Accepting second place

I have not conveyed my disappointment and pain, or yesterday’s worries to Mistress.

I am trying to accept my second place, and encourage and support Her pleasure. Share Her joy.

I would like to learn to accept my sometimes or sexual second place without fighting it.

Yesterday's Time Triangle

11am

I text Mistress a snog. She texts a kiss back.

1 o’clock

I think about Her. I wonder if She’s made it into town as She was planning to. I feel disappointed that She might have found time to go into town, and not found time to text me while She was out of work.

2:45

I text Her: “Hi Sexy. Thinking of You.”

2:50

She texts back. “Good”.

8:30 pm

She gets home and show’s me Her text exchange with David, which took place at 1:30 while She was in town.

4:30am this morning

I'm awake wondering around the house. Can't sleep a wink.

She did get to town. She did find time to text. She just chose to text him, not me.

She tells me that She chose not to tell me that She texted David during the day, because ‘It was no big deal. That’s all it was – just a text – it took no time and it meant nothing. I would have blown it out of proportion and context.’

You figure. Is that ‘just a text’, or is it an emotionally significant moment?

I’m finding this quite difficult. David says he doesn’t like to be second. So how come I feel that I’m second?

In touch

Mistress is back.

As I thought, they've been in touch. Her initiative.

But he has not invited Her out (yet). If he does, She'll be gone like a shot.

Fingers crossed.

Waxing

Tonight Mistress is due to leave work at 5:45 to go for Pilates from 6:00 to 7:00. From there She is due to go for a waxing ‘Bikini, Under Arms and Legs’ it says in her iPhone diary. I think of it as ‘shaving Her pussy’.

Her pussy is wonderfully silken just after a waxing. Hmmm. Yummy.

In the past David has texted Her on the way to Pilates. That’s where it started. He has also met up with Her on the day of Her waxing – I think She arranged it that way, so he could have a super smooth pussy.

I hope She comes home this evening.

Well, She will come home anyway, to see the kids. You can be sure of that. It's whether or not She then stays that is the question.

Closing in?

It's 5pm on a Friday evening.

It's a safe bet that Mistress' mind is turning to David, and wondering if he'll text Her, and the fun She'll have if he does.

I bet She's thinking: "What shall I wear? Will we meet up at the pub and dance and flirt first? Or go straight to his place for hours of kinky sex?"

Question is, what's he thinking? It's a pretty safe bet that he's thinking it would be fun to hook up with Her for a wild time. But maybe his girlfriend is with him and he can't get away.

I wonder. But it's getting late, and if he's going to reach out it will not be long.

I hope he doesn't. I want Her to myself. I hope he does. I want Her to have kinky fun.

Interesting Times

After She caned me Mistress had me wank into this bowl. My cock was soft from the caning however she kindly wanked it for me to get it started.

She tired of wanking me before I came, and told me to finish myself off. That made me think of David. I bet She finishes him off Herself.

So anyway, I wanked into the pot, groaning as my spoof fell into it.

Then She watched and laughed as I drank it. ‘You expect me to drink it, now you know what it’s like,’ She chuckled as I swallowed it down.

She said She knows I hate doing that, and that’s why She made me do it.

The cane AND eating my own cum, both on the same day. These are interesting times.

Shaving

For all that she does not compare us, Mistress ordered me to shave my cock “like David does. I prefer it that way.” “Keep it clean shaved!” She instructed.

I can’t spoon into Her at night with a prickly groin, so I do have to keep it clean shaved.

I use a wet razor every evening, so that it is as smooth as possible when we are in bed. I shave my chin every day at this time too, so that if She gets me to eat Her I will be as smooth as possible against Her.

It’s a fairly severe act of domination. She does not get involved, but every day I have to shave, even though I will probably not get any action….

I must say I quite like the look of it though – it looks bigger (!) But too big for Her arse – not necessarily a good thing.

The cane

When we came away from the Lake District we left the kids up there with my mum for a few days, so we had the house to ourselves when we got back.

Mistress took the opportunity to tie me to the bed and cane me, quite severely. She said it was a punishment for being rude to Her when She was driving. But I think She just decided She wanted to cane me. It doesn’t really matter why – I can’t get into Her head can I? The point is She did it.

The house was empty and I cried out loud and struggled for mercy, but She was fairly relentless and carried on quite a bit.

I’m not sure whether this marks a regular return to the cane, or a one off. I don’t intend to ask Her, because I want Her to do whatever She wants to do, without a thought for me.

I hope it marks a regular return to the cane, because it hurt like hell and I am now in fear of having more – making me much better towards Her.

It’s funny how similar my ambivalence is towards the cane and David. And they both make me more submissive to Her.

Half Term Time Bomb

We had a few days off over half term. Packed up the car and drove off to the Lake District to spend some time with relatives.

I breathed a sigh of relief as we drove off. It’s a 7 hour drive. For a few days I could have absolute certainty that if David called, She would not be able to leave me and go to him. I had a great few days because of this.

But now we are back, and it’s a Friday today. The guy crawls out the woodwork more often on a Friday than any other day, and I am terrified that he could emerge today to disrupt my time with Her.

I have decided that if he does then I will simply support and encourage Her in whatever She chooses to do.

It is exactly a month since they last met, and he is not good at keeping in touch or making plans to meet. Last time he texted Her he sent the text at 3am on a Saturday morning! ‘Are u out?’ he asked. Fortunately She was fast asleep upstairs in bed wth me.

I actually think he is not good enough for Her – does not show Her enough respect, and I have told Her this, but She says he is fine for what She wants – which is just great sex without hassles.

I’m pretty sure that he will call soon, and when he does She will bolt off to see him. And he will get Her arse again. She told me my cock is too big and I will not be fucking her arse again.

Pleasure Pain

Seven minute of pure pleasure pain

Recently I told Mistress how painful it is every day licking and tonguing Her arse and knowing that David gets to fuck it and I don’t.

This morning was the first opportunity since then that I had to offer to eat Her pussy or arse, and She sent me down to her arse.

As I eased my tongue in and out, licking deep and all around She was responding with a much more active sphincter than has ever been the case in the past – I think She was enjoying the power trip.

I just got on with my business and gave Her the most pleasure I could.

I had noticed the time on Her clock when I went down (7:03am) and noticed again when I came up (7:10am). 7 minutes of anal stimulation. Lucky Girl.

This is crazy

My newly shaved cock was looking rather awesome hanging down as I brushed my teach this morning. Mistress came in to shower, and I decided to ask Her to please touch it for me. She reluctantly reached out and gave it a little rub, started to enjoy it and wanked me about 3 times as She walked into the shower, letting go very quickly and shutting the shower door.

I pretended She had shut my cock in the door, and said She would have to kiss it better – hoping She might use the excuse to give me a little blow job. ‘In your dreams’, She said. ‘In your dreams.’

Needless to say I was depressed (and still am). I was hoping for a little kiss or lick. Why? Do I want blow jobs, or do I want to be denied? Which is it? Silly fucker.

My cock has only been in Her mouth once since She met David. Afterwards I made the silly mistake (I now realise) of asking Her if She had sucked me to make up for all the stuff She does with David – which I thought, and still do think – was true.

Since then She has just stayed away from it.

Fruit

My picture today is chosen as it illustrates the conflicts within me. I find that I now collect all the porn I can find of girls with fruit in their cunts.

David has used a variety of fruit on Mistress’ pussy, which She has enjoyed tremendously. But She won’t let me use any on Her.

The pain I feel every time I see fruit in a vagina is intense. This picture is particularly painful, as the girl is so obviously enjoying it - look at that smile.

Who's counting?

One – number of orgasms I’ve had today.

Two – number of orgasms I’ve had in the last 24 hours.

Three – number of times David has fucked Mistress in the arse.

Four – number of times David has fucked Mistress.

Five – number of weeks Mistress has been seeing David.

Mistress tells me She does not count or keep score. She just enjoys. I count.

She and I have roughly doubled the amount of sex we have together since She took up with him.

Ambivalence

I have rightmate to that for using this work in his comment yesterday. I’ve never thought about the word before – if you’d asked me, I’d have said it’s a fairly common word, and I know the meaning of it.

But on reflection I decided I did not know the meaning – the context in which rightmate used it sowed a seed of doubt in my mind. So I looked it up. Wow! It sums up my position fairly exactly!

The future will be interesting

Yesterday marked a turning point in my relationship with Mistress.

The fact that She went ahead and texted David, even when She saw the angst it caused me, is significant.

She admitted that she was fucking him for Her, not for ‘us’, and that She prefers to fuck him rather than me – he is ‘more exciting’ and if She was to choose a bed to be in it would be his, is monumental.

I am surprised and scared that She admitted all this face to face when we spoke last night. I must say, I never thought She would admit this – to Herself or to me. It’s rather scary.

Later when She told me to wank to empty my balls and I asked Her to suck me, She said I would have to suffer the cane before She would let me cum in Her mouth again.

She said it..

Mistress has verbally admitted She prefers fucking him. She struggled with it, but She said, for a straight forward fuck he is better than me.

But She compensated that I eat Her pussy better than him...some cheer..

She asked him to meet up tomorrow but he can't - his girlfriend is with him so I get Her to myself one more time.

I am to shave off my pubes tonight and keep my cock completely shaved until further notice.

Is She going to admit this?

Me (14:15):
Well Mistress 'No Comment', have You texted him? Xx

Mistress (14:21):
No, have not txted him x x

Me (14:30):
I guess I'm not surprised You haven't. I'd expect You to want to think about it. You're probably hoping to convince Yourself of Your own denial! xx. Though I also felt that for the first time You were nearly close to accepting the reality with sufficient comfort that you won't depress Yourself, but just get on and text him and enjoy Yourself! God, I love You in the weirdest way! Xx

Me (14:33):
I was starving - just about to go and get lunch, when You texted about David. As usual I then forgot abut food - but now I'm eating - phew! Starving. There's a tin of mixed beans for You in the fridge.

Mistress (14:33):
Thank goodness you love me....coz even I know I am weird. X x well, not sure what to say really x x

Me (14:37):
Just say what You planned: 'So were u out last Friday? Have u got Sarah with u 2morow evening?' Simple really!

Me (14:45):
Or, if You really don't find the sex with him preferable, then come home tomorrow and use me for two hours! Xx ;) Just kidding - I know You don't want to do that and I don't mind! I wish You did though! But I really don't mind - so long as You are doing what You want and You love me! Xx

Mistress (14:47):
I love u, that's the only thing I am sure about! X x

Me (14:50):
Good! Lucky me. Xx I'm also sure that You really would like to fuck David tomorrow. Sadly not with me me, just the two of you :(

Me (14:55):
Anyway, you should text him while he is more likely to be out at work. Talking of which, I'm getting back to work now too. Xx

Me (15:05):
So, just to be clear, are You finally actually admitting that you are {not sure if You prefer fucking David to me}? (Or, in fact actually admitting that You {do prefer fucking him to me}?) xx

Mistress (15:06):
? ? ? I have to work now, talk later pls x

Me (15:07):
L8r. Luv ya. xx

Text conversation with Mistress this afternoon

Conversation with Mistress
Mistress (12:48):
Hi. Sexy slave...... Very busy but soo bored. So I feel like bugging DM. Shall I txt say to him.... hi, and say, so were u out last Fri? and ask if he has Sarah with him tomorrow evening? Bet he will say he does. Or do u still feel he ain't good enough for me & so best I leave him alone with his weirdness! X

Me (12:52):
Well You certainly deserve to be treated better, but since You obviously enjoy his company then go ahead and enjoy it! You've got nothing to lose and fun to gain so go for it. Xx Your slave. xx

Mistress (12:56):
I feel weird txting him when u think he is treating me like crap as I am meant to be the strong mistress. What I will not do is go out of my way to see him, nor will I beg to see him or say nice things like I miss him etc like we've txted in the past to make him feel good. I just want to know what goes on in his head really x x what u think? X x

Me (13:01):
I think that You deserve to be treated better and You should find someone who will treat You better. But that's just me - what I think is not important. You like him and want to enjoy time with him then don't postulate - just seduce him and get what You want - if its what You want then its what You want... And You can't seduce him 'reluctantly'! xx

Me (13:06):
Do you really want to know what goes on in his head? OR do You want fun & wild sex with him? The only way You are going to get into his head is via his bed anyway, specially since he thinks with his dick! So kiss ass and seduce him if that's what You want!

Mistress (13:08):
Well, I will leave well alone. Not sure about the tone of ur txt...... Anyway will not make contact .... Back to work now x xx

Me (13:10):
What are You not sure about the tone of my text?

Mistress (13:14):
Can't say by txt.... Open to misinterpretation....no x x . Talk about it later. Honestly, I think what worries me about pursuing him in any way is that I worry about ur comment about me being an enthusiastic Fucker of him and a reluctant Dominant to you. So I worry u'll get madly insecure & misinterpret my intentions x x

Me (13:23):
Hmm. It's interesting the things You choose to analyse! Your enthusiasm to Fuck him hurts me every time, but I can't change the reality of the world we live in, and I love the happiness it gives You/us, so why should either of us fight it? It's true. Just enjoy it.

Me (13:28):
I think You like to analyse some impossible ideas - look back at the diverse thoughts in your last 3 texts... I am simpler - I recognise that You enjoy/love the sex with David and I accept that. Surely the whole point was to find a good, uncomplicated fuck, and You found one! I accept that - it is my lot - I even like it/love while I hate it, but I don't deny it. I do find it weird that You don't accept it in word, though You do in deed. I can't figure why.

Me (13:31):
I think maybe You try to protect me - while still seeing him. You can't protect me. I know You enjoy sex with me - the sex we have. But you also love fucking him, so why should either of us deny it? I'd rather be honest. I sometimes wish he had a bigger cock than me, then You could just say You like his bigger cock - just like You do say You like his smaller cock in Your arse.

Me (13:32):
Just because his cock is not bigger than mine does not mean You cannot say/admit that you like hooking up with him coz You like the way he treats You and You like the way he fucks You. xx

Mistress (13:34):
I hear what you say & I like what u say as it is reassuring... And I believe that u like it and hate it at the same time. First time u have put it in words that I understand. Why I do not admit in words is that I can control that so as not to Hurt you. When I do it in action is more impulsive can't control it I guess,...... But silly me should know actions speak louder than words! x x

Me (13:35):
I long to actually hear You say that You prefer the sex with him. That does not mean You do not enjoy sex with me - when we have sex that You choose to have with me You love it - we both do, but for a good, straight forward fuck I think You enjoy David more and would be happy if You admitted it in a dominant way.

Mistress (13:36):
X x :) x x I know I will one day! In a. Dominant way. Love u

Me (13:37):
But in a dominant way that is true - not a pretense. So stop pretending and text the guy!

Mistress (13:38):
Ok x x

Me (13:55):
While I appear to be communicating effectively... You cannot deny that You have still not found the time to claim the 2 hours of sex with me in any manner of YOUR choosing (not doing what I want, but what YOU want) and neither have You found ten minutes to shave my cock like You said You wanted to, but right now You are contemplating finding 4 hours to flirt and fuck with David tomorrow.
Whether you 'chase' him (as You call it) or whether he chases You does not affect me - because I am not blind to the reality of what I see - You will find time to fuck him like You will not find time to fuck me. You will give him Your arse, go down on Your knees and swallow his spoof like You will not do for me. That hurts like fuck, but its true and I'd rather we accepted it and lived with it.
It's funny that You won't cane me - I think because You don't want to hurt me - but the hurt of the cane is nothing compared to the hurt of Your desire for him.
But in my submissive way I love You and I want You to have whatever You want. I hope that one day You love me as a submissive enough to be able to be honest about it. Xx

Mistress (13:57):
No comment really :) x x

Making time for what She wants

It’s interesting when I talk to Mistress about Her attitude to sex with me (or lack of it, perhaps!) She gets very defensive: ‘You are all I need’ She says.

But this is obviously not true. Some months ago we had a bet: if She lost She was to use me sexually (any way She chooses) for two hours. She lost. Nothing has happened. She has not “had the time” (read inclination).

A few weeks ago She said that She wanted to trim my pubic hair (to make it more like David’s would you believe!) But She has never done so – She keeps saying She might, but She never “has the time”.

Then today, out of the blue, She texts me to say She’s working hard in the office, but She’s really bored, and wants to text David to arrange a date for tomorrow night. If he says ‘yes’ then She will straight away find time to shower, dress sexy and go out with him for 3-4 hours.

She says She does not compare us. But check out the facts for yourself. Bottom line She makes time for sex with him that She does not with make with me. Yet She will not accept and acknowledge that as a start point because She doesn’t want to hurt me.

It seems She does not realise that Her very text suggesting She makes contact with him is a devastating body blow to me. Yes I hope She does meet up with him because She enjoys it so much – but the reality still hurts me.

She is right - I am confused

I didn’t actually give Mistress the open letter yesterday. I had, the day before, talked to Her about my feelings, and told Her how hurt I was to miss those things.

So (note the word ‘so’) this morning in bed She holds my dick before allowing me to go down and eat Her arse. Then while I’m eating Her arse She wanks me some more.

I did feel a little odd – like She was doing it because I had talked about it. Because of this, my cock was not rock hard as it would normally be.

She then tells me to come up and stick it in Her pussy (as She calls it). I do so and am soon panting away. My cock is still not rock hard, though it gets a little harder as She is groaning and appears to be enjoying it. But I can’t get my mind away from a belief that She is doing this because She feels I complained or am not happy; She is doing it ‘for’ me, not ‘for’ Her.

In due course I cum in Her – a very pleasant experience of course – and the day starts.

I now find myself wishing She had not encouraged me to do that. I feel She did it for me and my pleasure, and not for any inherent pleasure of Her own, other than that of pleasing me.

While I miss the spontaneous sex I talked about in my last blog, I am definitely happier having only that sex that She chooses spontaneously to give me.

I’m not sure how or if I will be able to discuss this with Her – She will probably find it a tetchy subject.

Conflict - an open letter to Mistress

I miss you ‘fucking me’

I miss the process of You ‘fucking me’ - initiating and encouraging sex that is “for” me rather than “just” for you - going down on me, swallowing me, allowing me your arse… think of it (dare I say it!) as all the things You enjoy doing with David.

I miss all these things. I miss them deeply and strongly in a manner that makes me sad. Knowing that you enjoy doing them with David worries me (I’m sorry, I know we’ve discussed this!) and makes me miss them even more.

I encouraged this change in our lives, and I do not regret having done that.

I love being Your submissive

I enjoy the privilege of being Your submissive and serving You submissively. I find it very difficult to accept this, but I love this privilege more than I feel the pain of missing You fucking me.

So in balance I feel, sadly, that I am ahead – I win through my service to You.

The humiliation of the cuckoldry is painful

I find it painfully humiliating that You enjoy going elsewhere to get the sort of enjoyable, straight forward fuck of the sort You get from David – the sort You used to get from me.

I am genuinely hurt – cut deep - every time this happens.

I am so privileged to the be the one You love, the one You choose to come back to

As You so rightly pointed out last time You came home from screwing David, I am the lucky one because I get to lick his sperm from Your arse – a position all the others would die to swap with me.

I know I am lucky for this and more - I know that I am the lucky one that You choose to come home to after Your fun. I am indeed the luckiest guy in the world.

I am the one You allow to lick Your arse and/or Your pussy almost every single day. I feel so grateful for, and undeserving of, that.

Conclusion

I was in complete awe of You when You came back from fucking David and did not let me fuck You.

It so rightly illustrated the correct balance in the relationship between us - a balance that we have discussed many times and agreed is so right for us both.
That choice was solely and completely yours, and certainly in direct contradiction to anything I would have chosen – I felt so much love and fear for You then. That You even allowed me to wank to empty my balls was so kind and I thank You for that.

I do not ‘want’ You to fuck me. I do not ‘want’ you to encourage or allow me to screw Your arse. I want you only to do what You choose to do, primarily for Your pleasure. But if it pleases You to fuck me or allow me to fuck Your arse, then I will be the first beneficiary, and very happy for it!

But if You tell me that right now you do not expect to go down on me again, nor to allow me to fuck Your arse again, then much as this will hurt me, it will deepen my awe and my love and desire to serve You. Perhaps in the hope that one day You might choose to use me in those ways?

Whatever Your decision, I will be glad of it and I will thank You for choosing it for me. For us.

Humiliation and discipline

I find it difficult to accept that You don’t choose to humiliate me verbally over my inability to enjoy normal sex with You. I feel so pathetic, I feel I would perhaps be happier to have you acknowledge it openly.

I feel confused also that You don’t choose to discipline or cane me to further drive this home – I feel that if only You would tell me You do not foresee me getting Your arse again, and if You came from David’s bed and chose to cane me instead of fucking me, or You chose to cane me instead of letting me wank, then maybe I would feel more complete – that I had got my just reward.

But I don’t want to be telling You what I want You to do to me….so I really don’t know what to say here…I feel it is wrong to say what I have said.

How come you can be so cruel?

When You came back from screwing David last time you did not let me screw you, you did not touch my cock, you just told me to sleep.

How could you be so cruel and dominant, and yet you say you don’t like to cause me pain or sadness? Surely you knew this would cause me pain and sadness. Surely for You to do that to me You must either like to cause me pain and sadness, or feel that I want/deserve to feel such pain and sadness?

Kangaroo

Mistress and I were talking over the weekend, and She let slip (almost accidentally I think) that when She and David had been playing sub-dom games he had given Her a safe word – ‘Kangaroo’.

She had previously mentioned that he’d tied Her to his bed, but She’d not mentioned the safe word. I think She had tried to trivialise the extend to which She had surrendered to him so as not to upset me.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, that’s the key thing about Her seeing him – at the end of the day I actually KNOW KNOTHING about what really went on. All I know is what She chooses to tell me….

Oral service

I offered to lick Mistress' arse or pussy as usual this morning before leaving bed. As usual, Mistress ‘allowed’ me to lick Her arse.

I think I do this rather well, and She enjoys the stimulation of my tongue in Her.

I was thinking about it again today – that David gets to fuck Her arse and I only get to lick it – but I do get to tongue it deep, and every day, so I really can’t complain – I am the lucky one who gets it every day, even if She doesn’t let me screw it.

Implied consent

Last night as Mistress got into bed I licked Her nipple into my mouth and She groaned with pleasure. Having not asked for permission first I was emboldened by Her groans and continued to stimulate both Her breasts with my mouth.

She squirmed with pleasure and had the temerity to reach for Her pussy and play with that – again without permission. She soon became wet, and I went down on Her and licked Her pussy.

This is the furthest I have been without explicit permission for longer than I can remember, and I found it terribly exciting.

I looked up and asked permission to put my dick in Her, saying that I liked to do so before going back down on Her, as I found this a submissive thing to do, and the next best thing given that I could not suck my own dick.

She kindly agreed and I thrust into Her a good few times before She told me to go back down on Her. After She came from my oral ministrations She ordered me back in and I too had the pleasure of an orgasm. Heaven!

Morning Glory

I was not feeling horny when I woke, but I decided to offer my oral services anyway: ‘Would You like me to lick Your pussy or Your arse before I go and make You tea?” I asked, as I do most mornings.

I was expecting a ‘no’ since She had cum last night, but She quickly said yes, asking me to lick Her arse, and adopting the spoon position so I could come in from underneath.

Her arse was a gem – soft, smooth and tight. Fully recovered and tightened from the screwing David gave it the previous weekend. My tongue slipped in softly and caressed Her inner skin to the full depths I could plumb it. It was wonderful.

I felt a intense, longing desire to screw Her arse, so warm and snug.

After she told me to stop I told Her of my desire and longing to screw Her arse, but she did not seem happy at the suggestion. Clearly She does not like the thought of anal sex with me – whether because my cock is too big, or whether because She does not feel a submissive Should be allowed such a treat I do not know. I am sure She feels a little guilty that She lets David enjoy this pleasure (and enjoys it with him!) but not me.

I resolved not to ask again, nor express this desire. I do not want to make her feel guilty.

I have been a little sad all day. David has had Her there twice now and I have not, and I miss it.

Great weekend

Mistress and I had a great night out on Friday – drinks and dance ‘till the wee hours. Enjoyed each others company immensely.

We were in a popular nightspot that is David’s favourite, but he wasn’t there thank goodness – I was a little worried Mistress might choose to leave with him if he asked Her to – but that did not happen and I had a great time.

Saturday we spent the day out with the kids. In the afternoon Mistress exchanged a few texts with David and invited him to meet up but he was not available. So I won the pleasure of Her company again and the two of us stayed up drinking wine and chatting until 2.30 in the morning. We had a great time, and agreed a number of changes in our relationship:-

• Mistress has now changed the security code on Her phone. I am not allowed to ask to see the ‘phone or, of course, her conversations with David.

• I am never to suggest that Mistress invite David here or seek to involve myself in their relationship in any way. They are meeting for their pleasure not mine.

• Mistress will (in Her own words) fuck whoever She wants, wherever She wants, whenever She wants for as long as She wants and I will support Her, not comment on the matter.

For now Mistress has decided to build on the wanking theme. On Saturday night when we went to bed She told me that She had wanked during the day (Her lesbian porn from Literotica again…) and did not want any sexual advances from me. She told me to wank so that I sleep. I invited Her to do it for me but She declined and watched as I wanked a huge cum over my belly and then wiped it up before falling asleep in Her arms.

I am grateful to Mistress for the clarity this brings to my life, and for the pleasure of Her company and love.

It's me tonight - Hooray!

Mistress suggested that we get a baby sitter in for the night, and I go to town and join Her for drinks and a dance after the girls have eaten…. So lucky me – I get to enjoy Her company tonight, not David. I’m very pleased to be the one with Her, though I hope and expect that She will follow up with David another time.

I wonder what will happen if he does make contact this evening…

Girls night out

Mistress is going out for a girls night out to celebrate someone’s birthday today (Friday). They are going to dinner at a local restaurant.

I suggested to Her that She might contact David during the day to see if he wanted to meet up with her after.

She replied that She does not like the insecurities that have developed in me since She started seeing David. She said we spend too long agonising over things and She does not like that.

She is right – my insecurities are difficult to bear, and do seem to result in internal struggles within me, and then external struggles with Her – which are trying on us both.

She is therefore considering whether or not to carry on seeing him.

I have said I will respect her decision, and confirmed that I think an invitation from her to him would help enamour him to Her, but left the decision up to Her.

I hope She chooses to text, meet up and screw him.

I hope She chooses to stop seeing him, and instead chooses to work on our relationship.

I hope She arranges to meet him and bring him back here so they can dominate and humiliate me together – I have still not had the opportunity to lick him clean after he has cum in Her.

New kid on the block?

On Friday night when Mistress got back from David’s She was so excited. Her main news of the evening had nothing to do with David, but a junior guy called Chris from the office.

She told me they were dancing at a rowdy, popular local nightspot when this young guy (‘boy’ She called him) who reports to Her at work hit on Her. He did some dirty dancing including rubbing his erection against Her, which She felt and did not repel, and he said to Her ‘You can boss me about! You can tell me what to do any time!’

She loved this. ‘All you guys just want to be domminated!’ she said to me, ‘You are all the same!’

I’ve been trying to persuade Her of this for the last 5 years or so – but not until She finally worked it out for Herself last Friday did She ever believe it – now it appears She does.

She claims this guy is ‘way too young’ for Her, and She’ll ‘never’ shag him.

I say watch this space – he’s going to fall soon! I bet She’ll have him.

This guy has already had a huge influence on Her. When telling me I should be grateful that She gave me the opportunity to suck David’s spoof from Her arse She told me that both he and Chris would give anything to swap places with me.

She’s right, and She knows She is right.

I think this marks a turning point in our relationship. Certainly this is the first time She’s done anything like this and then tried to sleep without making me cum first.

Stocktake

When Mistress came back from David’s house at 2am Friday She was tired and ready to sleep.

She kindly lay down and let me lick his cum out of Her arse before finally going to the bathroom to get ready for bed. I licked deep with my tongue and sucked out all I could. It was a strange sensation! Her arse which is usually so tight even on my tongue was enlarged and loose from his cock, and I was able to get my tongue in as deep as it could go, with no resistance at all.

I begged for the opportunity to put my cock in Her arse as well, but She denied me this, telling me that my cock was too big, and She did not want it in Her arse.

Eventually She pulled away from my ministrations and went to the bathroom to get ready, returning to bed to sleep.

Of course I was horny, and rubbing my cock into Her but cheeks as She tried to sleep. She would not accept my advances and eventually agreed that I could wank to get rid of my horn so that I could sleep.

I persuaded Her to let me wank onto Her tits if I would then lick it off, to which She kindly agreed and rolled over to let me cum groaning onto Her gorgeous breasts. Incredibly frustrated that that is all I got. But as She said, I was the lucky one who got to lick his cum out of Her arse, I should be grateful.

I had no further sexual contact until Mistress kindly had me eat Her to orgasm on Monday mid day. But then Monday night Mistress kindly allowed me to penetrate Her pussy which I did mounting Her from behind.

As I eased into Her she groaned that my cock was so big! (and She says She doesn’t compare us! She was obviously saying it was big – and uncomfortably so – relative to David’s).

I was as gentle as possible – I don’t want a complete ban! I eased it in, and in no time at call came inside Her - such a delight, but so short lived – I just can’t last when She let’s me in! No wonder She likes to fuck David – that goes on for hours!

On Tuesday morning She kindly allowed me to eat Her arse before I got out of bed to make breakfast, and this morning She kindly let me eat Her pussy before we got up. I did so tenderly, trusting my finger deep into Her tight pussy as I ate Her, feeling that the full pentration of my finger was probably closer to the feeling of his cock than my large dick would be, and therefore comfortable that She would enjoy it which She did.

So since He used all 3 holes I have been lucky enough to eat Mistress’ pussy and arse twice each, and got to cum in Her. I guess I am the lucky one – in the weirdest, weirdest way.

Last night I told Her of my insecurities and we discussed it. She was very upset and cried about it – She questioned why then we were continuing with David. I noticed though that She did not offer to stop seeing him.

Today I sent a bunch of flowers to Her office – She was delighted! That was a good move. I wonder whether She’ll let me cum tonight as a reward for that…

Confidence

You say that you always liked my confidence, and that you want me to retain that. You “can’t bear” the uncertainty that has come over me since David.

I think about this a lot. Things you “can’t bear” are dangerous things because we are happily married and I want to stay that way.

The fact that You enjoy seeing him (screwing him) so much, and that when You do You fuck with him in a manner that You choose not do with me is just too humiliating and frightening for me to retain my old confidence towards You.

I do not feel at all confident. I feel the opposite. I feel tiny, humiliated and terrified of my own inadequacy. Lucky, proud and privileged to be Your submissive, but tiny, humiliated and terrified nonetheless.

I am terrified of loosing You – not to him, but loosing You per se: If I was not so submissive towards You then I would be giving You what he does, as I once did. But I am submissive towards You and so I am not giving You those things.

If you don’t like the humiliated me, then I’ll need You to help build my confidence back – by showing me that I deserve it – by You choosing to stop screwing him, and instead choosing to do those things with me.

Or, You decide You are actually happy to live with this humiliated shadow of the man I once was, that You can “bear it”, and so we continue down this path we are on.

I choose to submit to You on the matter. Whilst grossly humiliated and humbled, I am fulfilled as Your submissive – I am happy that it is more than I deserve, and that I am privileged to hold that position.

But for You to ask or demand that I remain confident in the light of this extreme humiliation just can’t be. I can’t feel confident. The constant pain of the humiliation won’t allow it.

I find it interesting that You don’t like to cane me, because it causes me pain. The pain of the cane is nothing compared to the pain of the humiliation.

Choices

I explain to Mistress that I am humiliated, disappointed, sad and excited that David had Her in all 3 holes, a thing I have not done for so long I can’t remember. A thing I wished would happen until now it has happened.

Why can’t I have Her in all 3 holes? After all, She is married to me and loves me.

I put this to Her: The reason She is doing this, and telling me about it, is because She is throwing down the gauntlet. She wants me to stop talking wimpy FemDom shit and rise to the occasion, start to once again give Her the sex She wants and deserves.

“No way!” She said. “Definitely not! I like things just as they are and do not want to change them. I want you humiliated and submissive and serving me better as a result of it.”

But She also says She wants me “confident” – not insecure or unsure of myself. She wants me confident in my submission to Her.

I ask you: How can you be confident in your cuckold submission? When another guy is getting all 3 holes in one night, and you are grateful to be allowed to wank? I don’t think you can be confident in that.

So She makes me an offer: I can switch for a week – I can dominate Her and have Her any way I want, and I can see how I like it. Then, at the end of the week She will agree to live however I choose. Anything, She says, to ensure I am confident about the lifestyle we lead.

As She pointed out, when I used to dom Her She still screwed other guys, and She could continue to screw David while living sub to me – if that’s what I want.

But the thing is this: I don’t WANT her to live submissive to me. I don’t WANT to switch. What I want to do is live the way She chooses for us to live – and She chooses to maintain what we have right now – with me serving Her.

But I want all 3 holes… I want Her to drop down in front of me and suck my cock into Her mouth…

But I genuinely feel that I do not deserve that, and that I am better, more correctly placed as Her submissive, only getting such sex as She explicitly grants me – even if that is just wanking rights every now and again.

My goodness I’m confused. But I’m not confused. I’m clear. I want to serve Her.

Eating...

Well I was wrong on a few counts.

Mistress sorted out the shopping then went up to shower, asking me to get Her lunch together. We always have a bean mixture of we are both home for lunch (and I always prepare it – She used to, but not any more).

As I’m mixing the food Mistress calls me to come upstairs, and I wonder what She has in mind. I find her naked in the dressing room, carrying some porn that She loves (www.literotica.com - she likes (loves!) the favourites from the lesbian category).

She’s as clean as a whistle, and tells me that I’m going to eat Her nice, clean pussy, and She lies down on bed and gets into the porn. I go down on Her and do my best. (http://www.asstr.org/files/FAQs_and_Information/How_to_Eat_a_Pussy.txt)

She gets fairly wet as I work Her – the lesbian porn always does that – but I like to think I help, and in due course She drops the porn and grasps my head firmly into Her pussy as She shudders to orgasm. I slow down and gently lick Her clean and dry as She sighs in contentment.

“Time for work” She tells me – “Go down and make my lunch.” So I do.

She comes down and settles at Her desk with Her files and papers. I finish preparing the lunch and serve Her at Her desk. Lunch and tea. She works while I serve.

I then prepare my own lunch, kiss Her goodbye, and come back to my room to work and eat.

Well, I guess She’s had the sex She wants, and the pleasure She chose for me was the privilege of eating Her – and I was privileged.

I can’t complain – there is no uncertainty there – She’s just done, and had me do, just what She wanted, and She chose me to do it.

The expectation gap

Mistress is on Her way back from the gym. It is a public holiday here today, and my mum has taken the kids for the day so that Mistress and I can work at home – we’ve both got a lot to do.

But whenever we have the house to ourselves like this (which is very rare) my mind goes to what She might do to me or with me if She chose to dominate and or humiliate and/or use me as Her sex slave or object in some way – any way She chooses.

I hope that when She walks in sweaty from the gym She might ask me to lick her sweaty cunt for Her. Or She might tie me up and thrash me, cutting my arse ‘till it bleeds – perhaps because I wanked without permission, or perhaps because She wants to…

If She wants or chooses to do either of those things, or anything else, then I feel justified and vilified. The humiliation of Her taking another more robust lover becomes justified.

But herein is the real problem: These fantasies of what She might do to me are all in my head – She is coming back to work – not to use me as a sex slave. She has not got the time to use me as a sex slave – even when the one opportunity that She might do so presents itself. (There is no kidding myself on this scrore – ‘not got the time’ = ‘not got the inclination – because She has always got the time to go and fuck him, any time, at the drop of a hat – this one aspect is the most humiliating reality of everything that is going on in my life right now).

So at the end of the day I will be depressed – “She could have done this or that to me” I will be thinking, “but She did not choose to. She chose to work” – which was always the plan for the day.

She should, of course, choose what She wants to choose – it is not up to me to ‘make’ Her do anything to me, nor to ask nor suggest it. But the fact that She does not choose to do anything to me cuts me up. It leaves me terrified and scared – She is getting all She wants from him and genuinely has less or no need for me and my pathetic fantasies.

She’s home now. I’ll go and help with the shopping.

David gets some

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Now You see him, now You don't...

Throughout this relationship David has always said that Mistress ‘touches him deep inside’, ‘does things other people don’t do’, he ‘would marry her in a second if he got the chance’. But he has a girlfriend that he wants to have babies with, and She (Mistress) is already married.

I could see that he was in a bit of a spot. Mistress ran (and I mean ran!) to see him at the drop of a hat – any time of day or night, to meet up for a drink or for a 4 hour sex session, and She’s great fun to party with, so if course the guys is going to fall for Her. But then he sees me in the background and what does he think?

So he said to her he does not like being ‘second’ to me - he’s not used to being second.

So eventually he sends her this text: He’s thought long and hard about it, it’s been great fun and GREAT sex, but he’s decided to give it a go with his girlfriend, so regretfully, he will not be making contact with Her again.

Mistress replies telling him it has indeed been great fun, and She understands his desire to make a go of it with his girlfriend, so goodbye and good luck. That was two weeks ago.

Excuse me for being a cynic, but I said that in my opinion, it would just be a matter of time…

Tonight Mistress is out for another office do – one of the girls is leaving. We talked about it and I said David might be there (they originally met at one of her office drink ups – he used to work there).

Apparently he’s not there tonight, but what do you know? He’s just texted Her to say Hi! Surprise surprise – he’s back on the scene.

Just before he pulled out of it all, he started to ask Mistress to Sissify and dom him, and he started wanting to eat Her pussy (and arse) all the time. She told me this did nothing for Her – She already has me doing that for Her all the time – what She needs from him is real man sex (my words, not Hers!). So, She said to me, She was actually glad to see the back of him!

But then ten minutes ago She texts me to say She’d feeling naughty and She wants to text him! Go figure! Then he texts Her anyway!

I’ve been here before with those two – it’s 11 o’clock at night, he’s feeling horny, and She’s feeling naughty – it’ll be 5am before She’s home tonight – and I’m getting up at 5:15 for an early round of golf! I’m not going to wait up – I’m going to have to start to sleep (if I can!) and then hear about it later!

Looks like the late night sex sessions are back! Am I happy, worried, jealous or glad?

The fact of the matter is that I have not screwed Her properly, as he has done, for years, though I want to – I can’t just ask for it and do it – I feel too submissive. And now I can’t even look at a banana without thinking of the fact She loves it when he uses fruit on Her – I’m fucked if She sees him, and fucked if She does not!

This morning I had a secret wank! I’ve not had a wank for years! I was feeling horny thinking about how wild the sex is She has with him, and the fact that She does not do that with me – mad me sad and horny! So what the fuck – I wanked – it was great – nice big cum of self gratification!

I didn’t tell Her – I should do really – I’ll tell Her some time this weekend.