The expectation gap

Mistress is on Her way back from the gym. It is a public holiday here today, and my mum has taken the kids for the day so that Mistress and I can work at home – we’ve both got a lot to do.

But whenever we have the house to ourselves like this (which is very rare) my mind goes to what She might do to me or with me if She chose to dominate and or humiliate and/or use me as Her sex slave or object in some way – any way She chooses.

I hope that when She walks in sweaty from the gym She might ask me to lick her sweaty cunt for Her. Or She might tie me up and thrash me, cutting my arse ‘till it bleeds – perhaps because I wanked without permission, or perhaps because She wants to…

If She wants or chooses to do either of those things, or anything else, then I feel justified and vilified. The humiliation of Her taking another more robust lover becomes justified.

But herein is the real problem: These fantasies of what She might do to me are all in my head – She is coming back to work – not to use me as a sex slave. She has not got the time to use me as a sex slave – even when the one opportunity that She might do so presents itself. (There is no kidding myself on this scrore – ‘not got the time’ = ‘not got the inclination – because She has always got the time to go and fuck him, any time, at the drop of a hat – this one aspect is the most humiliating reality of everything that is going on in my life right now).

So at the end of the day I will be depressed – “She could have done this or that to me” I will be thinking, “but She did not choose to. She chose to work” – which was always the plan for the day.

She should, of course, choose what She wants to choose – it is not up to me to ‘make’ Her do anything to me, nor to ask nor suggest it. But the fact that She does not choose to do anything to me cuts me up. It leaves me terrified and scared – She is getting all She wants from him and genuinely has less or no need for me and my pathetic fantasies.

She’s home now. I’ll go and help with the shopping.