Kangaroo

Mistress and I were talking over the weekend, and She let slip (almost accidentally I think) that when She and David had been playing sub-dom games he had given Her a safe word – ‘Kangaroo’.

She had previously mentioned that he’d tied Her to his bed, but She’d not mentioned the safe word. I think She had tried to trivialise the extend to which She had surrendered to him so as not to upset me.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, that’s the key thing about Her seeing him – at the end of the day I actually KNOW KNOTHING about what really went on. All I know is what She chooses to tell me….

Oral service

I offered to lick Mistress' arse or pussy as usual this morning before leaving bed. As usual, Mistress ‘allowed’ me to lick Her arse.

I think I do this rather well, and She enjoys the stimulation of my tongue in Her.

I was thinking about it again today – that David gets to fuck Her arse and I only get to lick it – but I do get to tongue it deep, and every day, so I really can’t complain – I am the lucky one who gets it every day, even if She doesn’t let me screw it.

Implied consent

Last night as Mistress got into bed I licked Her nipple into my mouth and She groaned with pleasure. Having not asked for permission first I was emboldened by Her groans and continued to stimulate both Her breasts with my mouth.

She squirmed with pleasure and had the temerity to reach for Her pussy and play with that – again without permission. She soon became wet, and I went down on Her and licked Her pussy.

This is the furthest I have been without explicit permission for longer than I can remember, and I found it terribly exciting.

I looked up and asked permission to put my dick in Her, saying that I liked to do so before going back down on Her, as I found this a submissive thing to do, and the next best thing given that I could not suck my own dick.

She kindly agreed and I thrust into Her a good few times before She told me to go back down on Her. After She came from my oral ministrations She ordered me back in and I too had the pleasure of an orgasm. Heaven!

Morning Glory

I was not feeling horny when I woke, but I decided to offer my oral services anyway: ‘Would You like me to lick Your pussy or Your arse before I go and make You tea?” I asked, as I do most mornings.

I was expecting a ‘no’ since She had cum last night, but She quickly said yes, asking me to lick Her arse, and adopting the spoon position so I could come in from underneath.

Her arse was a gem – soft, smooth and tight. Fully recovered and tightened from the screwing David gave it the previous weekend. My tongue slipped in softly and caressed Her inner skin to the full depths I could plumb it. It was wonderful.

I felt a intense, longing desire to screw Her arse, so warm and snug.

After she told me to stop I told Her of my desire and longing to screw Her arse, but she did not seem happy at the suggestion. Clearly She does not like the thought of anal sex with me – whether because my cock is too big, or whether because She does not feel a submissive Should be allowed such a treat I do not know. I am sure She feels a little guilty that She lets David enjoy this pleasure (and enjoys it with him!) but not me.

I resolved not to ask again, nor express this desire. I do not want to make her feel guilty.

I have been a little sad all day. David has had Her there twice now and I have not, and I miss it.

Great weekend

Mistress and I had a great night out on Friday – drinks and dance ‘till the wee hours. Enjoyed each others company immensely.

We were in a popular nightspot that is David’s favourite, but he wasn’t there thank goodness – I was a little worried Mistress might choose to leave with him if he asked Her to – but that did not happen and I had a great time.

Saturday we spent the day out with the kids. In the afternoon Mistress exchanged a few texts with David and invited him to meet up but he was not available. So I won the pleasure of Her company again and the two of us stayed up drinking wine and chatting until 2.30 in the morning. We had a great time, and agreed a number of changes in our relationship:-

• Mistress has now changed the security code on Her phone. I am not allowed to ask to see the ‘phone or, of course, her conversations with David.

• I am never to suggest that Mistress invite David here or seek to involve myself in their relationship in any way. They are meeting for their pleasure not mine.

• Mistress will (in Her own words) fuck whoever She wants, wherever She wants, whenever She wants for as long as She wants and I will support Her, not comment on the matter.

For now Mistress has decided to build on the wanking theme. On Saturday night when we went to bed She told me that She had wanked during the day (Her lesbian porn from Literotica again…) and did not want any sexual advances from me. She told me to wank so that I sleep. I invited Her to do it for me but She declined and watched as I wanked a huge cum over my belly and then wiped it up before falling asleep in Her arms.

I am grateful to Mistress for the clarity this brings to my life, and for the pleasure of Her company and love.

It's me tonight - Hooray!

Mistress suggested that we get a baby sitter in for the night, and I go to town and join Her for drinks and a dance after the girls have eaten…. So lucky me – I get to enjoy Her company tonight, not David. I’m very pleased to be the one with Her, though I hope and expect that She will follow up with David another time.

I wonder what will happen if he does make contact this evening…

Girls night out

Mistress is going out for a girls night out to celebrate someone’s birthday today (Friday). They are going to dinner at a local restaurant.

I suggested to Her that She might contact David during the day to see if he wanted to meet up with her after.

She replied that She does not like the insecurities that have developed in me since She started seeing David. She said we spend too long agonising over things and She does not like that.

She is right – my insecurities are difficult to bear, and do seem to result in internal struggles within me, and then external struggles with Her – which are trying on us both.

She is therefore considering whether or not to carry on seeing him.

I have said I will respect her decision, and confirmed that I think an invitation from her to him would help enamour him to Her, but left the decision up to Her.

I hope She chooses to text, meet up and screw him.

I hope She chooses to stop seeing him, and instead chooses to work on our relationship.

I hope She arranges to meet him and bring him back here so they can dominate and humiliate me together – I have still not had the opportunity to lick him clean after he has cum in Her.

New kid on the block?

On Friday night when Mistress got back from David’s She was so excited. Her main news of the evening had nothing to do with David, but a junior guy called Chris from the office.

She told me they were dancing at a rowdy, popular local nightspot when this young guy (‘boy’ She called him) who reports to Her at work hit on Her. He did some dirty dancing including rubbing his erection against Her, which She felt and did not repel, and he said to Her ‘You can boss me about! You can tell me what to do any time!’

She loved this. ‘All you guys just want to be domminated!’ she said to me, ‘You are all the same!’

I’ve been trying to persuade Her of this for the last 5 years or so – but not until She finally worked it out for Herself last Friday did She ever believe it – now it appears She does.

She claims this guy is ‘way too young’ for Her, and She’ll ‘never’ shag him.

I say watch this space – he’s going to fall soon! I bet She’ll have him.

This guy has already had a huge influence on Her. When telling me I should be grateful that She gave me the opportunity to suck David’s spoof from Her arse She told me that both he and Chris would give anything to swap places with me.

She’s right, and She knows She is right.

I think this marks a turning point in our relationship. Certainly this is the first time She’s done anything like this and then tried to sleep without making me cum first.

Stocktake

When Mistress came back from David’s house at 2am Friday She was tired and ready to sleep.

She kindly lay down and let me lick his cum out of Her arse before finally going to the bathroom to get ready for bed. I licked deep with my tongue and sucked out all I could. It was a strange sensation! Her arse which is usually so tight even on my tongue was enlarged and loose from his cock, and I was able to get my tongue in as deep as it could go, with no resistance at all.

I begged for the opportunity to put my cock in Her arse as well, but She denied me this, telling me that my cock was too big, and She did not want it in Her arse.

Eventually She pulled away from my ministrations and went to the bathroom to get ready, returning to bed to sleep.

Of course I was horny, and rubbing my cock into Her but cheeks as She tried to sleep. She would not accept my advances and eventually agreed that I could wank to get rid of my horn so that I could sleep.

I persuaded Her to let me wank onto Her tits if I would then lick it off, to which She kindly agreed and rolled over to let me cum groaning onto Her gorgeous breasts. Incredibly frustrated that that is all I got. But as She said, I was the lucky one who got to lick his cum out of Her arse, I should be grateful.

I had no further sexual contact until Mistress kindly had me eat Her to orgasm on Monday mid day. But then Monday night Mistress kindly allowed me to penetrate Her pussy which I did mounting Her from behind.

As I eased into Her she groaned that my cock was so big! (and She says She doesn’t compare us! She was obviously saying it was big – and uncomfortably so – relative to David’s).

I was as gentle as possible – I don’t want a complete ban! I eased it in, and in no time at call came inside Her - such a delight, but so short lived – I just can’t last when She let’s me in! No wonder She likes to fuck David – that goes on for hours!

On Tuesday morning She kindly allowed me to eat Her arse before I got out of bed to make breakfast, and this morning She kindly let me eat Her pussy before we got up. I did so tenderly, trusting my finger deep into Her tight pussy as I ate Her, feeling that the full pentration of my finger was probably closer to the feeling of his cock than my large dick would be, and therefore comfortable that She would enjoy it which She did.

So since He used all 3 holes I have been lucky enough to eat Mistress’ pussy and arse twice each, and got to cum in Her. I guess I am the lucky one – in the weirdest, weirdest way.

Last night I told Her of my insecurities and we discussed it. She was very upset and cried about it – She questioned why then we were continuing with David. I noticed though that She did not offer to stop seeing him.

Today I sent a bunch of flowers to Her office – She was delighted! That was a good move. I wonder whether She’ll let me cum tonight as a reward for that…

Confidence

You say that you always liked my confidence, and that you want me to retain that. You “can’t bear” the uncertainty that has come over me since David.

I think about this a lot. Things you “can’t bear” are dangerous things because we are happily married and I want to stay that way.

The fact that You enjoy seeing him (screwing him) so much, and that when You do You fuck with him in a manner that You choose not do with me is just too humiliating and frightening for me to retain my old confidence towards You.

I do not feel at all confident. I feel the opposite. I feel tiny, humiliated and terrified of my own inadequacy. Lucky, proud and privileged to be Your submissive, but tiny, humiliated and terrified nonetheless.

I am terrified of loosing You – not to him, but loosing You per se: If I was not so submissive towards You then I would be giving You what he does, as I once did. But I am submissive towards You and so I am not giving You those things.

If you don’t like the humiliated me, then I’ll need You to help build my confidence back – by showing me that I deserve it – by You choosing to stop screwing him, and instead choosing to do those things with me.

Or, You decide You are actually happy to live with this humiliated shadow of the man I once was, that You can “bear it”, and so we continue down this path we are on.

I choose to submit to You on the matter. Whilst grossly humiliated and humbled, I am fulfilled as Your submissive – I am happy that it is more than I deserve, and that I am privileged to hold that position.

But for You to ask or demand that I remain confident in the light of this extreme humiliation just can’t be. I can’t feel confident. The constant pain of the humiliation won’t allow it.

I find it interesting that You don’t like to cane me, because it causes me pain. The pain of the cane is nothing compared to the pain of the humiliation.

Choices

I explain to Mistress that I am humiliated, disappointed, sad and excited that David had Her in all 3 holes, a thing I have not done for so long I can’t remember. A thing I wished would happen until now it has happened.

Why can’t I have Her in all 3 holes? After all, She is married to me and loves me.

I put this to Her: The reason She is doing this, and telling me about it, is because She is throwing down the gauntlet. She wants me to stop talking wimpy FemDom shit and rise to the occasion, start to once again give Her the sex She wants and deserves.

“No way!” She said. “Definitely not! I like things just as they are and do not want to change them. I want you humiliated and submissive and serving me better as a result of it.”

But She also says She wants me “confident” – not insecure or unsure of myself. She wants me confident in my submission to Her.

I ask you: How can you be confident in your cuckold submission? When another guy is getting all 3 holes in one night, and you are grateful to be allowed to wank? I don’t think you can be confident in that.

So She makes me an offer: I can switch for a week – I can dominate Her and have Her any way I want, and I can see how I like it. Then, at the end of the week She will agree to live however I choose. Anything, She says, to ensure I am confident about the lifestyle we lead.

As She pointed out, when I used to dom Her She still screwed other guys, and She could continue to screw David while living sub to me – if that’s what I want.

But the thing is this: I don’t WANT her to live submissive to me. I don’t WANT to switch. What I want to do is live the way She chooses for us to live – and She chooses to maintain what we have right now – with me serving Her.

But I want all 3 holes… I want Her to drop down in front of me and suck my cock into Her mouth…

But I genuinely feel that I do not deserve that, and that I am better, more correctly placed as Her submissive, only getting such sex as She explicitly grants me – even if that is just wanking rights every now and again.

My goodness I’m confused. But I’m not confused. I’m clear. I want to serve Her.

Eating...

Well I was wrong on a few counts.

Mistress sorted out the shopping then went up to shower, asking me to get Her lunch together. We always have a bean mixture of we are both home for lunch (and I always prepare it – She used to, but not any more).

As I’m mixing the food Mistress calls me to come upstairs, and I wonder what She has in mind. I find her naked in the dressing room, carrying some porn that She loves (www.literotica.com - she likes (loves!) the favourites from the lesbian category).

She’s as clean as a whistle, and tells me that I’m going to eat Her nice, clean pussy, and She lies down on bed and gets into the porn. I go down on Her and do my best. (http://www.asstr.org/files/FAQs_and_Information/How_to_Eat_a_Pussy.txt)

She gets fairly wet as I work Her – the lesbian porn always does that – but I like to think I help, and in due course She drops the porn and grasps my head firmly into Her pussy as She shudders to orgasm. I slow down and gently lick Her clean and dry as She sighs in contentment.

“Time for work” She tells me – “Go down and make my lunch.” So I do.

She comes down and settles at Her desk with Her files and papers. I finish preparing the lunch and serve Her at Her desk. Lunch and tea. She works while I serve.

I then prepare my own lunch, kiss Her goodbye, and come back to my room to work and eat.

Well, I guess She’s had the sex She wants, and the pleasure She chose for me was the privilege of eating Her – and I was privileged.

I can’t complain – there is no uncertainty there – She’s just done, and had me do, just what She wanted, and She chose me to do it.

The expectation gap

Mistress is on Her way back from the gym. It is a public holiday here today, and my mum has taken the kids for the day so that Mistress and I can work at home – we’ve both got a lot to do.

But whenever we have the house to ourselves like this (which is very rare) my mind goes to what She might do to me or with me if She chose to dominate and or humiliate and/or use me as Her sex slave or object in some way – any way She chooses.

I hope that when She walks in sweaty from the gym She might ask me to lick her sweaty cunt for Her. Or She might tie me up and thrash me, cutting my arse ‘till it bleeds – perhaps because I wanked without permission, or perhaps because She wants to…

If She wants or chooses to do either of those things, or anything else, then I feel justified and vilified. The humiliation of Her taking another more robust lover becomes justified.

But herein is the real problem: These fantasies of what She might do to me are all in my head – She is coming back to work – not to use me as a sex slave. She has not got the time to use me as a sex slave – even when the one opportunity that She might do so presents itself. (There is no kidding myself on this scrore – ‘not got the time’ = ‘not got the inclination – because She has always got the time to go and fuck him, any time, at the drop of a hat – this one aspect is the most humiliating reality of everything that is going on in my life right now).

So at the end of the day I will be depressed – “She could have done this or that to me” I will be thinking, “but She did not choose to. She chose to work” – which was always the plan for the day.

She should, of course, choose what She wants to choose – it is not up to me to ‘make’ Her do anything to me, nor to ask nor suggest it. But the fact that She does not choose to do anything to me cuts me up. It leaves me terrified and scared – She is getting all She wants from him and genuinely has less or no need for me and my pathetic fantasies.

She’s home now. I’ll go and help with the shopping.

David gets some

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Now You see him, now You don't...

Throughout this relationship David has always said that Mistress ‘touches him deep inside’, ‘does things other people don’t do’, he ‘would marry her in a second if he got the chance’. But he has a girlfriend that he wants to have babies with, and She (Mistress) is already married.

I could see that he was in a bit of a spot. Mistress ran (and I mean ran!) to see him at the drop of a hat – any time of day or night, to meet up for a drink or for a 4 hour sex session, and She’s great fun to party with, so if course the guys is going to fall for Her. But then he sees me in the background and what does he think?

So he said to her he does not like being ‘second’ to me - he’s not used to being second.

So eventually he sends her this text: He’s thought long and hard about it, it’s been great fun and GREAT sex, but he’s decided to give it a go with his girlfriend, so regretfully, he will not be making contact with Her again.

Mistress replies telling him it has indeed been great fun, and She understands his desire to make a go of it with his girlfriend, so goodbye and good luck. That was two weeks ago.

Excuse me for being a cynic, but I said that in my opinion, it would just be a matter of time…

Tonight Mistress is out for another office do – one of the girls is leaving. We talked about it and I said David might be there (they originally met at one of her office drink ups – he used to work there).

Apparently he’s not there tonight, but what do you know? He’s just texted Her to say Hi! Surprise surprise – he’s back on the scene.

Just before he pulled out of it all, he started to ask Mistress to Sissify and dom him, and he started wanting to eat Her pussy (and arse) all the time. She told me this did nothing for Her – She already has me doing that for Her all the time – what She needs from him is real man sex (my words, not Hers!). So, She said to me, She was actually glad to see the back of him!

But then ten minutes ago She texts me to say She’d feeling naughty and She wants to text him! Go figure! Then he texts Her anyway!

I’ve been here before with those two – it’s 11 o’clock at night, he’s feeling horny, and She’s feeling naughty – it’ll be 5am before She’s home tonight – and I’m getting up at 5:15 for an early round of golf! I’m not going to wait up – I’m going to have to start to sleep (if I can!) and then hear about it later!

Looks like the late night sex sessions are back! Am I happy, worried, jealous or glad?

The fact of the matter is that I have not screwed Her properly, as he has done, for years, though I want to – I can’t just ask for it and do it – I feel too submissive. And now I can’t even look at a banana without thinking of the fact She loves it when he uses fruit on Her – I’m fucked if She sees him, and fucked if She does not!

This morning I had a secret wank! I’ve not had a wank for years! I was feeling horny thinking about how wild the sex is She has with him, and the fact that She does not do that with me – mad me sad and horny! So what the fuck – I wanked – it was great – nice big cum of self gratification!

I didn’t tell Her – I should do really – I’ll tell Her some time this weekend.

She makes me cum

Last night we were laying together in the lounge watching TV and my cock was hard and horny. Mistress had been texting Her new boyfriend to try and set up a date for him to come out with us and then come home one night when the kids are away for a sleep over. She said She would get me to lick them clean when they were finished.

Mistress saw my hard on and wanked me, saying She wanted to get some sleep in bed that night – so She wanked my until I came – huge quantities of cream spilling all over my shirt – HUGE quantities.

I was so grateful – I still am.

But She never just wanks him. Him She sucks and fucks before She wanks – and usually for 2-3 hours before he cums.

So while I am very grateful for the sex She gives me, I am thoroughly humiliated by the sex that She gives him.

She tells me She never compares us, never thinks ‘this for this one’ and ‘the other for the other one’ – says that never crosses Her mind. It certainly crosses my mind!

Why am I so fucked up?

For years I asked You to get a boyfriend – someone You enjoyed shagging that you could have real fun with and just fuck whenever either of you want.

Then You found one – You were attracted to him, and You nabbed him and started to shag him, and You loved it.

I was so happy for You – this was my dream/our dream come true, and You enjoyed it so much, it was wonderful.

You even let me eat his cum out of Your pussy, You are so hot and kind.

But then what happened?

A few things happened

You told him about me/Us. He accepted that and was excited about the prospect of participating with us. You told me this.

After that, You went ahead to meet with him again. But now things were different – the two of You had said that I could play. So why, if I could play, and the sex with him was so wild and so much fun, would You want to go off with him alone rather than with me? And not just that, but for 4 hour long sessions? I wanted to play too.

So I became jealous. You’d fixed it so I could play, and I wanted to play. In my childish selfishness and jealousy I could not understand how/why You could even want to continue to play without me – even though this is what I’d asked You to do for years.

I am a selfish fucker. I moved the goalposts on your when I saw personal benefit for me, and a dilution of benefit for you to incorporate me.

I am sorry. I should not have done that. I was very unfair of me.

The question we face now is: Given all this, and my jealousy, can You go on seeing him? Can we deal with that?

The answer should be Yes: I always said I wanted it – and when You had it, I loved it for You and encouraged You to go and meet him – so what’s changed now?

What’s changed now is that I have a childish, selfish desire to join your play in the sandpit. That’s got to be wrong. It’s your sandpit – I made it for you and it’s not mine to take away.

So what I should do is step back: Get with the programme. This is Your boyfriend, Your sex, Your fun time. My roll in it all is to revel in Your enjoyment and be here for You when You get back.

And if you ever get me to participate (which You have already done once you kind and loving thing!) then I should be grateful that You are so kind to me – and not demanding of any right that I don’t have to move the goalposts on Your sexual pleasure.

I have been very selfish and self centred. I should be happy for You that You have done so well. The fact that You have even iced the cake by blowing me while he fucked Your arse beggars belief at how lucky I am, and how shameful my jealousy is.

If I were half the man I’d like to think I am, I’d apologise shamefully and give You back Your freedom.

Go with Option 1: Carry on having fun with him. Love it!

WTF

She left in the cab at 11pm. It's 1:45 am now. He lives 10 minutes away. WTF. She arrived there at 11 pm. WTF have they been doing since then - for 2 hours 45 minutes? you can't sustain a hard on for that long - well I can't - and maybe therein we have the problem?

How do I end this? If I tell Her I can't cope She'll probably stop seeing him - maybe. But how do we move forward from that? The questions will be constant - why did I lead Her into this etc.

I tell you, I can't hack it. It hurts too much.

My tears have wet this page

Look, I don’t want to be a missionary. I’m no evangelist, but dudes, I’ve climbed the mountain. Well actually, I haven’t, but I’m doing so now. I want all of you to think about it before you embark on this journey, because it hurts like fuck.

For the last 5 years I’ve begged my Mistress to find a boy friend. About 15 years ago, I used to make her dress up in short skirts with no knickers, and then fuck her all over the place. Yum-mee! Deeeeliscious!

But then I became ‘submissive’ and stopped asking for it. Instead I begged and grovelled, and because I knew She liked a more dominant man and more dominant sex, I suggested she get a boyfriend.

“Get a guy who will really shag You’, I said, ‘Not a wimp like me’.

Now She’s done that. And She’s just got dressed in a short dress with no knickers and gone off to meet him, carrying cuffs for him to tie her up, nipple clamps I used to use on her, and lube for him to fuck her in the arse. And if you think I’m kidding then dude, I’m not.

I can’t even blog about it. I begged her not to go, but she said ‘fuck you’ – ‘for years you asked me to do this, now I’m doing it, and enjoying it, and you want to fuck it up – bollocks!’

So she went. But first, at 10:50 at night, she showered, redid her make up, got dolled up and then went. Holy shit. Looking absolutely wonderful.

My fucking goodness.

This shit is heavy. I think I’m gonna ask Her to please relent – I just can’t cope – I thought I could, but fuck! I fucking can’t - I want Her as mine!

It is personal (to Her)

Mistress tells me he’s sent Her loads of texts today – goodness know how many. She didn’t tell me immediately he sent texts – only after he had sent ‘loads’ of them.

That’s the hardest thing about being cuckolded – simply not knowing anything unless She has the grace and generosity to tell me.

For all I know he could have been texting Her since lunch time, but She only decided to tell me now. Maybe he’s texted Her since, and they’ve arranged a rendezvous, and She’s not even told me yet – She could turn up at 8.30 this evening with the lingering taste of his spunk on Her lips, and then tell me whatever She chooses… or meet with him and not tell me anything.

I am only part of it if, when and on the terms She chooses....

HE is feeling horny...

Mistress is at work. She tells me her new boyfriend is feeling horny and texting Her suggestively. She says She might meet him this evening on the way home just to wank or blow him and empty his balls.

I wish I could text Her and get Her to empty my balls in a car park down town. Why can’t I? I always used to do things like that when we first met – why not now?

But like She says, She “would not be comfortable going back to that with me”.

Careful what you wish for, guys. You might get it, and struggle to live with it. ...

Roosting chickens

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Insecurities

My insecurities are not caused by David.

They are caused by finding out that you like having his cock shoved down your throat and you like him using a banana on you - and fearing that you miss having had those things with me.

Have I made a huge mistake in bringing us here?

If....

If you told me that you love our FemDom relationship exactly as it is, and don't want it to change - you want us to carry on with it and move deeper into FemDom, then I'd believe that's what you want, and I'd have no problems - my insecurities would be covered.

My fear is that you won't say this - ergo my insecurities must be justified - you want something else.

OK! 'I want'...

If I had my choice, then Iwant you to:-

(1) Tell me that you are happy with me being submissive = you are happy with our sex life, you don't want me to change, and you want to move on with our LFA lifestyle, and

(2) enjoy carrying on seeing David.

"If I were David"

This morning in bed when I said that “if I were David” I would shove my cock in your mouth or wank over you, it actually had nothing to do with David the guy – and had everything to do with me.

What I meant was this:

Now that we live a FemDom life, I would be embarrassed to just start wanking my morning hard on over you, and certainly would not try to stuff it in your mouth. I would of course be happy – delighted - to do either of these things if you encouraged or allowed me to, but I would be very wary of suggesting them to you, because I don’t feel it is my place to trouble you with my sexual urges. You can tell my cock is hard, and you can choose whether to do anything about it or not, and if you choose to do something about it, you can choose what to do….(it was wow! when you chose to hold it in bed this morning ;) thank you!)

So what I meant by ‘if I were David’ could better be restated as this: “If I were a real man, confident about my sexual relationship with you, then I would take this big, hard cock I have here and either wank it over your tits right now, or stuff it down your throat. But I am not a real man. I am a weak submissive that fears and respects his love for you too much to just do that to you.”

So to interpret this as an issue I have with David personally, or your relationship with him personally, is wrong – the problem I have is with myself and my own inadequacy in not pushing my sexual advances onto you.

Mixed signals

I’m getting mixed signals here, and so I am confused.

Last night when you came to bed I explained to you that while you were out the room I had been wanking. I explained that as I heard you return I stopped and covered myself up, because as your submissive I would be embarrassed to just wank in front of you.

I asked you if you minded this and were happy with it, - do you prefer me to suppress my wanking in front of you as I had done, or would you rather I was open and explicit about it – wanking in front of you.

Your reply was unequivocal. There was no hesitation: You said you prefer the submissive behaviour and I certainly should not wank in front of you.

I was immediately grateful for your guidance, and so happy that I had chosen the correct course of action – which I thought was correct too.

But, there is an area where I am really confused about this – and it is this confusion that scares me – I think it is this confusion that scares me more than your relationship with David: If I might explain:

Years ago when we met I would have wanked over you or cum in your mouth when I had a hard on like the one I had this morning. Now I no longer do that, unless you ask me to, or permit it on those rare occasions I might as for permission to do such a thing.

Yet when you meet David [read any other guy you might choose to meet – right now – and for the first time ever – it is him so I’ll use his name], he does do those sorts of things to you (and that’s great – I don’t begrudge you those things at all – you are a sexy goddess and you deserve them).

My fear and confusion is not about David personally – my fear is about me and the fact I don’t do those things to you the way I used to. Now that you’ve found someone who does, what I want to do is seek confirmation that you are happy with that state of affairs:-

A. Are you happy with me as a submissive who does not do these things to you? Or

B. Would you prefer it if I reverted to a more equal (or even more dominant?) sexual partner?

The reason I ask this question is fundamental to my current uncertainty: If you are happy with me as a submissive, and love and prefer me like that, then we don’t have a problem – my behaviour is making you happy and so I am happy, because I want to make you happy.

But if you are not happy with me as a submissive, and you would actually prefer a more equal or aggressive (not necessarily “dominant” but more equal than submissive – or dominant if you want) then this is fine – I LOVED living a slightly dominant life with you, and if you wanted me to live so again, then I would not question your decision and would gladly release my lust/love on to you in the morning :)

Have I made my point? That my current uncertainty requires only a clear message from you on what you want from me?

I am reluctant to push you either way – both have their + and their -. So in my reverence of you (or wimp-ass way – I guess it depends on the perspective ~ more uncertainty) I look to you for guidance – because I want to live your way. I want to make you happy.

What do I want to do?

If you don’t want to ‘impose your answer on me’ then I have failed to communicate myself to you clearly – because your desire in this respect is not and cannot be an ‘imposition’.

But anyway, if you don’t want to impose your answer on me, and you want to know what I think, then it is this:

I love and worship you, so much so that I elevate you and so submit to you – I am happiest living in loving submission to you – that is what I want, but only if it is what you want.

If you want something else, then I smile - because you want me!. So I smile first, and then I put my reverence and submission to you to one side, next to me, where you will see it only in my love and respect for you, and then I say ‘Great! Let’s work on this other thing you want.’

This morning’s fantasy

I had a fantasy this morning. David came to visit you at home for the first time.

Before he got here you had had a shower and we chatted in the bathroom and dressing room while you/we chose your wardrobe as we so often do – discussing what he might like and how you wanted to look. As usual, you looked absolutely stunning by the time you were ready.

When David rang the bell at the gate you locked me safely away in my study where I started to work on my computer, and I heard your muted voices as you welcomed him in (there must have been a lingering kiss, but I could not see you, and of course did not hear it…. though there was a rather long period of silence after your initial greeting – that must have been a kiss. Was he grabbing you gorgeous ass as he kissed you?) and I heard the two of you moving into the kitchen.

The muffled sound of your chatting and tinkling laughter as you flirted and worked him drifted through to me and all I could hear was the general exchange, peppered by the occasional laugh. I could not hear what the two of you were saying. I could well imagine the beauty of your face as you smiled and laughed with him. What a creation.

You came through to the dining room – and of course I could and did see you (looking so good!) as you walked in and soon back out again, carrying a bottle of red with you (I really should have got that ready for you before he arrived – sorry). You did not pause to acknowledge me, but took the wine through to the kitchen.

You carried on chatting, and I started to work. The two of you might be at it for hours – your current average is no less than 3 hours of sex at any one time - and that’s midnight sex, so I needed to get on with something to keep me busy, and I did.

Then I hear the door from the kitchen open – my ears pricked at the sound of movement as I wondered what you were up to.

You took the few paces to my study door and tapped on it.

“Hello you!” you said. “Put on your blindfold and stand in front of the door”. He had obviously decided he wanted to see me.

You waited smiling and watched as I obeyed you. My last thought as darkness engulfed me was how damn hot you looked in those trousers, and how lucky he was that he was going to fuck the living daylights out of you – and how lucky I was that afterwards you would fall asleep in my arms. Anyway, I watched the curve of your arse disappear as I put on the blind fold, and I stood there waiting to be inspected by your new lover.

When I was done I heard you walking away, and calling to him - I could hear your words through the door now that we were closer, and then the sound of two pairs of feet, one slightly heavier, as you brought him to see me through the glass door.

He talked quietly to you – just above a whisper – clearly not wanting me to hear what he said, and you spoke quietly back – yours a little more than a whisper – you had no need to maintain silence – this is your domain.

You giggled again in your electrifying way, and I envied the smile he must have been seeing on your face. You talked some more, and then tapped the glass.

‘Play with your cock! Make it hard for us” you said, and I reached down and took my limp dick in my hand and gently started to wank it. My god, the embarrassment of him watching me do that. I wasn’t at all sure it would get hard!

Of course it did, and I continued to rub the monster slightly more enthusiastically now that it was hard. I heard the two of you talking as I did so. There was the sound of what seemed to me to be the two of you touching, a cuddle I guessed, and silent slobber of a kiss, then a giggle and some murmuring. I continued to wank.

“Stop now!” you said. “We don’t want you cumming. Just stand there, and stay hard”. I did while the two of you mingled and talked softly outside. There was whispering, and the sound of movement – the two of you obviously weren’t just standing there.

[What happened next?]

Ouch!

Mistress was kind and generous and did not hit me as hard as She could. So I managed to cry real tears. But my cock did not get hard, and my arse is still smarting an hour later.

20 minute wait

Mistress is taking a lunch time snooze in front of the telly after a workout at the gym. I am to wake Her in another 20 minutes when She is rested so She can take me upstairs for the 15 strokes of the cane I have earned this week.

5 are a punishment for not immediately taking the clean clothes upstairs, and ten are for failing to do 5 things exclusively to make Her happy last Thursday.

She seems rather enthusiastically back into FemDom right now. Last night She had me eat Her to orgasm and I got nothing, and this morning I ate Her arse clean and again got nothing.
My cock is twitching with excitement and fear, but it can’t even get hard properly, because 15 is going to be fearsome.

2009 - The year of the cane?

Followers of my blog will know that year 2008 marked the first year in 4 that Mistress chose not to cane me. For Her own reasons – we were living Her way, and Her choice was not to cane me.

2009 is a new year. She has just sent me the attached text from the gym – as you can see She is planning to give me 10 hard ones today.

I wonder, is this a one off, or has She decided that in fact she was better off with the cane and wants it back…

I suspect She will have me eat Her sweaty pussy before She showers too – and I should thing myself privileged to be allowed to lick it, sweaty or not!

My cock is rock hard with fear again. I’m not sure if I want a strict year or not, but damn I’m hard worrying about it!

Touching me

Increasingly these days, particularly in the absence of any overtly FemDom activity on Mistresses part, I feel that my/our pretence at a FemDom relationship should end. Yesterday evening was a classic case in part where Mistress said something really dumb which we were watching telly and I got really pissed off and angry, thinking to myself ‘thank goodness our FemDom is over, because I would really struggle submitting to that degree of stupidity’.

But then this morning as we are lying in bed, She rolls over towards me, reaches down with Her hand, takes hold of my cock and balls and pulls them, resting Her leg on them and snuggling back to snooze.

Wow! I was electrified. She’s not touched my cock for weeks – what was She going to do? Wank me off, play with me a little? I lay there tense, waiting, but She did nothing else. Just lay there with her delicate leg resting on my hard cock.

Eventually I realised She had no plans to play with me again and decided I may as well get out of bed.

Before I did I asked if She would like me to lick Her arse, figuring that if I sucked and stuck my tongue right up Her arse it would partially compensate for my loosing my temper yesterday, and certainly confirm my submission to Her anyway.

To my delight She agreed and I turned down on Her, eased her gorgeous but-cheeks apart and licked at Her with my tongue before pushing it in and around as deep as it could go, licking and sucking at Her arse.

I can imagine how pleasant this must feel, and She has confirmed to me how much She likes the physical pleasure of this, as well as the extreme humiliation and submission inherent in my doing it.

As my tongue probed I found myself wishing She would come home and thrash me for my poor behaviour yesterday, but I’m sure She won’t, and I am not going to suggest it, or any other domination activities, to Her.

Is it all in my mind?

I wonder if Mistress has abandoned the idea of FemDom altogether, and that I am the only one living under this illusion? I don’t think so, but the FemDom is very overt. She has not punished me or threatened to, and does not appear about to.

On the other hand, She did a wash today while I was out, then took the clothes out and left them there telling me to hang them up. And She has not touched my dick since I last blogged about it – so there is something going on, but I don’t understand it.

No matter, I still do my best to serve and will continue to do so. I am not going to push Her into anything.

It is the start of a new month, so I shall be off to get Elise Sutton’s latest update. I usually enjoy most of thatJ

Drought

Mistress has not chosen to actually cane me yet – perhaps She never will?? I don’t talk to Her about it – in fact I never raise FemDom issues, because I want all or any direction in that respect to come from Her.

She obviously still feels She is in a Dom relationship, because She has not touched my cock for nearly as long as I can remember, and many years ago She would not go 24 hours without grabbing or fucking it somehow.

As it is I can’t remember when I last came :(

-

Just as She is Domming me day to day – telling me what to do, not touching my cock – ignoring it in fact – issuing instructions, so too do I submit to her – in particular, although I touch her gently with my hard-on every morning – just enough for me to gain a little, modest pleasure, and for Her to know I find Her desireable - I still do not dry hump Her because I don’t want to be offered canes in exchange for an orgasm…

All is well

All is well on this submissive’s front. The holidays were great, but are over and the kids back to school, and live has returned to ‘normal’.

We all took the kids to school on their first morning back, and then Mistress dropped me off at home on Her way to work. It was the first time we were on the compound alone for months and I was trembling with fear that She might cane me, that being the first opportunity She has had since sentencing me.

In the build up to that date I had been extra submissive, pleasant and subservient, offering to lick Her pussy or arse every morning, without pushing to do so, and not thrusting my cock into Her in the mornings like I used to – I’ve worked out that when I do this She let’s me fuck Her and then sentences me to strokes for being allowed to cum in Her. So I just touch Her gently with my hard on, I don’t ‘dry-hump’ Her leg any more.

Anyway, all my submission paid off and She did not choose to cane me, and has not done so yet, though She has ordered me down on Her a number of times and not given me any stimulation myself, so She is in a dominant mood of sorts – She certainly instructs me plenty.

So all is well. I continue to submit (most of the time) to try and ensure I don’t give Her any reason to lay into me.

I’ll keep you posted…

"Not submissive enough"

Yesterday morning Mistress defined some new standards. As She lay on the floor doing her early morning Pilates She pointed out a couple of incidents of unacceptable behaviour, where She felt that I had made no effort to be submissive or provide service, and asked how I reconciled those with my recent letter.

On one occasion I had argued with Her (in front of my mum) about whether or not I was putting things on the shopping list. As I later confessed to Her, I argued with Her (which is no excuse) because I was trying to defent myself against any punishment She might award me if She concluded I was in the wrong.

On another occasion She had driven home with shopping in the car, and I had not gone to the car to offer to carry it in.

She said this sort of behaviour was not acceptable, and that She should not have to argue with me about anything, nor tell me when and how to serve Her. I should use my initiative in both those areas to make Her life easy – not create work for Her telling me what to do.

Phew! That’s a tricky one! I agree with Her whole heartedly, thanked Her for guiding me in this way, and promised to try harder.

Things could get tricky, but much better for us, if She starts punishing me for ‘not being submissive enough’, or ‘not serving well enough’, which is the only level at which She is going to succeed in influencing this sort of change, if that’s what She chooses to do.

I am awed that so soon following the letter Her fundamental criticism is so basic. Not submissive enough’ is a pretty powerful condemnation.

I hope I succeed in adjusting to an acceptable level. I am already working towards that.

Punishment award

Last night we were watching a re-run of Trading Places. Mistress chose it, but I was very happy to watch it as I’ve always liked the movie and was enjoying it.

But for some reason She got it into Her head that I did not want to watch – even though I told Her many times that I was happy to watch and was enjoying it.

When I got tired, at about 11.30 or so, I declared my intention to go to bed, and She said that was ‘proof’ that I was not enjoying it.

I got rather cross and told her not to be so fucking stupid – I told Her I was happy to watch it then I’m happy to watch it. How the fuck can She tell me whether or not I am happy to watch a movie. Jeez!

She was not very pleased. This morning She told me to mark ten strokes in my book for being rude to Her. In future, She says, if I want to differ with Her I must do so politely, and say ‘Please can explain how I feel’. Wow.

I asked if She wanted to warn me this time, or actually punish me, and She said She would cane me for it. I reached to my bedside cupboard for the book and wrote it in.

I wished for simplicity. I’ve got it.

More for more...

This morning Mistress told me to go down on Her without me offering. Once She had cum She told me to put it in, in exchange for 5 strokes.

I came deep in Her, but She did not tell me to write the strokes down, so I won’t do so, and hopefully She will forget…

Tenterhooks

I have been walking on ice ever since giving Mistress the letter. She has not said anything more about it, but I have this pregnant expectation that something will happen as a result of it. I’m not saying something should happen – because that is of course Her choice, but I feel as if it will.

Before I gave Her the letter She said She would re-introduce the cane to our relationship. What will She do after the letter? Change Her mind?

Her sister-in-law is visiting us at the moment, and the kids are on school holiday so there has really been no opportunity for Her to have caned me since She decided to, nor since I gave Her the letter.

I am carefully resisting the temptation to share my dark, submissive fantasies. Partly because I don’t want an immediate and sore arse, but mostly because I feel it would be wrong to do so – the letter was designed to surrender to Her Way, not to suggest mine.

Sunday night in Bed She had me play with Her with my fingers rather than eat Her. She gets so many blow jobs She has had enough of them! Lucky girl! So I fingered Her delicately for some time before She told me to put it in.

When I did, I was careful not to thrust too hard, so as to be able to keep going for as long as possible, but almost immediately, with no stimulation at all, while I lay still deep inside Her, I came spontaneously and copiously – without permission.

She made no comment, and had me continue to finger Her to orgasm afterwards.

One of the fantasies that plagues me since the letter is as follows:

She tells me to put it in Her at night. She tells me to come in exchange for ten hard strokes. I cry tears of fear and pain as I cum deep inside Her, fearful of the impending strokes. She cuddle s me close as I cry after cuming, and tells me not to cry, because it’s only a few strokes. As I lie in Her embrace and stop crying She tells me She will give me two extra strokes as a reward for stopping crying.

Why the letter, and what’s the impact?

I gave Mistress the letter to read in bed on Saturday morning, while I was downstairs making Her tea.

I had taken a while to write it on the Friday afternoon, and I read and re-read it a few times making a few changes before I felt it was presentable. Mostly the changes were to make sure that I was not grovelling or begging for ‘lashings’ of domination.

I was never truly happy that I achieved that – but when I took those sections out, and was just left with the ‘Your Way’ and ‘Not the man You married’ sections, I did not feel that it communicated my true thoughts well enough, so I sent it as you now read it below.

I wanted to achieve three things:-

· Make sure She did not feel that I thought She should be caning me – because I want this only to be Her decision and not something I’ve asked for.

· Make sure She new that I would gladly submit to Her if She did choose to cane me.

· Pledge my commitment to living Her way.

Presenting the letter

I wanted to make sure the letter had no ‘sting’ in it, so handed it to Her and said “I am confused. And I have some things I’d like to to say to you, so I have written them in a letter. I am not sure if it’s the right thing to do, but here you are.”

Then I went down to make the tea.

20 minutes later I was back with the tea, and as She sipped it She thanked me for the letter, and said that She had read it twice, and that it did provide clarity on a few things She had been thinking, and that it was good. I thanked Her.

I lay there worrying about the rather submissive work I had become, and eventually muscled up the guts to ask Her is She was happy to be with the submissive character I had become, and She said yes. Well, I can’t argue with that! In truth, I was quite pleased with it. That was all that came of it Saturday.

Her first overt act

Sunday afternoon the kids were amusing themselves and I was cutting wood outside when Mistress came out and told me to come up and eat Her. I gladly did, duly delivering a shuddering orgasm to Her gorgeous frame as I cupped Her lovely tits and licked Her pussy.

Once She had cum I probed deep and gentle with my tongue, to maintain the sensation while steering clear of Her now sensitive clitoris. Soon She told me to go back to my wood, and I stood by the bed.

Her first man

As I got dressed I explained to Her what I had been thinking about while I ate Her.

A couple of days ago we had been chatting with Her sister who is visiting, about her kids loosing their virginity. This is a topic I never contribute much to, and have never really opened up to Mistress about my own verginity. But following on from the letter I felt a connection which I explained to Her as I stood by Her bed.

As I ate Her pussy, I thought of all the lucky guys She had given access to that lovely space since She first chose to do so – lucky, virile young men, with hard cocks that She had chosen to allow to fuck Her. None of whom will have eaten Her pussy as much as I now did. All of whom will have taken their way with Her by thrusting into that love passage that I now licked and tongued.
I thought of Her as the Goddess that granted them that pleasure, and they the jocks fortunate enough to be granted it.

I on the other hand lost my virginity at the age of 13 to a two-bit hooker. Right through until age 20 or so at university I only ever had sex with hookers (along with copious amounts of wanking). Never in my teens or at all in my life has any lovely virgin allowed me her cherry.

I explained to Mistress how inferior this made me feel – having had sex with hookers, never blessed with access to a lovely teen pussy such as the one She shared with men She chose to share Her with. How inferior this makes me feel. And how this is why I love to hear and marvel and the activities She got up to with the guys She chose to share Her teen body with.

I humbly explained to Her that this was one of the reasons I felt inferior to Her. She accepted my explanation quite gladly.

Before going back downstairs I asked if She would like me to lick Her arse before I went down, and She allowed me this pleasure, spreading Her behind for me to access. I licked and tongued Her before returning to my wood cutting.

Good thing to have written it down

Last night before we slept I said to Mistress that I was still worried to have dumped confirmation of my submission on Her, and asked again how She felt about it.

She said She was fine with it, and was happy that I had chosen to write my feelings down for Her to read.

This morning She kindly allowed me to lick Her arse before getting up and going to the gym.
I do keep reminding myself that the whole point of the letter was not to attract increased domination, but rather to confirm my eagerness to live Her way.

Letter to Mistress

August 2008

Dear Mistress Wife

I want to share some thoughts with you. I am confused and so to try and make it easier for you to understand my thoughts I decided to write them to you in a letter.

Your way

I am writing to You to let You know how much I love You, and to try to explain my love to You and confirm my dedication to You and most of all to confirm that I want to live ‘Your Way’.

I would like to apologise for telling You my fantasy of living in complete servitude to You. I have thought about this and now realise how wrong it was for me to impose my fantasies on You in this way. This was selfish of me.

I have since realised that of course rather than begging You to dominate me, I should have begged You to lead us to live Your way – whatever way You want – without concern for any desire of mine.

I feel that I am lucky and privileged that You choose to be with me, and I should be grateful for this – I am grateful for it - and in recognition of it I should do all I can to make Your life comfortable and happy above all else.

I know – it is obvious - that any man in the world would be madly pleased to have the pleasure of your company, and that I am not deserving of such a privilege. That is why I am so keen to live Your way.

I recognise the extreme privileges You allow me. Just the pleasure of Your company, let alone the more extreme gifts such as the opportunity to see You naked, to touch You, to sleep with You, to eat Your pussy and more, and even to rub my hard cock on You. These are the greatest privileges on earth of which I am not deserving, let alone the extreme privilege that You bestow on me to even touch my cock yourself, and even permit it to enter You. Those privileges I know I do not deserve and am so lucky to be granted.

Not the man You married

I worry because the submissive I have become is not the man You chose to marry. I worry that You chose a dominant and more selfish person, aggressive in bed and demanding of You. I worry that the submissive me is not what You want.

I now see that against this background, especially with You having chosen not to cane me this Year while living “Your way”, it was so wrong and selfish of me to express my desire for Your punishment and Your domination.

If I could turn back time then I would not be a submissive, wanting to serve You. But I cannot turn back time, so all I can do is try to make the most of what I am and what we have now.
I try to make the most of what I am and have now by begging for the opportunity to keep You close to me, and by doing anything and everything to live any way that You choose in order for us to be happy together. Even offering to try to live more as an equal if that is the way You choose.

I am shocked that I have changed from the dominant person I once was, and I can see that this is not fair on You. In my defence all I can say is that I have lived with You many years, and come to recognise in You my Goddess that I wish to exalt, to serve, and to respect.

Whilst I still have every desire to bang my cock into You as hard as possible and as often as possible, I find it disrespectful to expose let alone impose my selfish and crude desires on an angel like You. I simply do not deserve such privilege, and so I humbly defer to Your guidance in all sexual matters and beg You to lead me in ways You choose.

I have changed so much and recognise the unfairness of this change on you. I also recognise that at times you may just want an uncomplicated fuck and sex with a guy who is more dominating and aggressive in bed. While I do undertake to live however You choose, I urge You to seek out Your sexual pleasure wherever You can, and by all means find a lover or lovers who will be more aggressive towards You. I certainly would not begrudge You this, and would be even happier in my service to You to know You were choosing to get Your pleasure in this way.

So why do I beg for Your punishment?

If You choose to punish me for failing to deliver Your expectations, then You reward me by making Your way clearer to me so that I can better serve it. For this I am always most grateful.
I do hate and fear the cane, but I am so very, very grateful when you bestow Your gift of it on me. I know any man would die to serve You, so for You to actually choose to take time out to punish me rather than simply ignoring me or even allowing another man to serve You is a fortunate privilege for me indeed.

Since Your way by definition must be Your way, it cannot be influenced by any of my desires. I recognise unequivocally that I do not deserve the time or energy it takes for You to punish me. Thus any decision to do so can only be Yours and Yours alone.

So I apologise for imposing my desire for punishment on You. That was wrong. Only You should make the choice as to how we live in this respect.

Why do I beg for Your discipline and humiliation?

You could have any man You want, and when You choose to humiliate or discipline me You bestow the greatest gift of Your time and energy purely on me. So I am so grateful if You do choose to discipline or humiliate me.

When we live Your way then any decision to humiliate or discipline me can only be made by You. If You choose to discipline or humiliate me then you humble me to Your desires and Your way, and I am certainly lucky to be humbled in any manner of your choosing and certainly not deserving of such privilege.

Why do I beg You to enjoy other men?

I beg You to enjoy other men because when You choose to enjoy other men then You choose to live Your way.

There can be no greater indication of living Your way than You choosing to enjoy sex with another man (or woman) without me present or involved.

When You choose to have sex with another person, and then return to give me the privilege of Your company once again, then you bestow on me more privilege than I deserve.

I know you could have any man You choose, young or old, rich or poor, to pamper You, care for You and be with You. For You to choose to spend time with me is more privilege than I deserve.
So I beg You to enjoy other men or lovers at every opportunity and in any way that you choose. In doing so You become aware of how sexy and desirable they find You and how sexy and desirable You in fact are. Only when You appreciate how sexy and desirable all men find You can You really appreciate how privileged I am to receive any attention from You, and how subservient to You I should be.

Our recent argument

How do I reconcile all this to our recent argument?

I recognise the error and stupidity of my ways. I apologise, and I beg Your forgiveness and the opportunity to serve You better.

I offer You myself to deal with Your way, whatever that may be, in order to move us forward.
In my dumb simplicity I wish that You choose to thrash me severely after every or any argument we ever have, as a pre-condition to any forgiveness that I beg.

But this takes us full circle – back to me being selfish and begging for the simplicity of punishment. That is obviously wrong – that is the whole point of this letter. I should be able to recognise the error of my ways and improve myself without the need for You to waste Your energies punishing me. And so I do offer to work to mend my ways in any way that You guide me.

I am so sorry I have complicated our lives with my slide into submission. I hope You are still happy to live with me, and I live for Your happiness.

Lots and lots of all my love

Doomsday book

Yesterday I woke up with a rigid hard on, thrusting hard into Mistress’ oh-so-tender, naked but cheeks next to me. I put my arm around Her and cupped Her tender breasts, kneading them lovingly and gently.

Once She was awake I asked if She would like me to eat Her pussy or arse before I went to make the tea, and She had me go down on Her arse.

I licked and tongued at Her for 20 minutes, probing deeply and licking all around Her tender rose before She told me to lay back up. I did so, gently pushing my hard rod into Her tender buttocks again.

She kindly told me I could put it in, provided I did not cum, and I eagerly but gently inserted myself to Her. Hmmmm! Luxury. I pumped gently, wanting to enjoy it for as long as I could given I was not to cum.

After some time She told me I could cum in Her, in exchange for 5 strokes of the cane. I groaned, and asked Her what She wanted me to do – to control myself, or cum and receive the cane. She told me to cum and I did. Thrusting deep inside Her.

As I lay with Her, wondering if She would in fact give me the strokes, She said that She would buy me a book, into which I should record all the strokes I was due, so that She could give them to me at the next opportunity. This sounded ominous. Perhaps She was planning to actually give them to me.

Next day She told me She has bought the book.

When instructed, She says, I am to write in it ‘Dear Mistress, Please give me [insert number] strokes for [insert reason].’

After She has given the strokes She will tear out the page and give it to me to write ‘Thank You Mistress’ on the page.

She went on to say that I must do Her handwash every Friday religiously, or I would get ten strokes.

I think She is serious this time, and my arse will be bleeding again soon.

It is now over 24 hours since She told me about the book, and already my attitude towards Her has improved. I have done more chores and served Her better, just to ensure I do not get punished.

Oral servitude

Last night Mistress had me go down on Her in bed. I did and licked her to loving orgasm. As I did, She was WET. Only two things have made Her this wet in the past – one is when She has sex with another lady, and the other is when She reads lesbian porn while I eat Her. I wondered what thoughts made Her so wet while I licked at Her last night.

As we lay together after, She having decided that I would not cum, She said She had thought about being fucked by two guys at the same time (‘one each end’ as She called it) and also thought about being eaten while She was fucked. She also thought about and made the decision that I would not cum. These three things made Her that wet.

Well, I was lucky, I got to lick Her wet pussy.

She asked how I felt about Her decision that I should not cum. I replied in all honesty that I loved it not because of what the decision was, but because it gave Her pleasure to make the decision, and Her pleasure is all that matters to me.

2008

Life continues to be busy, which partially accounts for my lengthy silence.

We are now more than half way through 2008, living ‘Her Way’ as we agreed to do at the turn of the year. During that time Mistress has chosen not to actually cane me. To give me credit (!) I have not asked her to, nor suggested that She should (not until very recently anyway, but I’ll come to that in a minute).

Only twice in 2008 has She said that She is going to cane me, but She has not actually gone through with it (thank goodness for my arse!).

I no longer call Her ‘Mistress’ to Her face, I now wank occasionally (this morning, for example!) and I would say we actually no longer live a FemDom life. I have even initiated sex with her about twice this year, and no longer ask Her permission to cum.

So I found it interesting/odd last month when, on the eve of my birthday as I got into bed She said “You can have an early birthday present. Go down and eat my pussy!” And I did. Very grateful for my ‘early present’.

I loved the way She told me that it was my treat to eat Her pussy! How weird is that! But She was right – particularly because She granted me the ‘treat’. That made it all the more of a privilege for me.

Once She had cum, she held my throbbing cock briefly in Her fist, and told me that She was not letting me cum, as She preferred me horny. As we slept, She promised to give me 44 strokes of the cane the next day, as a birthday present.

So on my birthday the next day I asked Her if She had really decided to reintroduce the cane to our relationship, and why. She smiled and said She had decided to reintroduce it. She did not explain why. I mused over it.

Later that day we ended up have a HUGE row, and the cane never materialised. We had an enormous blow up, and it took weeks before our relationship returned to anything near normal, which it has now done.

Since the row, all trace of FemDom has gone from our relationship. Mistress has even made the morning tea for us in bed. Only today, for the first time this week, did She ask/tell me to go down and make the tea.

Last night I went out with the boys for a beer. In fact, while we were out we met the sportsman that Mistress used to have a relationship with. (See ‘sportsman’ in my tag cloud for blogs on this relationship).

As we drank the tea I made in bed in this morning, She told me how She had anticipated my return last night, and had plans to make me lick Her arse and make Her cum.

My cock got hard as She spoke, and as I held my cock in bed I told her of my erection as I asked Her if she really planned to make me lick Her arse.

I told Her that these days my cock gets hard every morning thinking about us re-establishing a FemDom relationship. To my surprise She said that She felt the same way, and said that only yesterday as She was wiping Her arse after a shit She questioned why She was doing that Herself and not getting me to lick it clean for Her.

That thought was too much for me, and I confessed to Her that I dreamed of Her deciding to lead us into an even more strict FemDom relationship than we ever had, where She caned me thoroughly for the slightest infraction – particularly for not offering to lick Her arse enough or serve Her in any way.

She expressed some interest in this, and said it worked well for Her, and she was thinking of introducing it.

I said to Her that I would really not want to do it unless it was 110% domination by Her, with ruthless punishment associated with any failure on my part, which I noted in the past She has been reluctant to apply.

She accepted this previous reluctance, but said that She now thought that it actually worked best for Her when we lived like that, and that She did want to reintroduce it.

We shall see. Meantime my cock is hard at the thought. I am sure she will have me lick Her arse tonight.

Happy Birthday

Nearly a month since my last post: I’m sorry folks. Life has been busy, and I’ve been trying to make sure I live real, and not in a fantasy world.

Well, last month Mistress never did give me the canes She had said She would. I was nervous for days, but it never happened. She chose not to do it.

As recently as two days ago She drove up our drive after dropping the kids at school, on Her way in to work, and I thought She had stopped by to cane me. I was terrified. But She had come to pick something up.

I told Her I was scared that She had stopped by to cane me, and She laughed, saying one day She might just do that.

Today being a Friday I have already hand washed all the delicate clothes She left out for me. Since She sentenced me last month I put a weekly reminder on my phone so I never forget – so She didn’t even need to cane me – just the thought of it made me more efficient.

Today is Mistresses birthday. 36, though She still looks 21. Apparently some people in Her office believed it was Her 21st birthday. Worrying!

Anyway, we went to bed after midnight last night, and She chose to have a Birthday orgasm, so told me to go down on Her, which I gladly did, eating Her to a hug orgasm.

She has started to order me down on Her much more recently. Not always waiting for me to offer, which I like. She should enjoy oral sex whenever She wants, not just when I want to offer.

As I licked and sucked Her pussy She said that She was thinking She might re-introduce the cane to celebrate Her birthday year. The idea clearly turned Her on, though, to be honest, She has not chosen to cane me once in 2008 and I think it is unlikely that She will. But the important thing is that the choice is Hers.

After She came She spooned back against my hard on, and I asked for permission to put it in. She kindly allowed me, but instructed me very clearly not to cum, so I did not, though my cock was hard and the pleasure great.

This morning I asked if I could please lick Her arse before getting out of bed. While generally I am less submissive towards Her now that She no longer canes or openly dominates me much, the one thing I do like to do is submissively lick Her arse in bed before Her day starts. I find that such a powerful reminder of Her position in the house should She choose to exercise it.

She gladly allowed me and I licked deep into Her arse, fucking and licking it with my tongue.
Eventually I had to stop and get up to make tea and breakfast, which I reluctantly did. At least the day started right.

Will she reintroduce the cane? I hope so, and I hope not. We shall see.

Sentence

Mistress came two mornings in a row, both huge, shattering orgasms as I nibbled and licked, which in turn gave rise to two occasions on which She told me to cum in Her – so I have been the lucky one.

On Friday I did not get round to doing the hand wash that I am supposed to do, and Mistress has told me I will receive ten extremely hard strokes of the cane while tied down. So hard, She says, that I will never fail to do the wash on a Friday again – at least not without getting Her prior approval first.

I have already become more submissive and subservient to Her since the sentence was pronounced - going out of my way to do the dishes before they inconvenience Her etc. As I said to Her, if She canes me hard enough then I may have to start calling Her Mistress to her face (in private) so as to confirm my subservience and avoid further strokes.

This morning when I was tardy in getting out of bed to make the tea She said that if I did not move She would add two more strokes to the canes She plans to give me later today.

The kids are out all day, so She has every opportunity to return and thrash me any time through the day if She chooses.

My cock is hard with fear.

Still hard

Mistress has enjoyed my oral ministrations every morning this week. Not always choosing to cum – today She had me lick Her arse.

I have not had an orgasm – though yesterday She got me to put it in half way though eating Her, and then return to eating Her before I was allowed to cum.

I discussed Creative Guy’s blog comment (on my Yahoo blog) with Her – and his views that She should not worry Herself about whether I came or not, but should focus purely on Her pleasure, and She liked the idea of that.

On Wednesday night She allowed me to wank in front of Her, and even wanked me a bit Herself, while we surfed the web together shopping for jeans for Her. My cock has been hard ever since – I can’t remember when She last wanked me.

When I do get to cum it will be explosive. I hope She makes me drink it all up after.

Do I want to cum?

This morning rather than ask if Mistress wanted me to eat Her Arse or Pussy I asked if I could please eat Her Arse or Pussy before I got out of bed – I actually wanted the privilege of doing so.

She kindly agreed and had me eat Her arse, which I did carefully and as effectively as I good, sucking deeply and penetrating Her with my tongue.

I wondered whether She would get me to penetrate Her, but She did not, and so I am back downstairs at work with a hard cock again.

I am a bit confused. Do I want to cum? Do I not want to cum? I always want to cum, but I so love that She did not choose for me to cum, did not go out of Her way to make, let or allow me to cum.

Did She decide not to allow me? Or did She decide to allow me to abstain from Cumming? Or did She not think about it at all? I will never know. The answer is only in Her mind.

Orgasm

Mistress kindly allowed me to eat Her to orgasm before we got up this morning. There was no time for or mention of reciprocity, so I find myself feeling quite horny.

Strap on punishment

As Mistress came over me, to take me into Her, She said

“You know I said I was thinking about what punishment to use with you? Well I’ve thought what it is. It is to fuck you with a strap on with no lube. Because it hurts you like hell and makes you cry, and I love it. It really, really hurts you.”

My cock nearly got soft! This is a shocking development. Mistress has a strapon that She hardly ever uses on me – only three or four times in the years She has had it, because when She does use it I scream like a stuck pig.

It is no turn on at all to think of Her ramming that into me without any lube! It hurts like fuck with lube!

I wonder if She is serious. I genuinely don’t want that to happen at all. But if She demands it then I can’t say no – but I really don’t want it!