Confidence

You say that you always liked my confidence, and that you want me to retain that. You “can’t bear” the uncertainty that has come over me since David.

I think about this a lot. Things you “can’t bear” are dangerous things because we are happily married and I want to stay that way.

The fact that You enjoy seeing him (screwing him) so much, and that when You do You fuck with him in a manner that You choose not do with me is just too humiliating and frightening for me to retain my old confidence towards You.

I do not feel at all confident. I feel the opposite. I feel tiny, humiliated and terrified of my own inadequacy. Lucky, proud and privileged to be Your submissive, but tiny, humiliated and terrified nonetheless.

I am terrified of loosing You – not to him, but loosing You per se: If I was not so submissive towards You then I would be giving You what he does, as I once did. But I am submissive towards You and so I am not giving You those things.

If you don’t like the humiliated me, then I’ll need You to help build my confidence back – by showing me that I deserve it – by You choosing to stop screwing him, and instead choosing to do those things with me.

Or, You decide You are actually happy to live with this humiliated shadow of the man I once was, that You can “bear it”, and so we continue down this path we are on.

I choose to submit to You on the matter. Whilst grossly humiliated and humbled, I am fulfilled as Your submissive – I am happy that it is more than I deserve, and that I am privileged to hold that position.

But for You to ask or demand that I remain confident in the light of this extreme humiliation just can’t be. I can’t feel confident. The constant pain of the humiliation won’t allow it.

I find it interesting that You don’t like to cane me, because it causes me pain. The pain of the cane is nothing compared to the pain of the humiliation.