eat Her arse before I got out of bed to make breakfast, and this morning She kindly let me eat Her pussy before we got up. I did so tenderly, trusting my finger deep into Her tight pussy as I ate Her, feeling that the full pentration of my finger was probably closer to the feeling of his cock than my large dick would be, and therefore comfortable that She would enjoy it which She did.
So since He used all 3 holes I have been lucky enough to eat Mistress’ pussy and arse twice each, and got to cum in Her. I guess I am the lucky one – in the weirdest, weirdest way.
Last night I told Her of my insecurities and we discussed it. She was very upset and cried about it – She questioned why then we were continuing with David. I noticed though that She did not offer to stop seeing him.
Today I sent a bunch of flowers to Her office – She was delighted! That was a good move. I wonder whether She’ll let me cum tonight as a reward for that…
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
Confidence
You say that you always liked my confidence, and that you want me to retain that. You “can’t bear” the uncertainty that has come over me since David.
I think about this a lot. Things you “can’t bear” are dangerous things because we are happily married and I want to stay that way.
The fact that You enjoy seeing him (screwing him) so much, and that when You do You fuck with him in a manner that You choose not do with me is just too humiliating and frightening for me to retain my old confidence towards You.
I do not feel at all confident. I feel the opposite. I feel tiny, humiliated and terrified of my own inadequacy. Lucky, proud and privileged to be Your submissive, but tiny, humiliated and terrified nonetheless.
I am terrified of loosing You – not to him, but loosing You per se: If I was not so submissive towards You then I would be giving You what he does, as I once did. But I am submissive towards You and so I am not giving You those things.
If you don’t like the humiliated me, then I’ll need You to help build my confidence back – by showing me that I deserve it – by You choosing to stop screwing him, and instead choosing to do those things with me.
Or, You decide You are actually happy to live with this humiliated shadow of the man I once was, that You can “bear it”, and so we continue down this path we are on.
I choose to submit to You on the matter. Whilst grossly humiliated and humbled, I am fulfilled as Your submissive – I am happy that it is more than I deserve, and that I am privileged to hold that position.
But for You to ask or demand that I remain confident in the light of this extreme humiliation just can’t be. I can’t feel confident. The constant pain of the humiliation won’t allow it.
I find it interesting that You don’t like to cane me, because it causes me pain. The pain of the cane is nothing compared to the pain of the humiliation.
Monday, May 04, 2009
Choices
I explain to Mistress that I am humiliated, disappointed, sad and excited that David had Her in all 3 holes, a thing I have not done for so long I can’t remember. A thing I wished would happen until now it has happened.
Why can’t I have Her in all 3 holes? After all, She is married to me and loves me.
I put this to Her: The reason She is doing this, and telling me about it, is because She is throwing down the gauntlet. She wants me to stop talking wimpy FemDom shit and rise to the occasion, start to once again give Her the sex She wants and deserves.
“No way!” She said. “Definitely not! I like things just as they are and do not want to change them. I want you humiliated and submissive and serving me better as a result of it.”
But She also says She wants me “confident” – not insecure or unsure of myself. She wants me confident in my submission to Her.
I ask you: How can you be confident in your cuckold submission? When another guy is getting all 3 holes in one night, and you are grateful to be allowed to wank? I don’t think you can be confident in that.
So She makes me an offer: I can switch for a week – I can dominate Her and have Her any way I want, and I can see how I like it. Then, at the end of the week She will agree to live however I choose. Anything, She says, to ensure I am confident about the lifestyle we lead.
As She pointed out, when I used to dom Her She still screwed other guys, and She could continue to screw David while living sub to me – if that’s what I want.
But the thing is this: I don’t WANT her to live submissive to me. I don’t WANT to switch. What I want to do is live the way She chooses for us to live – and She chooses to maintain what we have right now – with me serving Her.
But I want all 3 holes… I want Her to drop down in front of me and suck my cock into Her mouth…
But I genuinely feel that I do not deserve that, and that I am better, more correctly placed as Her submissive, only getting such sex as She explicitly grants me – even if that is just wanking rights every now and again.
My goodness I’m confused. But I’m not confused. I’m clear. I want to serve Her.
Eating...
Well I was wrong on a few counts.
Mistress sorted out the shopping then went up to shower, asking me to get Her lunch together. We always have a bean mixture of we are both home for lunch (and I always prepare it – She used to, but not any more).
As I’m mixing the food Mistress calls me to come upstairs, and I wonder what She has in mind. I find her naked in the dressing room, carrying some porn that She loves (www.literotica.com - she likes (loves!) the favourites from the lesbian category).
She’s as clean as a whistle, and tells me that I’m going to eat Her nice, clean pussy, and She lies down on bed and gets into the porn. I go down on Her and do my best. (http://www.asstr.org/files/FAQs_and_Information/How_to_Eat_a_Pussy.txt)
She gets fairly wet as I work Her – the lesbian porn always does that – but I like to think I help, and in due course She drops the porn and grasps my head firmly into Her pussy as She shudders to orgasm. I slow down and gently lick Her clean and dry as She sighs in contentment.
“Time for work” She tells me – “Go down and make my lunch.” So I do.
She comes down and settles at Her desk with Her files and papers. I finish preparing the lunch and serve Her at Her desk. Lunch and tea. She works while I serve.
I then prepare my own lunch, kiss Her goodbye, and come back to my room to work and eat.
Well, I guess She’s had the sex She wants, and the pleasure She chose for me was the privilege of eating Her – and I was privileged.
I can’t complain – there is no uncertainty there – She’s just done, and had me do, just what She wanted, and She chose me to do it.
The expectation gap
Mistress is on Her way back from the gym. It is a public holiday here today, and my mum has taken the kids for the day so that Mistress and I can work at home – we’ve both got a lot to do.
But whenever we have the house to ourselves like this (which is very rare) my mind goes to what She might do to me or with me if She chose to dominate and or humiliate and/or use me as Her sex slave or object in some way – any way She chooses.
I hope that when She walks in sweaty from the gym She might ask me to lick her sweaty cunt for Her. Or She might tie me up and thrash me, cutting my arse ‘till it bleeds – perhaps because I wanked without permission, or perhaps because She wants to…
If She wants or chooses to do either of those things, or anything else, then I feel justified and vilified. The humiliation of Her taking another more robust lover becomes justified.
But herein is the real problem: These fantasies of what She might do to me are all in my head – She is coming back to work – not to use me as a sex slave. She has not got the time to use me as a sex slave – even when the one opportunity that She might do so presents itself. (There is no kidding myself on this scrore – ‘not got the time’ = ‘not got the inclination – because She has always got the time to go and fuck him, any time, at the drop of a hat – this one aspect is the most humiliating reality of everything that is going on in my life right now).
So at the end of the day I will be depressed – “She could have done this or that to me” I will be thinking, “but She did not choose to. She chose to work” – which was always the plan for the day.
She should, of course, choose what She wants to choose – it is not up to me to ‘make’ Her do anything to me, nor to ask nor suggest it. But the fact that She does not choose to do anything to me cuts me up. It leaves me terrified and scared – She is getting all She wants from him and genuinely has less or no need for me and my pathetic fantasies.
She’s home now. I’ll go and help with the shopping.
But whenever we have the house to ourselves like this (which is very rare) my mind goes to what She might do to me or with me if She chose to dominate and or humiliate and/or use me as Her sex slave or object in some way – any way She chooses.
I hope that when She walks in sweaty from the gym She might ask me to lick her sweaty cunt for Her. Or She might tie me up and thrash me, cutting my arse ‘till it bleeds – perhaps because I wanked without permission, or perhaps because She wants to…
If She wants or chooses to do either of those things, or anything else, then I feel justified and vilified. The humiliation of Her taking another more robust lover becomes justified.
But herein is the real problem: These fantasies of what She might do to me are all in my head – She is coming back to work – not to use me as a sex slave. She has not got the time to use me as a sex slave – even when the one opportunity that She might do so presents itself. (There is no kidding myself on this scrore – ‘not got the time’ = ‘not got the inclination – because She has always got the time to go and fuck him, any time, at the drop of a hat – this one aspect is the most humiliating reality of everything that is going on in my life right now).
So at the end of the day I will be depressed – “She could have done this or that to me” I will be thinking, “but She did not choose to. She chose to work” – which was always the plan for the day.
She should, of course, choose what She wants to choose – it is not up to me to ‘make’ Her do anything to me, nor to ask nor suggest it. But the fact that She does not choose to do anything to me cuts me up. It leaves me terrified and scared – She is getting all She wants from him and genuinely has less or no need for me and my pathetic fantasies.
She’s home now. I’ll go and help with the shopping.
Friday, May 01, 2009
Now You see him, now You don't...
Throughout this relationship David has always said that Mistress ‘touches him deep inside’, ‘does things other people don’t do’, he ‘would marry her in a second if he got the chance’. But he has a girlfriend that he wants to have babies with, and She (Mistress) is already married.
I could see that he was in a bit of a spot. Mistress ran (and I mean ran!) to see him at the drop of a hat – any time of day or night, to meet up for a drink or for a 4 hour sex session, and She’s great fun to party with, so if course the guys is going to fall for Her. But then he sees me in the background and what does he think?
So he said to her he does not like being ‘second’ to me - he’s not used to being second.
So eventually he sends her this text: He’s thought long and hard about it, it’s been great fun and GREAT sex, but he’s decided to give it a go with his girlfriend, so regretfully, he will not be making contact with Her again.
Mistress replies telling him it has indeed been great fun, and She understands his desire to make a go of it with his girlfriend, so goodbye and good luck. That was two weeks ago.
Excuse me for being a cynic, but I said that in my opinion, it would just be a matter of time…
Tonight Mistress is out for another office do – one of the girls is leaving. We talked about it and I said David might be there (they originally met at one of her office drink ups – he used to work there).
Apparently he’s not there tonight, but what do you know? He’s just texted Her to say Hi! Surprise surprise – he’s back on the scene.
Just before he pulled out of it all, he started to ask Mistress to Sissify and dom him, and he started wanting to eat Her pussy (and arse) all the time. She told me this did nothing for Her – She already has me doing that for Her all the time – what She needs from him is real man sex (my words, not Hers!). So, She said to me, She was actually glad to see the back of him!
But then ten minutes ago She texts me to say She’d feeling naughty and She wants to text him! Go figure! Then he texts Her anyway!
I’ve been here before with those two – it’s 11 o’clock at night, he’s feeling horny, and She’s feeling naughty – it’ll be 5am before She’s home tonight – and I’m getting up at 5:15 for an early round of golf! I’m not going to wait up – I’m going to have to start to sleep (if I can!) and then hear about it later!
Looks like the late night sex sessions are back! Am I happy, worried, jealous or glad?
The fact of the matter is that I have not screwed Her properly, as he has done, for years, though I want to – I can’t just ask for it and do it – I feel too submissive. And now I can’t even look at a banana without thinking of the fact She loves it when he uses fruit on Her – I’m fucked if She sees him, and fucked if She does not!
This morning I had a secret wank! I’ve not had a wank for years! I was feeling horny thinking about how wild the sex is She has with him, and the fact that She does not do that with me – mad me sad and horny! So what the fuck – I wanked – it was great – nice big cum of self gratification!
I didn’t tell Her – I should do really – I’ll tell Her some time this weekend.
I could see that he was in a bit of a spot. Mistress ran (and I mean ran!) to see him at the drop of a hat – any time of day or night, to meet up for a drink or for a 4 hour sex session, and She’s great fun to party with, so if course the guys is going to fall for Her. But then he sees me in the background and what does he think?
So he said to her he does not like being ‘second’ to me - he’s not used to being second.
So eventually he sends her this text: He’s thought long and hard about it, it’s been great fun and GREAT sex, but he’s decided to give it a go with his girlfriend, so regretfully, he will not be making contact with Her again.
Mistress replies telling him it has indeed been great fun, and She understands his desire to make a go of it with his girlfriend, so goodbye and good luck. That was two weeks ago.
Excuse me for being a cynic, but I said that in my opinion, it would just be a matter of time…
Tonight Mistress is out for another office do – one of the girls is leaving. We talked about it and I said David might be there (they originally met at one of her office drink ups – he used to work there).
Apparently he’s not there tonight, but what do you know? He’s just texted Her to say Hi! Surprise surprise – he’s back on the scene.
Just before he pulled out of it all, he started to ask Mistress to Sissify and dom him, and he started wanting to eat Her pussy (and arse) all the time. She told me this did nothing for Her – She already has me doing that for Her all the time – what She needs from him is real man sex (my words, not Hers!). So, She said to me, She was actually glad to see the back of him!
But then ten minutes ago She texts me to say She’d feeling naughty and She wants to text him! Go figure! Then he texts Her anyway!
I’ve been here before with those two – it’s 11 o’clock at night, he’s feeling horny, and She’s feeling naughty – it’ll be 5am before She’s home tonight – and I’m getting up at 5:15 for an early round of golf! I’m not going to wait up – I’m going to have to start to sleep (if I can!) and then hear about it later!
Looks like the late night sex sessions are back! Am I happy, worried, jealous or glad?
The fact of the matter is that I have not screwed Her properly, as he has done, for years, though I want to – I can’t just ask for it and do it – I feel too submissive. And now I can’t even look at a banana without thinking of the fact She loves it when he uses fruit on Her – I’m fucked if She sees him, and fucked if She does not!
This morning I had a secret wank! I’ve not had a wank for years! I was feeling horny thinking about how wild the sex is She has with him, and the fact that She does not do that with me – mad me sad and horny! So what the fuck – I wanked – it was great – nice big cum of self gratification!
I didn’t tell Her – I should do really – I’ll tell Her some time this weekend.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
She makes me cum
Last night we were laying together in the lounge watching TV and my cock was hard and horny. Mistress had been texting Her new boyfriend to try and set up a date for him to come out with us and then come home one night when the kids are away for a sleep over. She said She would get me to lick them clean when they were finished.
Mistress saw my hard on and wanked me, saying She wanted to get some sleep in bed that night – so She wanked my until I came – huge quantities of cream spilling all over my shirt – HUGE quantities.
I was so grateful – I still am.
But She never just wanks him. Him She sucks and fucks before She wanks – and usually for 2-3 hours before he cums.
So while I am very grateful for the sex She gives me, I am thoroughly humiliated by the sex that She gives him.
She tells me She never compares us, never thinks ‘this for this one’ and ‘the other for the other one’ – says that never crosses Her mind. It certainly crosses my mind!
Mistress saw my hard on and wanked me, saying She wanted to get some sleep in bed that night – so She wanked my until I came – huge quantities of cream spilling all over my shirt – HUGE quantities.
I was so grateful – I still am.
But She never just wanks him. Him She sucks and fucks before She wanks – and usually for 2-3 hours before he cums.
So while I am very grateful for the sex She gives me, I am thoroughly humiliated by the sex that She gives him.
She tells me She never compares us, never thinks ‘this for this one’ and ‘the other for the other one’ – says that never crosses Her mind. It certainly crosses my mind!
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Why am I so fucked up?
For years I asked You to get a boyfriend – someone You enjoyed shagging that you could have real fun with and just fuck whenever either of you want.
Then You found one – You were attracted to him, and You nabbed him and started to shag him, and You loved it.
I was so happy for You – this was my dream/our dream come true, and You enjoyed it so much, it was wonderful.
You even let me eat his cum out of Your pussy, You are so hot and kind.
But then what happened?
A few things happened
You told him about me/Us. He accepted that and was excited about the prospect of participating with us. You told me this.
After that, You went ahead to meet with him again. But now things were different – the two of You had said that I could play. So why, if I could play, and the sex with him was so wild and so much fun, would You want to go off with him alone rather than with me? And not just that, but for 4 hour long sessions? I wanted to play too.
So I became jealous. You’d fixed it so I could play, and I wanted to play. In my childish selfishness and jealousy I could not understand how/why You could even want to continue to play without me – even though this is what I’d asked You to do for years.
I am a selfish fucker. I moved the goalposts on your when I saw personal benefit for me, and a dilution of benefit for you to incorporate me.
I am sorry. I should not have done that. I was very unfair of me.
The question we face now is: Given all this, and my jealousy, can You go on seeing him? Can we deal with that?
The answer should be Yes: I always said I wanted it – and when You had it, I loved it for You and encouraged You to go and meet him – so what’s changed now?
What’s changed now is that I have a childish, selfish desire to join your play in the sandpit. That’s got to be wrong. It’s your sandpit – I made it for you and it’s not mine to take away.
So what I should do is step back: Get with the programme. This is Your boyfriend, Your sex, Your fun time. My roll in it all is to revel in Your enjoyment and be here for You when You get back.
And if you ever get me to participate (which You have already done once you kind and loving thing!) then I should be grateful that You are so kind to me – and not demanding of any right that I don’t have to move the goalposts on Your sexual pleasure.
I have been very selfish and self centred. I should be happy for You that You have done so well. The fact that You have even iced the cake by blowing me while he fucked Your arse beggars belief at how lucky I am, and how shameful my jealousy is.
If I were half the man I’d like to think I am, I’d apologise shamefully and give You back Your freedom.
Go with Option 1: Carry on having fun with him. Love it!
Then You found one – You were attracted to him, and You nabbed him and started to shag him, and You loved it.
I was so happy for You – this was my dream/our dream come true, and You enjoyed it so much, it was wonderful.
You even let me eat his cum out of Your pussy, You are so hot and kind.
But then what happened?
A few things happened
You told him about me/Us. He accepted that and was excited about the prospect of participating with us. You told me this.
After that, You went ahead to meet with him again. But now things were different – the two of You had said that I could play. So why, if I could play, and the sex with him was so wild and so much fun, would You want to go off with him alone rather than with me? And not just that, but for 4 hour long sessions? I wanted to play too.
So I became jealous. You’d fixed it so I could play, and I wanted to play. In my childish selfishness and jealousy I could not understand how/why You could even want to continue to play without me – even though this is what I’d asked You to do for years.
I am a selfish fucker. I moved the goalposts on your when I saw personal benefit for me, and a dilution of benefit for you to incorporate me.
I am sorry. I should not have done that. I was very unfair of me.
The question we face now is: Given all this, and my jealousy, can You go on seeing him? Can we deal with that?
The answer should be Yes: I always said I wanted it – and when You had it, I loved it for You and encouraged You to go and meet him – so what’s changed now?
What’s changed now is that I have a childish, selfish desire to join your play in the sandpit. That’s got to be wrong. It’s your sandpit – I made it for you and it’s not mine to take away.
So what I should do is step back: Get with the programme. This is Your boyfriend, Your sex, Your fun time. My roll in it all is to revel in Your enjoyment and be here for You when You get back.
And if you ever get me to participate (which You have already done once you kind and loving thing!) then I should be grateful that You are so kind to me – and not demanding of any right that I don’t have to move the goalposts on Your sexual pleasure.
I have been very selfish and self centred. I should be happy for You that You have done so well. The fact that You have even iced the cake by blowing me while he fucked Your arse beggars belief at how lucky I am, and how shameful my jealousy is.
If I were half the man I’d like to think I am, I’d apologise shamefully and give You back Your freedom.
Go with Option 1: Carry on having fun with him. Love it!
Sunday, April 12, 2009
WTF
She left in the cab at 11pm. It's 1:45 am now. He lives 10 minutes away. WTF. She arrived there at 11 pm. WTF have they been doing since then - for 2 hours 45 minutes? you can't sustain a hard on for that long - well I can't - and maybe therein we have the problem?
How do I end this? If I tell Her I can't cope She'll probably stop seeing him - maybe. But how do we move forward from that? The questions will be constant - why did I lead Her into this etc.
I tell you, I can't hack it. It hurts too much.
How do I end this? If I tell Her I can't cope She'll probably stop seeing him - maybe. But how do we move forward from that? The questions will be constant - why did I lead Her into this etc.
I tell you, I can't hack it. It hurts too much.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
My tears have wet this page
Look, I don’t want to be a missionary. I’m no evangelist, but dudes, I’ve climbed the mountain. Well actually, I haven’t, but I’m doing so now. I want all of you to think about it before you embark on this journey, because it hurts like fuck.
For the last 5 years I’ve begged my Mistress to find a boy friend. About 15 years ago, I used to make her dress up in short skirts with no knickers, and then fuck her all over the place. Yum-mee! Deeeeliscious!
But then I became ‘submissive’ and stopped asking for it. Instead I begged and grovelled, and because I knew She liked a more dominant man and more dominant sex, I suggested she get a boyfriend.
“Get a guy who will really shag You’, I said, ‘Not a wimp like me’.
Now She’s done that. And She’s just got dressed in a short dress with no knickers and gone off to meet him, carrying cuffs for him to tie her up, nipple clamps I used to use on her, and lube for him to fuck her in the arse. And if you think I’m kidding then dude, I’m not.
I can’t even blog about it. I begged her not to go, but she said ‘fuck you’ – ‘for years you asked me to do this, now I’m doing it, and enjoying it, and you want to fuck it up – bollocks!’
So she went. But first, at 10:50 at night, she showered, redid her make up, got dolled up and then went. Holy shit. Looking absolutely wonderful.
My fucking goodness.
This shit is heavy. I think I’m gonna ask Her to please relent – I just can’t cope – I thought I could, but fuck! I fucking can’t - I want Her as mine!
For the last 5 years I’ve begged my Mistress to find a boy friend. About 15 years ago, I used to make her dress up in short skirts with no knickers, and then fuck her all over the place. Yum-mee! Deeeeliscious!
But then I became ‘submissive’ and stopped asking for it. Instead I begged and grovelled, and because I knew She liked a more dominant man and more dominant sex, I suggested she get a boyfriend.
“Get a guy who will really shag You’, I said, ‘Not a wimp like me’.
Now She’s done that. And She’s just got dressed in a short dress with no knickers and gone off to meet him, carrying cuffs for him to tie her up, nipple clamps I used to use on her, and lube for him to fuck her in the arse. And if you think I’m kidding then dude, I’m not.
I can’t even blog about it. I begged her not to go, but she said ‘fuck you’ – ‘for years you asked me to do this, now I’m doing it, and enjoying it, and you want to fuck it up – bollocks!’
So she went. But first, at 10:50 at night, she showered, redid her make up, got dolled up and then went. Holy shit. Looking absolutely wonderful.
My fucking goodness.
This shit is heavy. I think I’m gonna ask Her to please relent – I just can’t cope – I thought I could, but fuck! I fucking can’t - I want Her as mine!
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
It is personal (to Her)
Mistress tells me he’s sent Her loads of texts today – goodness know how many. She didn’t tell me immediately he sent texts – only after he had sent ‘loads’ of them.
That’s the hardest thing about being cuckolded – simply not knowing anything unless She has the grace and generosity to tell me.
For all I know he could have been texting Her since lunch time, but She only decided to tell me now. Maybe he’s texted Her since, and they’ve arranged a rendezvous, and She’s not even told me yet – She could turn up at 8.30 this evening with the lingering taste of his spunk on Her lips, and then tell me whatever She chooses… or meet with him and not tell me anything.
That’s the hardest thing about being cuckolded – simply not knowing anything unless She has the grace and generosity to tell me.
For all I know he could have been texting Her since lunch time, but She only decided to tell me now. Maybe he’s texted Her since, and they’ve arranged a rendezvous, and She’s not even told me yet – She could turn up at 8.30 this evening with the lingering taste of his spunk on Her lips, and then tell me whatever She chooses… or meet with him and not tell me anything.
I am only part of it if, when and on the terms She chooses....
HE is feeling horny...
Mistress is at work. She tells me her new boyfriend is feeling horny and texting Her suggestively. She says She might meet him this evening on the way home just to wank or blow him and empty his balls.
I wish I could text Her and get Her to empty my balls in a car park down town. Why can’t I? I always used to do things like that when we first met – why not now?
But like She says, She “would not be comfortable going back to that with me”.
Careful what you wish for, guys. You might get it, and struggle to live with it. ...
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
Insecurities
My insecurities are not caused by David.
They are caused by finding out that you like having his cock shoved down your throat and you like him using a banana on you - and fearing that you miss having had those things with me.
Have I made a huge mistake in bringing us here?
They are caused by finding out that you like having his cock shoved down your throat and you like him using a banana on you - and fearing that you miss having had those things with me.
Have I made a huge mistake in bringing us here?
If....
If you told me that you love our FemDom relationship exactly as it is, and don't want it to change - you want us to carry on with it and move deeper into FemDom, then I'd believe that's what you want, and I'd have no problems - my insecurities would be covered.
My fear is that you won't say this - ergo my insecurities must be justified - you want something else.
My fear is that you won't say this - ergo my insecurities must be justified - you want something else.
OK! 'I want'...
If I had my choice, then Iwant you to:-
(1) Tell me that you are happy with me being submissive = you are happy with our sex life, you don't want me to change, and you want to move on with our LFA lifestyle, and
(2) enjoy carrying on seeing David.
(1) Tell me that you are happy with me being submissive = you are happy with our sex life, you don't want me to change, and you want to move on with our LFA lifestyle, and
(2) enjoy carrying on seeing David.
"If I were David"
This morning in bed when I said that “if I were David” I would shove my cock in your mouth or wank over you, it actually had nothing to do with David the guy – and had everything to do with me.
What I meant was this:
Now that we live a FemDom life, I would be embarrassed to just start wanking my morning hard on over you, and certainly would not try to stuff it in your mouth. I would of course be happy – delighted - to do either of these things if you encouraged or allowed me to, but I would be very wary of suggesting them to you, because I don’t feel it is my place to trouble you with my sexual urges. You can tell my cock is hard, and you can choose whether to do anything about it or not, and if you choose to do something about it, you can choose what to do….(it was wow! when you chose to hold it in bed this morning ;) thank you!)
So what I meant by ‘if I were David’ could better be restated as this: “If I were a real man, confident about my sexual relationship with you, then I would take this big, hard cock I have here and either wank it over your tits right now, or stuff it down your throat. But I am not a real man. I am a weak submissive that fears and respects his love for you too much to just do that to you.”
So to interpret this as an issue I have with David personally, or your relationship with him personally, is wrong – the problem I have is with myself and my own inadequacy in not pushing my sexual advances onto you.
Mixed signals
I’m getting mixed signals here, and so I am confused.
Last night when you came to bed I explained to you that while you were out the room I had been wanking. I explained that as I heard you return I stopped and covered myself up, because as your submissive I would be embarrassed to just wank in front of you.
I asked you if you minded this and were happy with it, - do you prefer me to suppress my wanking in front of you as I had done, or would you rather I was open and explicit about it – wanking in front of you.
Your reply was unequivocal. There was no hesitation: You said you prefer the submissive behaviour and I certainly should not wank in front of you.
I was immediately grateful for your guidance, and so happy that I had chosen the correct course of action – which I thought was correct too.
But, there is an area where I am really confused about this – and it is this confusion that scares me – I think it is this confusion that scares me more than your relationship with David: If I might explain:
Years ago when we met I would have wanked over you or cum in your mouth when I had a hard on like the one I had this morning. Now I no longer do that, unless you ask me to, or permit it on those rare occasions I might as for permission to do such a thing.
Yet when you meet David [read any other guy you might choose to meet – right now – and for the first time ever – it is him so I’ll use his name], he does do those sorts of things to you (and that’s great – I don’t begrudge you those things at all – you are a sexy goddess and you deserve them).
My fear and confusion is not about David personally – my fear is about me and the fact I don’t do those things to you the way I used to. Now that you’ve found someone who does, what I want to do is seek confirmation that you are happy with that state of affairs:-
A. Are you happy with me as a submissive who does not do these things to you? Or
B. Would you prefer it if I reverted to a more equal (or even more dominant?) sexual partner?
The reason I ask this question is fundamental to my current uncertainty: If you are happy with me as a submissive, and love and prefer me like that, then we don’t have a problem – my behaviour is making you happy and so I am happy, because I want to make you happy.
But if you are not happy with me as a submissive, and you would actually prefer a more equal or aggressive (not necessarily “dominant” but more equal than submissive – or dominant if you want) then this is fine – I LOVED living a slightly dominant life with you, and if you wanted me to live so again, then I would not question your decision and would gladly release my lust/love on to you in the morning :)
Have I made my point? That my current uncertainty requires only a clear message from you on what you want from me?
I am reluctant to push you either way – both have their + and their -. So in my reverence of you (or wimp-ass way – I guess it depends on the perspective ~ more uncertainty) I look to you for guidance – because I want to live your way. I want to make you happy.
What do I want to do?
If you don’t want to ‘impose your answer on me’ then I have failed to communicate myself to you clearly – because your desire in this respect is not and cannot be an ‘imposition’.
But anyway, if you don’t want to impose your answer on me, and you want to know what I think, then it is this:
I love and worship you, so much so that I elevate you and so submit to you – I am happiest living in loving submission to you – that is what I want, but only if it is what you want.
If you want something else, then I smile - because you want me!. So I smile first, and then I put my reverence and submission to you to one side, next to me, where you will see it only in my love and respect for you, and then I say ‘Great! Let’s work on this other thing you want.’
This morning’s fantasy
I had a fantasy this morning. David came to visit you at home for the first time.
Before he got here you had had a shower and we chatted in the bathroom and dressing room while you/we chose your wardrobe as we so often do – discussing what he might like and how you wanted to look. As usual, you looked absolutely stunning by the time you were ready.
When David rang the bell at the gate you locked me safely away in my study where I started to work on my computer, and I heard your muted voices as you welcomed him in (there must have been a lingering kiss, but I could not see you, and of course did not hear it…. though there was a rather long period of silence after your initial greeting – that must have been a kiss. Was he grabbing you gorgeous ass as he kissed you?) and I heard the two of you moving into the kitchen.
The muffled sound of your chatting and tinkling laughter as you flirted and worked him drifted through to me and all I could hear was the general exchange, peppered by the occasional laugh. I could not hear what the two of you were saying. I could well imagine the beauty of your face as you smiled and laughed with him. What a creation.
You came through to the dining room – and of course I could and did see you (looking so good!) as you walked in and soon back out again, carrying a bottle of red with you (I really should have got that ready for you before he arrived – sorry). You did not pause to acknowledge me, but took the wine through to the kitchen.
You carried on chatting, and I started to work. The two of you might be at it for hours – your current average is no less than 3 hours of sex at any one time - and that’s midnight sex, so I needed to get on with something to keep me busy, and I did.
Then I hear the door from the kitchen open – my ears pricked at the sound of movement as I wondered what you were up to.
You took the few paces to my study door and tapped on it.
“Hello you!” you said. “Put on your blindfold and stand in front of the door”. He had obviously decided he wanted to see me.
You waited smiling and watched as I obeyed you. My last thought as darkness engulfed me was how damn hot you looked in those trousers, and how lucky he was that he was going to fuck the living daylights out of you – and how lucky I was that afterwards you would fall asleep in my arms. Anyway, I watched the curve of your arse disappear as I put on the blind fold, and I stood there waiting to be inspected by your new lover.
When I was done I heard you walking away, and calling to him - I could hear your words through the door now that we were closer, and then the sound of two pairs of feet, one slightly heavier, as you brought him to see me through the glass door.
He talked quietly to you – just above a whisper – clearly not wanting me to hear what he said, and you spoke quietly back – yours a little more than a whisper – you had no need to maintain silence – this is your domain.
You giggled again in your electrifying way, and I envied the smile he must have been seeing on your face. You talked some more, and then tapped the glass.
‘Play with your cock! Make it hard for us” you said, and I reached down and took my limp dick in my hand and gently started to wank it. My god, the embarrassment of him watching me do that. I wasn’t at all sure it would get hard!
Of course it did, and I continued to rub the monster slightly more enthusiastically now that it was hard. I heard the two of you talking as I did so. There was the sound of what seemed to me to be the two of you touching, a cuddle I guessed, and silent slobber of a kiss, then a giggle and some murmuring. I continued to wank.
“Stop now!” you said. “We don’t want you cumming. Just stand there, and stay hard”. I did while the two of you mingled and talked softly outside. There was whispering, and the sound of movement – the two of you obviously weren’t just standing there.
[What happened next?]
What I meant was this:
Now that we live a FemDom life, I would be embarrassed to just start wanking my morning hard on over you, and certainly would not try to stuff it in your mouth. I would of course be happy – delighted - to do either of these things if you encouraged or allowed me to, but I would be very wary of suggesting them to you, because I don’t feel it is my place to trouble you with my sexual urges. You can tell my cock is hard, and you can choose whether to do anything about it or not, and if you choose to do something about it, you can choose what to do….(it was wow! when you chose to hold it in bed this morning ;) thank you!)
So what I meant by ‘if I were David’ could better be restated as this: “If I were a real man, confident about my sexual relationship with you, then I would take this big, hard cock I have here and either wank it over your tits right now, or stuff it down your throat. But I am not a real man. I am a weak submissive that fears and respects his love for you too much to just do that to you.”
So to interpret this as an issue I have with David personally, or your relationship with him personally, is wrong – the problem I have is with myself and my own inadequacy in not pushing my sexual advances onto you.
Mixed signals
I’m getting mixed signals here, and so I am confused.
Last night when you came to bed I explained to you that while you were out the room I had been wanking. I explained that as I heard you return I stopped and covered myself up, because as your submissive I would be embarrassed to just wank in front of you.
I asked you if you minded this and were happy with it, - do you prefer me to suppress my wanking in front of you as I had done, or would you rather I was open and explicit about it – wanking in front of you.
Your reply was unequivocal. There was no hesitation: You said you prefer the submissive behaviour and I certainly should not wank in front of you.
I was immediately grateful for your guidance, and so happy that I had chosen the correct course of action – which I thought was correct too.
But, there is an area where I am really confused about this – and it is this confusion that scares me – I think it is this confusion that scares me more than your relationship with David: If I might explain:
Years ago when we met I would have wanked over you or cum in your mouth when I had a hard on like the one I had this morning. Now I no longer do that, unless you ask me to, or permit it on those rare occasions I might as for permission to do such a thing.
Yet when you meet David [read any other guy you might choose to meet – right now – and for the first time ever – it is him so I’ll use his name], he does do those sorts of things to you (and that’s great – I don’t begrudge you those things at all – you are a sexy goddess and you deserve them).
My fear and confusion is not about David personally – my fear is about me and the fact I don’t do those things to you the way I used to. Now that you’ve found someone who does, what I want to do is seek confirmation that you are happy with that state of affairs:-
A. Are you happy with me as a submissive who does not do these things to you? Or
B. Would you prefer it if I reverted to a more equal (or even more dominant?) sexual partner?
The reason I ask this question is fundamental to my current uncertainty: If you are happy with me as a submissive, and love and prefer me like that, then we don’t have a problem – my behaviour is making you happy and so I am happy, because I want to make you happy.
But if you are not happy with me as a submissive, and you would actually prefer a more equal or aggressive (not necessarily “dominant” but more equal than submissive – or dominant if you want) then this is fine – I LOVED living a slightly dominant life with you, and if you wanted me to live so again, then I would not question your decision and would gladly release my lust/love on to you in the morning :)
Have I made my point? That my current uncertainty requires only a clear message from you on what you want from me?
I am reluctant to push you either way – both have their + and their -. So in my reverence of you (or wimp-ass way – I guess it depends on the perspective ~ more uncertainty) I look to you for guidance – because I want to live your way. I want to make you happy.
What do I want to do?
If you don’t want to ‘impose your answer on me’ then I have failed to communicate myself to you clearly – because your desire in this respect is not and cannot be an ‘imposition’.
But anyway, if you don’t want to impose your answer on me, and you want to know what I think, then it is this:
I love and worship you, so much so that I elevate you and so submit to you – I am happiest living in loving submission to you – that is what I want, but only if it is what you want.
If you want something else, then I smile - because you want me!. So I smile first, and then I put my reverence and submission to you to one side, next to me, where you will see it only in my love and respect for you, and then I say ‘Great! Let’s work on this other thing you want.’
This morning’s fantasy
I had a fantasy this morning. David came to visit you at home for the first time.
Before he got here you had had a shower and we chatted in the bathroom and dressing room while you/we chose your wardrobe as we so often do – discussing what he might like and how you wanted to look. As usual, you looked absolutely stunning by the time you were ready.
When David rang the bell at the gate you locked me safely away in my study where I started to work on my computer, and I heard your muted voices as you welcomed him in (there must have been a lingering kiss, but I could not see you, and of course did not hear it…. though there was a rather long period of silence after your initial greeting – that must have been a kiss. Was he grabbing you gorgeous ass as he kissed you?) and I heard the two of you moving into the kitchen.
The muffled sound of your chatting and tinkling laughter as you flirted and worked him drifted through to me and all I could hear was the general exchange, peppered by the occasional laugh. I could not hear what the two of you were saying. I could well imagine the beauty of your face as you smiled and laughed with him. What a creation.
You came through to the dining room – and of course I could and did see you (looking so good!) as you walked in and soon back out again, carrying a bottle of red with you (I really should have got that ready for you before he arrived – sorry). You did not pause to acknowledge me, but took the wine through to the kitchen.
You carried on chatting, and I started to work. The two of you might be at it for hours – your current average is no less than 3 hours of sex at any one time - and that’s midnight sex, so I needed to get on with something to keep me busy, and I did.
Then I hear the door from the kitchen open – my ears pricked at the sound of movement as I wondered what you were up to.
You took the few paces to my study door and tapped on it.
“Hello you!” you said. “Put on your blindfold and stand in front of the door”. He had obviously decided he wanted to see me.
You waited smiling and watched as I obeyed you. My last thought as darkness engulfed me was how damn hot you looked in those trousers, and how lucky he was that he was going to fuck the living daylights out of you – and how lucky I was that afterwards you would fall asleep in my arms. Anyway, I watched the curve of your arse disappear as I put on the blind fold, and I stood there waiting to be inspected by your new lover.
When I was done I heard you walking away, and calling to him - I could hear your words through the door now that we were closer, and then the sound of two pairs of feet, one slightly heavier, as you brought him to see me through the glass door.
He talked quietly to you – just above a whisper – clearly not wanting me to hear what he said, and you spoke quietly back – yours a little more than a whisper – you had no need to maintain silence – this is your domain.
You giggled again in your electrifying way, and I envied the smile he must have been seeing on your face. You talked some more, and then tapped the glass.
‘Play with your cock! Make it hard for us” you said, and I reached down and took my limp dick in my hand and gently started to wank it. My god, the embarrassment of him watching me do that. I wasn’t at all sure it would get hard!
Of course it did, and I continued to rub the monster slightly more enthusiastically now that it was hard. I heard the two of you talking as I did so. There was the sound of what seemed to me to be the two of you touching, a cuddle I guessed, and silent slobber of a kiss, then a giggle and some murmuring. I continued to wank.
“Stop now!” you said. “We don’t want you cumming. Just stand there, and stay hard”. I did while the two of you mingled and talked softly outside. There was whispering, and the sound of movement – the two of you obviously weren’t just standing there.
[What happened next?]
Monday, February 23, 2009
Ouch!
Mistress was kind and generous and did not hit me as hard as She could. So I managed to cry real tears. But my cock did not get hard, and my arse is still smarting an hour later.
20 minute wait
Mistress is taking a lunch time snooze in front of the telly after a workout at the gym. I am to wake Her in another 20 minutes when She is rested so She can take me upstairs for the 15 strokes of the cane I have earned this week.5 are a punishment for not immediately taking the clean clothes upstairs, and ten are for failing to do 5 things exclusively to make Her happy last Thursday.
She seems rather enthusiastically back into FemDom right now. Last night She had me eat Her to orgasm and I got nothing, and this morning I ate Her arse clean and again got nothing.
My cock is twitching with excitement and fear, but it can’t even get hard properly, because 15 is going to be fearsome.
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