I hate to dwell on a monotonous theme, but there is an issue that troubles me.
I see it as the cyclical nature of my submissive side. (I actually think it is the cyclical nature of the submissive male, but who am I to preach on what others think?) But I fear that others, including my darling Mistress Wife, may see it as a constant desire for punishment.
I want to serve and submit to me Mistress, slavishly.
I do not seek punishment, but I regret that I sometimes need it, or the clear threat of it, in order to motivate me to do the right thing.
Mistress enjoys my submission and service, but does not (appear to) want to pursue the punishment regime necessary to optimise my submission. She is happy to punish me when She sees fit, but this does not extend so far as ensuring the ‘perfect slave’.
I do not want Mistress to feel a need or pressure to punish me any more than She sees fit. But without that punishment I occasionally lapse into imperfection.
I feel that the more I am imperfect, the less submissive I am, the less dominant Mistress is and thus the cyclical nature of the dilemma is fed.
What on earth am I rambling on about?
There are a number of instances in the last few days (well, since I was permitted to orgasm actually) in which I have not exhibited a sufficiently deferential attitude to my Mistress, including the following:-
• When I was angered that She followed me into our daughters room at night.
• When I took the kids up for a bath yesterday and exhibited a shortness of temper in front of and towards Her.
• When I spoke to Her two or three times last night and did not properly address Her as ‘Mistress’.
Contrast the behaviour above with my attitude to shaving and to doing the laundry. Mistress has said that if a damage another garment in the wash then I will get 30 strokes per garment damaged. So do I continue to mix colours in the wash? You bet I don’t! Mistress has said that I’ll get ten strokes if I go down on Her again with stubble on my chin. So do I forget to shave before we go to bed? I certainly do not.
Mistress has mentioned both these things in the past. I have been aware that laundry should be separated into colours, and I have been aware that my stubble can rub against Her thighs. So as a good submissive I should have paid attention to these areas anyway. But that is exactly my point: I am not perfect, not as a submissive nor in any other way. But the added incentive of the otherwise inevitable punishment ensures that I remain focused on attending to these areas and not letting them slip.
This makes me a better submissive. Interestingly it does not necessarily lead to Mistress using the cane more. Ideally it does not, because ideally I deliver to Her clear expectations.
3 comments:
HI SH, I am glad you and your fine Lady are back here on blogspot. I missed your takes, and your perspective on things.
As for your internal struggle, dont be too hard on yourself. Your love an devotion to her is commendable, as is your desire to see her pleasured and pampered.
BUT dear man, yuo are only human. Try to get better, so she doesnt HAVE to punish you, but dont get down on life if she doesnt always give you what yuo need to be better for her.
She only has a finite amount of time and energy too. I may be blatehring a bit, but I hope you can see that there is a lot of beauty in how you defer to her, and perceive her specialness. And a lot of that wonderful feminine grace and haughtyness in her manner towards you.
Easy and normal for you to be bummed by the weaker areas of your molding yourself to suit her desires, and easy for her to lose focus on all the great things you do for her in return for accepting the glorious gift of her truer nature.
Please try to enjoy a little of the special beauty that can ONLY pass between two people in a marriage like yours!
PAX to you, OB.
Thank you OB. Your feedback and suggestions are both welcome and sobering :)
HI SH, I am sorry if it was abit of a buzz killer. I did not mean to have that effect.
I was shooting for more of a cheerleader type thing to encourage yuo to try to do more, but with a psoitive attitude of pride in what you are doing, and an awareness by both of you that your ability to do things for your precious Lady does have finite limits on it, even if they are very high.
I think a wise and caring Domme or Dom will deliberately manufacture alittle bit of highs and lows into the D/s aspects of the relationship, so the subbie is not on this monotomic attempt to please with no relief from the pressure of trying to go eve upward.
Just MHO, again, I am sooo glad yuo are back on blogspot!
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