Conflict - an open letter to Mistress

I miss you ‘fucking me’

I miss the process of You ‘fucking me’ - initiating and encouraging sex that is “for” me rather than “just” for you - going down on me, swallowing me, allowing me your arse… think of it (dare I say it!) as all the things You enjoy doing with David.

I miss all these things. I miss them deeply and strongly in a manner that makes me sad. Knowing that you enjoy doing them with David worries me (I’m sorry, I know we’ve discussed this!) and makes me miss them even more.

I encouraged this change in our lives, and I do not regret having done that.

I love being Your submissive

I enjoy the privilege of being Your submissive and serving You submissively. I find it very difficult to accept this, but I love this privilege more than I feel the pain of missing You fucking me.

So in balance I feel, sadly, that I am ahead – I win through my service to You.

The humiliation of the cuckoldry is painful

I find it painfully humiliating that You enjoy going elsewhere to get the sort of enjoyable, straight forward fuck of the sort You get from David – the sort You used to get from me.

I am genuinely hurt – cut deep - every time this happens.

I am so privileged to the be the one You love, the one You choose to come back to

As You so rightly pointed out last time You came home from screwing David, I am the lucky one because I get to lick his sperm from Your arse – a position all the others would die to swap with me.

I know I am lucky for this and more - I know that I am the lucky one that You choose to come home to after Your fun. I am indeed the luckiest guy in the world.

I am the one You allow to lick Your arse and/or Your pussy almost every single day. I feel so grateful for, and undeserving of, that.

Conclusion

I was in complete awe of You when You came back from fucking David and did not let me fuck You.

It so rightly illustrated the correct balance in the relationship between us - a balance that we have discussed many times and agreed is so right for us both.
That choice was solely and completely yours, and certainly in direct contradiction to anything I would have chosen – I felt so much love and fear for You then. That You even allowed me to wank to empty my balls was so kind and I thank You for that.

I do not ‘want’ You to fuck me. I do not ‘want’ you to encourage or allow me to screw Your arse. I want you only to do what You choose to do, primarily for Your pleasure. But if it pleases You to fuck me or allow me to fuck Your arse, then I will be the first beneficiary, and very happy for it!

But if You tell me that right now you do not expect to go down on me again, nor to allow me to fuck Your arse again, then much as this will hurt me, it will deepen my awe and my love and desire to serve You. Perhaps in the hope that one day You might choose to use me in those ways?

Whatever Your decision, I will be glad of it and I will thank You for choosing it for me. For us.

Humiliation and discipline

I find it difficult to accept that You don’t choose to humiliate me verbally over my inability to enjoy normal sex with You. I feel so pathetic, I feel I would perhaps be happier to have you acknowledge it openly.

I feel confused also that You don’t choose to discipline or cane me to further drive this home – I feel that if only You would tell me You do not foresee me getting Your arse again, and if You came from David’s bed and chose to cane me instead of fucking me, or You chose to cane me instead of letting me wank, then maybe I would feel more complete – that I had got my just reward.

But I don’t want to be telling You what I want You to do to me….so I really don’t know what to say here…I feel it is wrong to say what I have said.

How come you can be so cruel?

When You came back from screwing David last time you did not let me screw you, you did not touch my cock, you just told me to sleep.

How could you be so cruel and dominant, and yet you say you don’t like to cause me pain or sadness? Surely you knew this would cause me pain and sadness. Surely for You to do that to me You must either like to cause me pain and sadness, or feel that I want/deserve to feel such pain and sadness?