Punishment due

On Saturday we went out, and had a silly argument on the way back. I got very annoyed and rude to Mistress. I have done that a couple of times recently. I think that because of the cuckolding I feel very insecure and less able to take criticism from Her.

This time She has handled it differently, and said She will cane me for my behaviour. I think She is looking forward to giving me probably the hardest caning She has ever done.

This morning when the cleaning lady was here, I commented that if She wanted, we could go upstairs and I could eat Her arse.

“More likely give you the canes you are getting,” She said. She really wants this. My cock is hard with fear.

Viagra poll

Hey! Last day to vote in the Viagra poll. Then I shall act on advice received… Vote now if you haven’t done so already.

No arse today

Mistress did not ask me to lick Her arse this morning. I really wanted to, but I decided not to offer, but to simply be there for Her, and lick it only if She asked – but She didn’t.

This is my dilemma in life – to offer/ask or not to offer.

I think that’s why She likes to have alpha males in Her life – because they don’t hesitate. They take. And She likes that from them.

To submit and to serve

Mistress has not used the review forms or the cane for some time now – apart from some disciplinary strokes about a week ago, 'just to put me in my place'.

I find this intensely frustrating and difficult. After some time of not being told what to do, not being punished for any insubordination, I think to myself: “If I’m not serving Her and submitting to Her,” (read: being punished) “then why aren’t I allowed to fuck Her as well?”

And so we get into the discussions about why She doesn’t wan’t me to fuck Her properly.

I’ve always said to Her, the only basis for being a cuckold submissive is that She is the dominant and I the submissive.

But this time I have tried to be different: I have said to myself “This is how She has chosen to live, so support Her decision. Don’t question it. Live with it. If She chooses not to punish you, but to kiss You instead, then be glad of it. Continue to serve Her.”

So that’s what I’ve tried to do. And by and large its gone reasonably well.

But this morning in bed Mistress said “Lick my arse!” No preamble. Just that. She has never been that blunt. So I did. I licked it to the best of my ability. She clearly loved it, moaning as I did.

After, when She called ‘enough’, She told me to go and made tea. No sexual hint for me. Just go and make tea.

As I got out of bed She told me that She would cane me for not dimming the lights when She asked me to last night. “When I ask you to do something like that I don’t need your attitude,” She said, “You should just do it.” I agree.

And She told me to start to submit the review form to Her every day, so She could use it to ‘manage that sort of behaviour’ better.

As I showered later my cock got hard. She wants me to not fuck Her properly, ever again (“get that right out of your mind”), She wants me to encourage and support Her fucking other men (She picked up a one night stand about a month ago, and sucked and fucked him) and She wants me to submit and serve Her ‘without attitude’. Fucking perfect. THAT is exactly where I want to be. And not just to be, but to manifestly be. A complete wimp cuckold submissive who serves Her, submits to Her and comes second to Her in every way.

Trying to simplify our relationship

Life is good. It has its complications, and I am trying to simplify them.

A few days ago a friend came round with some viagra. I don’t need the stuff – my cock is always rock hard – but hell, a man wants to try a permanent hard on, right? So I got one from him. It’s in my draw upstairs.

But what shall I do with it?

I asked Mistress why She does not ask me to fuck Her properly (because then I could use the viagra, and fuck Her for 3 hours like David used to do) but She doesn’t want this. “You love fucking other guys so much, why not me’” I asked Her.

“You are my submissive wimp husband, and I love you for that. I don’t want you to fuck me properly now or ever. Just forget that. Put it out of your mind,” She said.

Well. That was a difficult pill to swallow – and no pun intended.

So my viagra is still in the drawer upstairs. I’m actually toying with the idea of offering it to Her to use with one of Her boyfriends. Or throwing it away. But that would be like giving up.

On the other hand I could ask Her what to do with it. I could say to Her. ‘I have this viagra tab (She knows I got it). You don’t want me to fuck You properly, so what shall I do with it, shall I throw it away?” and see what She says.

Or, I could just throw it away and not trouble Her about it.

I’d love to do the best submissive thing to do. But I’d also love to enjoy a bottle of wine together and bang Her all night with it.

What do you think? Take the poll.

What is time for?

I sent that email (below) to Mistress this morning – I had tried to talk to Her about it but neither of us could find the time.

She’s been very busy – late nights and early mornings at work, including today. So She texted me at mid day to say She’s been really busy all day (read too busy to read and deal with my email).

She’s just called me now on Her way out the office - to go and meet Dave for a 45 minute glass of wine. She’s still not had time to read my email.

What do you make of that?

She won’t tell me to my face that I come second in some of these things – in fact to my face She’ll strenuously and convincingly deny that that is the case – but Her actions speak much louder than words/

For You not us (An open letter to Mistress)

My Darling Mistress Wife

I read Your BlackBerry Messenger last night after You went to bed because I was jealous about what he was saying to You at that time of night.

This morning I told You I read it because the BBM is ‘for us’, but I don’t think that it actually is for us, nor should that be the case – I think that You see him because I am sexually inadequate and don’t fulfil Your needs, and that he is for You and not for us.

I think we should agree that he is Your boyfriend not ours, and that I should be jealous of him (and of any other man You choose to see) because You are seeing them as sexual men because of my inadequacy.

Some times You say things that suggest to me that You don’t actually believe this. For example yesterday when You discerned that I was concerned about You going out with Amanda again.

It may be that You don’t believe in my submissive, sexual inadequacy in quite the way I do. In that case, I would like to understand what You do believe in so that I can understand and accept it.

I think we should both work harder to confirm, establish and build on my submissive, supportive role in our relationship.

I think that if You want to go out with Amanda, have sex with other men, see Dave, then we should agree that You do so because of my sexual inadequacy and that I should both accept and actively support Your decision to do so, humbly and without question.

I think that if or when I do not actively support, accept and encourage Your decisions (on cuckolding or any matter) then You should point this out to me, confirm Your expectations, and punish me for it.

I don’t think You should feel obliged to share any aspect or details of Your external relationships with me, unless You choose to do so – either to humiliate or excite me.

I think that the only opinion I should be entitled to have about Your pursuit of sexual fulfilment outside of our marriage is to accept that You rightly seek it because of my own sexual inadequacy, and I should accept and encourage whatever decisions You make.

I love You forever.

me

I kissed Her

I kissed Her a few days ago, a number of times. She started by returning my kiss as a peck, but I stayed in for more and kissed Her again and again. It was heavenly.

At the time neither of us said anything about me not being allowed to….But last night She said that She would never give me a “deep” kiss again, so apparently She held back.

Thanks to all those who voted in the poll. Sadly Blogger polls don’t work properly – because a few days ago 7 people had voted, and last time I looked it showed only 5 people having voted. Naught Google!

I showed Mistress the cock torture video a few days ago. She was not enthralled – thought it was too long repeating the same thing. But then this morning She held my balls and threatened to beet them as She laughed and talked about the video ‘I must start to practice and learn to be that ruthless with you”, She said.

What a world of conflicts!

French Kiss

I loved this story so much that I sent it on to Mistress who read it while having Her hair done.

She loved it to – so much so that She emailed me back about it – She pointed out that the story is so like us, and boyfriend is even called David! A point I had missed!

She spoke about it last night after I had eaten Her to orgasm and was putting my cock into Her.

She told me that She particularly liked that the husband was not allowed to kiss his wife on the lips. She said that her Dave was a better kisser than me, and that only he should be allowed to kiss Her properly and put his tongue in Her mouth – I should limit myself to a peck on the cheek.

I enjoy kissing Her ‘properly’ some times, so it will be interesting to see how this develops. Clearly She will not be initiating any french kisses with me, but how will She respond if and when I try to kiss Her? Will I try to kiss Her like that again, knowing that She does not want me to? Probably not.

What do you think? Should I try to French kiss Her? Please take the poll...

Intimacy

Here’s a good example of Mistress’ intimacy with Dave (‘Kamwani’ is the nick name we use for him).

He sends Her a BBM saying how good She looks, and She sends this back.

This sort of conversation does not take place with a casual fuck.

This is a far more intimate exchange.

No confusion

This morning Mistress ordered me down to lick Her arse before we got out of bed.

I started with a gentle penetration, gradually getting deeper, before licking around and tongue fucking Her as deeply as I could for about ten minutes.

As I did, I thought of how Dave inserts his fingers in to Her arse (which I am not allowed to do) and how he talks about (although he has not yet done so) fucking Her arse.

When She went out with David, he never once fucked Her without using all 3 holes.

I licked as I thought these thoughts – glad of the opportunity to tongue fuck Her, but wondering at the splendour of fucking Her arse properly.

When She had had enough She order me up and told me to wank myself. As I did She said to me “I am looking forward to meeting my boyfriend later today for our date. I will suck his cock and he will cum in my mouth, but I am not even going to wank your cock – you’ve got to wank it yourself.”

“ That’s not confusing is it?” She asked. “I suck his real man cock, and you wank your own wimp cock. There’s no confusion there is there?”.

I grunted as I quickly came all over myself and was ordered out of bed to make the tea.

She’s with him now – they’ve just met up to ‘play’.

Weekend kink

I was surfing round the cuckold stories on Literotica, as I often do, when I found this new author and read this great story.

God! My cock got so hard at the thought!

As usual, I told Mistress about the extreme kink I had been reading – She never reads the stories, but makes me tell Her exactly what it is that I read that turned me on! God, the humiliation of telling Her how turned on I become at these women who cuckold their men to firmly is more than I can bear! And it turns Her on so much too!

She made me tell Her while we were in bed, before sending me down to eat Her pussy. God it was so kinky.

I love the fantasy of openly coming sexually second to Her boyfriend. Not sure how I’d deal with the reality though!

Resolution

Thank you for your feedback and forbearance while Mistress and I deal with our issues. We have discussed them and agreed a way forward. I will drip the details through over time - I am so busy with work and chasing a buck.

Mistress’ desire is to live a FemDom life where I am in service to and submissive to Her. She is not doing this for me. She is going it for Herself and for us – it is Her preferred form of relationship with me.

Mistress does not think sucking my cock is a suitable act for a Dominant to do to Her submissive, and so She does not intent to ever suck my cock again. That is why She has Dave, because he is an alpha male who can dominate Her and who’s cock She can enjoy sucking.

If I ever talk about Her sucking my cock again I will be punished for doing so.

Yesterday Mistress told me to wash Her crotchless tights and have them dry ready for this morning. I questioned the need for this since they are crotchless and so cannot be dirty.

As a result I am to be punished with 10 strokes of the cane. In future I am to obey Her instructions without question.

Mistress will continue to cuckold me because (a) She enjoys it, and (b) She enjoys the way it humiliates and dominates me.

My cuckold cock is hard.

Re: Confusion

Yes, You have said that a number of times. Thank You.

But saying it once or twice, and then not sucking my cock, and sucking his at every opportunity, and loving doing it, and never reinforcing that you are my Dom, that I am Your sub and what You expect of me, leaves me confused.

I don’t think You can say it often enough, or clearly enough.

If, for example, it gave You pleasure to dominate and humiliate me by asking me if I want You to suck my cock, and punishing me if I said yes, then I would see where I fitted in as Your submissive.

But You do not in fact enjoy doing this, and that’s why I suggested using the review form – to help reinforce my sexual humility to both of us.

If I don’t understand that You want to be my Dom then all I understand is that his cock gets sucked and mine does not 

For example, if you clarified this confusion by saying that you will NEVER suck my cock again, and caned me thoroughly for even talking about it, then I would know where I stand.

I fear that I and my fantasies are too extreme – which you have also said before…

It’s not about You…

It occurs to me from my letter below that I am being very critical of you.

This is obviously very one sided.

It is not my intention to be critical of You. The fault is quite probably all mine – perhaps I am not actually cut out to accept another man in Your life, and no matter what You do, I will never truly accept it.

Her reply

I have read your email. A lot to respond to will have to wait. But if I may just one. I think part of the problem is that you forget what we discuss and so we keep going round in circles every time.

For eg, in regards to the cock sucking. I have explicitly told u many times that the reason I don't do it is because I do not consider it a Dom thing to do it to my submissive and therefore I wont! Where is the confusion and complication with that? How much clearer can I be?

Gotta get to work now. Talk later xx

Confusion

When You came back from Your date and told me he had cum in Your mouth I was jealous. He always gets to cum in Your mouth, and You never even put my cock in Your mouth.

As Your submissive I do not expect to be allowed to put my cock in Your mouth – in fact, as You know, I think I should be punished for even thinking such a dominant thought.

But I don’t actually know what You think about the matter. Why don’t You want to put my cock in Your mouth, when You can’t get enough of his – every time You meet.

Perhaps You do want to put my cock in Your mouth – in which case – if there is any chance of that – then please do so, because I would love it.

But You never talk to me about it – You never tell me why You suck his cock so much and never suck mine, so I don’t know. Because I don’t know, I think maybe You do want to suck my cock, but You just don’t do it because You think I want to live as your submissive.

But that’s not the case. If You want to such my cock then I want You to.

If You told me in a loving, dominant, humiliating way that You loved sucking his cock, and that You would never suck mine, then I would know where I stand. But You don’t do this.

If You told me that You loved humiliating me and dominating me by sucking his cock and then telling me all about it, then I would know where I stand, but You don’t do this.

You do sometimes say that You don’t want to suck my cock, but You never say why, and You don’t say it very often, and so I feel confused.

We always agreed that You would find other men to give You the alpha male sex that I no longer provided – but I get the feeling that You are in denial over that – and You don’t want to remind me that I am not a proper alpha male.

You do say that You love having me as Your submissive, but You don’t say it very often – You don’t remind me that I am Your submissive – and so I get confused.

You do say You like having me as a submissive, and You like humiliating me, but You very rarely dominate me or humiliate me (directly – you do it indirectly – eg by telling me he came in Your mouth – but you very rarely do it directly) and so I wonder whether You really feel this way, or whether our FemDom relationship is a convenience that You humour to make me/us happy.

I don’t feel that you pursue the FemDom relationship.

That’s why I suggested the review form – to give us both an opportunity to constantly or regularly remind ourselves of our FemDom relationship.

You said You liked the idea, and told me to draw up the form, and I did so. But You did not make any suggestions of what You want to see on the form – all the ideas on it are mine, so I am still left very confused about what You actually want.

You do want some things – for example, You wanted me to go down and check for Your tights the other day – so You can’t say You don’t want anything – You do want things of me – but You won’t say what they are, so I get confused.

If you would only say ‘You should have gone down to get my tights and You didn’t so I am going to punish you for it’, and then actually punish me for it, then we’d both know exactly where we stand.

It’s not that I want You to punish me – not at all – but I want You to dominate me 100% make me submit to Your will so that we are both clear where we stand.

Kissing in the pub

When I see couples kissing in the pub (and I have seen a few recently – not just the couple yesterday) I see them ravishing each other, and I imagine You doing that with Dave, and I get jealous.

When I talked to You about it, You tried to circumvent it. I believe this is because You are embarrassed about it and reluctant to admit (to yourself as much as me) how much You enjoy ravishing him in that way.

So when I see You in denial in this way, I get confused. Why are You in denial? If You think it is wrong to ravish him and not me, then why do You do it?

If You said to me ‘I love ravishing him like that, it makes my cunt wet just thinking about it’, then I would know where I stand, but You don’t do this – instead You deny it by tryign to talk round it.

If You said You don’t do that with me because I am Your submissive, not Your man, then I would be clear.

Leading on our relationship

I don’t want to be the one making suggestions about our FemDom relationship – I don’t see how that can work. Our relationship should be defined by You, not by me.

That’s why I chose not to have this conversation with You – because if You want to suck his cock and not mine, then that’s Your choice. If You want to kiss and cuddle him in the pub and not me, then that’s Your choice too. If you don’t want to dominate and humiliate me, then that is certainly Your choice too.

Leaving me out

But when You make all those choices – choosing to kiss him and not me, to suck him and not me, and to not dominate or humiliate me, as You have done, where does that leave me?

It leaves me as the one that is not kissed, not given blow jobs, not dominated, not humiliated. Apparently loved – because I believe You love me – but how and in what capacity, I don’t know or understand.

Licking Your arse

If I didn’t have a sore lip, then I could offer to lick Your arse every morning – at least when You allow me to do that I do that I feel that You are dominating me – even if only by allowing me to humiliate myself. But as You know, for a few days I have not even been able to do that.

If You don’t want to dominate me then I wish You’d just say so, so that we could be clear. I’d be happy to put all the FemDom stuff behind us and live a normal life if that’s what You want. I’d love to cuddle and kiss You in the pub and cum in Your mouth. But how do I know what You want?

It always seems to be me ‘demanding’ FemDom of You, and I’m not comfortable with that.

BBM and information access

When I told You about my fantasy of not being allowed access to Your BBM, and not being allowed to ask about Your dates, it was not that I don’t like these things.

I love the humiliation and excitement of hearing about Your dates and reading Your BBM. So it’s not that that excited me – it’s the thought of You choosing to do that to me – choosing to dominate me by choosing to shut me out in that way.

I don’t know how we resolve this. I genuinely don’t think You want the FemDom relationship I do – that’s why when things get this way I say: Let’s end the FemDom and th cuckolding and just live a normal life together – at least then I will have You – and that’s what I want more than anything, I won’t be jealous and I won’t be confused.

More oral sex

Mistress and Dave had another date today. They left work early and drove to a discrete pub for a couple of drinks. There was some touching and kissing in the pub, and after an hour of chat he suggested they move out to his car to ‘play’.

They did so and he played with Her cunt before She went down on him and sucked him to orgasm. He came in Her mouth and She swallowed half and gave him half back (! That’s what they do!).

When She came home She told me about it and gave ma a big, spunk tasting kiss as may part of the pleasure.

He has come in Her mouth more times than I can count, and I’ve not had so much as a lick in 2011. She’s getting it from him, why would She want it from me as well?

School run

08:40 and Mistress has just dropped the kids at School. She walks back to Her car, reaches for Her handbag and sends Dave a text. Every day. Without fail.

Gagging

When Mistress was on Her last date with Dave they got a late train back from London. When they got to our station at about 11 at night, they went off to a dark corner of the car park to do what they call ‘playing’.

She had no knickers on – he had told Her to remove them much earlier in the day. He lifted Her dress to above Her tits and played with Her, including pushing his finger up Her arse – an area I am not allowed.

Then he pushed Her to Her knees, held Her head and fucked Her mouth and throat. As he fucked Her She gagged, but he help Her head tight and carried on fucking Her mouth until he came. She told me it turned Her on so much that he just kept going.

Yesterday She sent him a text fantasy (over 2 hour period of intense BBM sex they had yesterday) – ‘You are holding my head, fucking my mouth, making me gag, but ignoring me and just carrying on fucking. I love it’.

I read this on my arrival home in the evening, and became slightly jealous, but I didn’t say anything to Her. But this morning, as She got me to fuck Her She told me She had noticed, and told me that She would cane me for it on Sunday.

‘You should not get jealous of what I say to him. He is my alpha male and I love it when I encourage him and he does those things to me. You are my wimp submissive. You don’t do those things to me, and so there is no reason for you to be jealous!’

Needless to say I came deep inside Her as She told me these terrible things.

She also told me to complete the preparation of my review form by Sunday evening, or be punished for that too.

Simply sex

Last night as I lay in bed waiting for Mistress to join me, my cock, as usual, got hard.

I was thinking how nice it would be like ‘in the old days’ for Her to kneel naked between my open legs and play with my cock, sucking it, and making me cum, either wanking me, or better still make me cum in Her mouth.

I knew it wouldn’t happen – She is very clear that She does not want to do that sort of thing with me – though goodness knows She does it to Dave enough.

If She would only put it in Her mouth, I thought, but She has not done that this year, even though I eat Her pussy and/or Her arse every other day.

My cock got even harder ( I call it the cuckold hard on) at the thought of Her doing these things with Dave.

Mistress got into bed and cuddled up to me, feeling my hard on.

She pushed her lovely, naked arse back into my cock and said ‘You better just put it in me. I haven’t got the energy for anything else’.

I fingered Her a little and then fucked Her. Straight forward sex. I didn’t have to eat Her pussy, no kinky talk, just fucking. That’s all we did – just fuck – nothing kinky. But it was brilliant. I came in Her so hard – still thinking of Her and Dave, and She too moaned with Her pleasure.

It was great. And the simplest sex we’ve had for ages.

What a lovely warm, tight cunt She has.